News of the Day!!

So the big news in my world today....

I no longer rattle when I walk as I have officially stopped taking all meds!!

Goodbye 27 pills, 1 clexane injection and 4 progesterone pessaries each day!!!

I am now down to a pregnancy vitamin and a fish oil capsule. That's it!

It felt very strange this morning not counting out all my pills into my little boxes. I even packed up the mini pharmacy I had living on my kitchen bench since March. Put all the excess medications away (for next time?!?). That felt strange too...the bench looks empty.

So now I guess it's up to my body to do all the right things...hope we can trust it!

Updating

Just a quick one as I am exhausted from an extremely busy (and slightly stressful) day at work.

My grandmother is still holding on. Thank you to those who left such loving and kind words. I still don't know what to do about sharing our news with her. DH thinks I should tell her, but with the way she is right now...I don't know if I see the point. But I don't want to look back and regret that I didn't tell her...which just has me going round in pointless circles!

I haven't gone back in to visit yet...I don't want to go alone, and with DH away I have to try and time my visits with when either my parents or my sister are going...so far this week this hasn't worked as we all work different days/hours...hoping I might get there over the weekend with someone.

Work is super busy this week. Today I was running around doing a million things, and tomorrow will be the same, but add in having to do some presentations. Thursday will be quieter but I will be preparing for working on Saturday. Saturday will be a long and extremely exhausting day...I am NOT looking forward to it and wish I could get out of it..but I can't. Then next week will (thankfully) be back to normal...I might even have an extra day off to make up for the extra hours I am working this week.

There's still 8 more sleeps until DH comes home. It feels like he has been away forever, but it's only been just over a week...time seems to be dragging for me.

10 more sleeps until the NT scan. I cannot wait until we can see blob again!

Sad Times

Today's not a good day. I went with my parents to visit my grandmother (mum's mum) in hospital. Some of you may remember a few posts I have done about her over the past 6-8 months or so. She has cancer and has been in and out of hospital a lot in more recent times.

She has been cared for at home for the past few months (with a few short stays in hospital in between) but she went back into hospital last weekend. This was the first chance I had to visit...and I haven't seen her in a few weeks. I was so shocked when we walked into the room. She is skin and bones lying in bed, barely moving, barely conscious. She is on a lot of different medications for pain and nausea and a few other things and I suppose the idea is to keep her comfortable, but boy is it a shock when you see her like this.

We were there for about 3 hours and in that time she only opened her eyes about a dozen times. Her words were few and far between, but she did recognise us. She wouldn't eat lunch while we were there and the nurse said she didn't eat anything for breakfast...I think she is slowly giving up the fight. I know mum said that she told her not long ago that she had had enough...and really, seeing her like that...I don't blame her.

I'm in tears writing this, thinking about this...but I just want her to be at peace. I don't want her to hurt anymore and if that means she has to leave us...then so be it. But it's just so heart breaking. Her decline has happened rapidly which is exactly what happened with my grandfather (her husband) and it's bringing up all the memories from his passing..I remember going to visit him in hospital (the same one my grandmother is in) and we were laughing and making jokes...and then only a few days later I was at uni one evening and got a call from DH (boyfriend back then) saying he had to pick me up and take me to the hospital with my family because it wasn't looking good for my grandfather. I remember crowding around his hospital bed with about 13 other family members to say our goodbyes, sitting in the waiting room, listening to the priest come and read him his last rites (they are catholics)..it all feels like only yesterday but it will be 7 years on the 31 August (yes, Bubble's EDD).

And now it looks as if history is repeating itself.

It also makes me so sad to think that my gran will never even know about blob. We won't get to share our news with her and I know how happy it would have made her to know we had finally succeeded in our journey. Blob will never know their great grandmother.

I keep flashing back to a month or so ago..I spent the day with mum and my grandmother. We took her out for a walk along the river. It was a beautiful sunny day. We then had lunch at a lovely cafe and then did some window shopping. It was a perfect day and my grandmother was so happy to be out and about. I suppose I can count myself lucky that I have plenty of lovely memories to hold onto...it's just hard to focus on these right now.

Revamped

So after about a million hours on my computer this morning I have made some changes to my blog. I am happy with it...I think! Still umming and ahhing slightly about the new name, but honestly I think it really sums up my situation right now.

Yes I am pregnant. And oh so happy to be pregnant and for everything to be going so well this time round...BUT after going through a miscarriage your innocence is taken away and what should be a joyous time is slightly marred by worry and doubt and wondering. I am a little sad that my joy (and DH's) has not been quite as joyous at what other first timers would be experiencing. I did write a post about this the other day and my jealousy of 'normal' people who haven't gone through miscarriage or infertility issues. So I guess that sort of sums it up even more.

So deep down, despite being pregnant, I am still a bitter and twister infertile that wants to scream at fertiles and tell them how lucky they are...and I don't think this is something that people understand completely unless they have travelled this road.

CH-CH-CH-CH-CHANGES!

Loving ICLW!! Thanks to those who have stopped by, left comments and started following! If I haven't followed you back, please make sure you leave me a comment and remind me!!! It's all about sharing the love (and our stories)!!

This weekend I will be revamping my blog...I think I have progressed far enough into this pregnancy to feel confident about making some changes to reflect the change in journey. I'm still brain storming names and will be on the hunt for a new blog decor! So keep an eye out for it...

Happy ICLW..and An Update.

Welcome to any bloggers stopping by as part of ICLW! I missed last months so I am really looking forward to reading some new blogs!!

So who am I and what's my story?

I'm a 26 year old who has been battling with IF, along side my DH. We started TTC in 2009 and have had quite a few hurdles along the way. At the end of 2010 we were told IVF was our best option at conceiving, so we jumped aboard that roller coaster ride. We got our first BFP in December 2010, but sadly our little Bubble was not meant to join us earth side and I miscarried just shy of 8 weeks in January 2011. We then made the decision to change fertility specialists and clinics. So we transferred our 6 frosties and commenced a FET cycle in April 2011. On the 12th May our TWW was over and we were told once again that I was pregnant!Fast forward to now...I am 10w3d pregnant and slowly coming to the realisation that perhaps this little bub is here for the long haul!

So that's us in a nutshell....there's a more detailed TTC history off to the right if you want the nitty gritty!

Yesterday I had my first obstetrician appointment which I have been counting down to since my last scan at 7w6d. I was paranoid that a scan at this appointment would show something wrong...but I am very pleased to share with you all that our little blob is happy and healthy!

Blob is measuring perfect size for dates, and wowed both DH and myself by waving his/her little arms and legs around like crazy. He/she also started rolling around at one point during the scan. DH had a massive grin on his face as the ob pointed out blob's features. This was his first time seeing our little one up on screen and I think he was very excited. I was amazed at how much blob had changed in just a few short weeks..although still alien like, it was definitely looking more like a mini person!!

I didn't get any pictures this time, so will now have to wait until I have the NT scan done before I can share a shot of our blob with you all.

The ob was lovely. I am really happy with my choice of doctor and felt comfortable with her instantly. DH said he liked her too. The rest of the appointment was pretty standard. The doctor took down a lot of my health history details, we discussed why we had gone down the IVF road, medications I am on etc etc. She also took my blood pressure and we had a chat about what I could expect each appointment. I also got my referral for my NT scan and bloods. I have booked the scan for the 8th of July as DH really wants to come. He only went back to work today for 2 weeks, so when he comes home next we will have that to look forward to and then we will possibly start sharing our news with family and friends!

Positivity

10 weeks today, and just 2 more sleeps until our first obstetrician appointment where hopefully we can take a peek at our blob and make sure everything is going ok in there.

I know I keep harping on about symptoms (or lack of) but it's hard not to dwell on this after having a miscarriage. A few people have mentioned that perhaps as I get closer to the end of the first trimester I am just beginning to feel better..and others have suggested that maybe I am just one of the lucky ones who has dodged the morning sickness bullet. When I put my paranoia aside, I tend to agree with both chains of thought. So for now, I am going to enjoy the fact that I am feeling pretty good (minus the extreme fatigue) and concentrate on enjoying this pregnancy. I have spent WAY too long focusing on the negatives and I am going to kick them to the curb, along with my 'what ifs'. It's time to believe that this little miracle blob is going to stick around and come meet us in 6 and a half months time!!

DH is talking more and more openly about blob which is just wonderful. He is beginning to get his protective daddy mindset on and has taken over ALL the housework while he has been home so I don't have to do it on my days off. He is also making sure I am eating right and has been cooking some yummy dinners! The cutest thing was when I started jumping around the other day (can't remember why..think a catchy song was playing on the TV) and he was like 'Hey stop doing that! You've got another person inside you to think about!'. Very sweet!

I am starting to get excited that we are so close to being able to share our news with family and friends. Next time DH is home I will be past the 12 week mark and hopefully have had my NT scan done so that we can spread the news. I can't believe that we are almost there!!

Not much happening this weekend...the weather is gorgeous though so hopefully I'll get outside and enjoy the sunshine!

Twisted Ramblings

I'm alive.

Once again, I have been lacking the motivation to post...I don't know whether it's because I'm tired or because DH is home, or perhaps because I feel like I have nothing new to write.

I am not feeling particularly pregnant and this has me slightly worried...you read all the books and information online and think that as soon as you see those 2 pink lines, you are going to start experiencing this multitude of symptoms..but it is so not like that!!! Well not for me anyway...for me it's been more of a gradual process with little things occurring and then making the connection that 'oh yeah that's actually a pregnancy symptom'. I am beginning to notice some subtle changes in my body...nothing anyone but me (and maybe DH) would notice though. And while this, and the symptoms are somewhat comforting..it doesn't feel like enough to make this seem 100% real.

It is so hard to believe right now that a little person is growing inside me. Surely I should feel different/sicker then what I do at the moment?!?!

So of course my worrying kicks in. You know, the usual..what if, what if, what if. Rational thought comes into play-you haven't been bleeding or cramping, you still have symptoms, you saw the heart beat...blah blah blah. But nothing can drown out the 'what ifs' totally. They are always there, playing on your mind, jumping out when you least expect it.

And then I wish that I was an innocent. That I had never experienced a miscarriage and was only full of hope and optimism about my pregnancy. That I had not travelled the long and winding TTC road and battled to actually become pregnant. That I wasn't still on a long list of meds to help support my pregnancy.

How much easier would it be, to be someone 'normal'?

I think of my friend that fell pregnant not long after I did with Bubble. It took her less than 2 months to become pregnant after stopping the pill. She (so far) has had a stress and worry free pregnancy with no drama. She will (most likely) have a trouble free birth, a healthy baby and will then do it all over again just as easily in a few years time.

Thinking about that makes me green with envy...

Even though I should be focusing on this pregnancy, sometimes I can't help but think that I will be back here in a few years time (if all goes well) doing another FET cycle, taking all the meds again and trying to survive another TWW without going insane...I'll be stressing over scans and thawing and blood tests. Back on the roller coaster...it will be like I'd never gotten off!

DH thinks I'm strange to be so envious of our friend...but I cannot help it. It's how my mind works now having lived so long as an infertile. I feel bad about it too...makes me feel like a bad person. I have actively avoided this friend...although I think she too has been avoiding me too as she feels awkward and unsure of how to act around me anymore. It's just an awkward situation for us both I suppose....

Right this is becoming a long winded ramble/rant. Time to stop. Round of applause if you got this far...

Guess What?!?

Today marks 9 weeks!

Another mini milestone reached, and one week closer to the end of the first trimester!! I just hope all is going well with our little blob inside me.

I am enjoying having DH home, though he has left me home today to go fishing with a friend. I don't mind too much as it's cold and drizzling with rain so I've been rather lazy and stayed tucked up in bed with my laptop and the dog! He is going to laugh at me when he comes home and finds me still in my PJs!! But honestly...what's better then staying in bed all day when the weather outside is miserable?!?

DH I think is starting to come round more and more to the fact that there is going to be a baby. He is really looking forward to the first ob appointment so he finally gets to see the blob for himself. I'm looking forward to it so I can be reassured that everything with blob is still A-OK! Oh and seeing the look on DH's face when he sees our baby and hears the heartbeat..I think it's going to be a very special moment.

DH even offered to go to some baby stores so we could start looking at what we want to purchase (after I told him how freaked out I was feeling about all the decisions and that we would run out of time trying to get organised for this baby). First baby shop we went to yesterday was having a massive sale. It was so tempting to just start buying up the entire shop! After we wandered around pointing stuff out to each other, I dragged DH over to the prams so I could show him the one I have been eyeing off since last time I was pregnant.

After having a play (and getting thoroughly confused), we asked one of the shop assistants to come and give us a lesson. I was glad we did, otherwise I would have left thinking the pram I wanted was way too complicated and would have started my research ALL over again! We both played around with the pram (once we actually knew how to work it) and both decided that this was the pram for us. Shop assistant then told us that the pram was on sale for $200 less than usual..bargain!! DH contemplated for about a second and then said 'lets buy it today'. So we did. Our first major baby purchase...the Strider Plus 3 in Kingfisher Blue!!

I am super excited. Buying something so major makes this all feel a little more real. And I am so glad that DH is going to be so easygoing with baby purchases!! I pointed out a few more things that I have been looking at and we are actually agreeing on things (unlike baby names but that's another story). Just before we left the store I sat down in a gorgeous glider chair and DH says 'oh that's really nice, we should get you that'. I almost jumped up and down in excitement!! Buying for this baby is going to be so much easier if he continues to behave like this.

9 more sleeps until the ob appointment...counting down the days until I can see our blob again.

Strange wishes

I'm still alive!! Just been battling off the last of this cold and haven't felt like I had much to write about.

My DH is home now and it's great. I missed him so much. He is a bit of a zombie still as his body clock is all out of whack from 2 weeks straight of night shift, but hopefully by tomorrow he will be back to normal!

I have almost shaken the cold and so grateful that I seemed to only cop a mild dose. I have been talking to so many people that have caught it and been really sick. I am hoping that I will avoid a stronger case of it further into winter...Am planning to check with the obstetrician at my first appointment whether it is safe/worthwhile for me to have a flu shot...

Asides from the cold I have been feeling pretty good. Plenty of symptoms still happening, though the lack of morning sickness still has me a little worried...surely I'm not going to escape completely unscathed??!

Symptoms to date:

-extreme tiredness
-extreme hunger
-nausea (when I'm really hungry, and now happening most evenings)
-sore/sensitive boobs and nipples
-bigger boobs (DH has confirmed this for me...hahaha)
-heightened sense of smell
-metallic taste in mouth
-still some light cramping
-bloating
-increased CM (keep forgetting to mention this...wow...very wet down there....)
-mood swings
-dry skin

All this comforts me in some strange way...makes me feel like something is still going on in there and that blob is ok. I really would feel better if I spewed a few times though...is that weird?!?

Germs!

I've been struck down with a cold. It started yesterday when I woke up with a slightly sore throat and stuffy nose. Usually I would grab my favourite natural cold and flu tablets and strike before the cold takes over...but it's not that simple when you are pregnant!

So much conflicting information about what's safe and what's not so safe to take. It's enough to make your head spin! Everything in my medicine cupboard was saying 'speak to a doctor before using if pregnant' or 'not suitable for pregnant or lactating women'. Right, enough said...won't be touching any of this with a ten foot pole! So off to the chemist...checking out bottles of vitamin supplements and so many which you think would be ok...well they had the same lovely warnings on the bottles as well. In the end I played it safe and just bought some vitamin c tablets. I really don't want to risk taking anything that could have a negative effect on our little one.

So vitamin c, panadol, rest and fresh OJ has been my regime (along with my usual array of meds). By yesterday evening I was feeling somewhat more human and was thinking 'hooray maybe it's not going to get any worse'. No such luck.

Stuffy and runny nose, sore eyes, sore head...though the sore throat has gone. I have spent the day in bed, trying to sleep..though this has proven difficult with someone in the neighbourhood spending the ENTIRE day jack hammering....*insert angry face here*

The worst part of it all is not having DH home. He is always so lovely when I am sick and takes such good care of me. He brings me food and drinks and makes runs to the shops if I want anything in particular (usually this includes lemonade icy poles and soft aloe vera tissues). I think if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't be so upset over this..but I'm so emotional at the moment so I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not completely alone...our pup has been so sweet and is like my little shadow. He has been sleeping beside me (or on my feet) and even as I type he is snuggled up right beside me on the couch...and I mean RIGHT beside me...he's almost on my lap (no mean feat for a 22kg dog!).

The News

I currently have 1 blob growing inside me with a heart rate of 140BPM who is measuring perfectly to my dates! Once I heard that little heart beating away my whole face lit up! It was just so amazing. Wazza printed out some photos so I have something to show DH when he gets home.

My head is too all over the place at the moment to write much more so I will leave you with our baby's first photo...(not the best quality as my scanner isn't very good but you get the idea!).

Tomorrow..

Tomorrow is the big day...scan day!

I am nervous and excited and anxious...and about a million other things. I don't know how I will sleep tonight, though given how tired I have been the past week I'm sure to get at least a few hours in between toilet breaks!

Everything looks fine on paper (so to speak). HCG levels rising, plenty of pregnancy symptoms, no bleeding, no spotting, no cramping. But I know that a lot can change in a matter of days with a pregnancy...so despite trying to stay positive I can't help but mentally prepare myself for a not so happy outcome.

Hopefully tomorrow afternoon I will be back to share some wonderful news with you all. Thanks so much for all the lovely, supportive comments that have been left over the past few weeks. Much appreciated.