A Laugh

I found this on Youtube while browsing...Think it fits well with my list of 'what not to say to an infertile'. The other videos made by the same woman are quite funny too..

In the Waiting Room

I have probably blogged about this before, but I think when you are on this journey it's something that pops into your mind quite frequently...(or maybe it's just me?).

Do you ever feel like you are being left behind? Like everyone elses lives are moving forward and you are left sitting in the waiting room of life, not progressing, just sitting and feeling stagnate. Perhaps it's just magnified for me now while I sit in limbo land, waiting and wondering as to where we will be headed next.

Every now and again this feeling hits me, and it hits hard. Watching while people around me move forward with their pregnant bellies, their growing children. They get to share photos of ultrasounds, growing bellies and tell stories about feeling the first kicks. All I can share is how to inject yourself, the side effects of fertility drugs and a photo of our embryo before we had our transfer...doesn't quite compare, does it?!

The gap widens each day, week, month...

They of course feel bad about sharing anything pregnancy related and I feel bad about whinging to them about my ongoing struggle with TTC and infertility. Common ground is the basics..weather, work, weekends...but even these can involve pieces of our fertile/infertile lives. The line gets blurred.

I know eventually the contact will be cut even more. As mums busy with their new babies, wanting to share their new addition and their happiness...too awkward to do with someone like me. And from my end, despite wanting to be happy for them and the new journey they will embark on as mums, I won't be able to rid myself of the bitter taste of jealousy. I won't be able to stop the pain that tears my heart apart as I sit and wonder when it will be my turn. So it will be easier for me to turn away, and for them to drift onwards...

Done with the week..

I am currently in bed, eating cookies and watching a DVD. I plan on sleeping late tomorrow and ignoring all the house work that needs doing.

I am sick and tired of this week, this month, this year...


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I Hate Cancer

My grandmother is in hospital again, and it looks as if we will have to place here in a care facility. She needs 24/7 care, and a higher level of care then what we can provide for her at home. It's so sad it's come to this point, but it has to be done. She understands and wants the pressure taken off her family, but it doesn't make it any easier. My mum is a wreck at the moment. She feels so guilty (we all do).

There is so much to try and organise...and actually finding her a place at one of the facilities close by is proving to be difficult. I am going to tour a couple with mum on Sunday and Monday. I'm not really sure what to expect as I haven't stepped foot into a place like this since I was a little kid when my great grandmother was alive...but I don't remember much.

I just wish there was more that I could do to help. It's situations like these that you feel totally helpless and unsure. I think all the family is feeling a bit like this right now. I've got to try and get up to the hospital to see my grandmother soon. I feel terrible as she has been in all week and because of all the extra hours I have been working I have not made it in to see her yet...I know she understands...but still..the guilt is there.

Cancer is such a horrible thing. It's such a shit way for someone to die and to spend the last years/months/weeks/days of their life battling this horrible disease. The day they find a complete cure for cancer will be a very good day.

The only solace I can take right now is that my grandmother has had a very full and amazing life. She has travelled the world, lived through war and depression, raised a beautiful family, and even lived long enough to meet several of her great grandchildren. She is a wonderful person and has taught me so much throughout my life.

What I would give for her to meet my first child...something I thought would be possible with Bubble, but sadly this wasn't to be. At the rate she is detriorating, I am sad to say that I think my children will only know of their great grandmother through photos and the precious stories I share with them.

Things NOT To Say To An Infertile...

things NOT to say to an infertile

'Just relax'...not helpful and not always possible (especially if you are in the throes of an IVF cycle and are enduring injections, scans and blood tests galore).

'Go on a holiday'...Taking a holiday and having sex in a different place IS NOT going to cure my infertility.

'You're young, you have plenty of time'...Getting older is not a magical cure to my infertility issues, and just because I am not pushing 40 it doesn't lessen the strong desire I have RIGHT NOW to hold my baby in my arms.

'It wasn't meant to be' (in regard to miscarriage)...Quite frankly this is hurtful. I don't think I need to elaborate anymore on this one.

'My stopped IVF and then fell pregnant naturally'...Yes this does happen on occasion, but just because it happens to some it doesn't mean it will happen to me. And I am not going to pin all my hopes on this!!!

'I fell pregnant while on the pill'...Trust me if you say this to me-I WILL hurt you.

'You can always adopt'...Sure it's an option, but do you know the waiting times involved?!!? I have been waiting long enough as it is!!!

 'At least you know IVF works for you'...This doesn't make me feel any better about the loss of our baby, nor does it instill any hope for the future. There is no silver lining in this type of situation, so stop trying to find one.

'It's going to happen for you-I just know it'...NO you don't know it!!!! No one does...and your positivity sickens me.

'Have you tried yet?'...No I haven't. Just because you saw it on tv/in the paper/online it does not mean that it's true. Besides, I have limited money and I don't want to waste it...saving for another IVF cycle is probably a safer bet!

Got any more that drive you wild?!!?

ICLW

After reading about IComLeavWe (ICLW) on some of the blogs I follow, I decided to investigate what it is all about and how I could get in on the action. So I have signed up for this month and am really enjoying finding some new blogs to read and sharing in some more journeys similar to my own.

Sooooo...hello to all those that are stopping by as part of ICLW February 2011 and thanks for stopping by! If you decide to follow my blog, please let me know so I can follow yours. And if you have been lurking but not commenting-now is your chance to say hello and introduce yourself!!

Our detailed TTC journey is off on the right hand side of the blog....but here is a quick summary if you are short on time!

DH and I met at the end of 2002 and were engaged in March 2005.
We married on the 14th April 2007.
We have been actively TTC since August 2009.
I was diagnosed with PCOS in June 2010.
We completed 4 cycles on Letrozole & Metformin from June-September 2010.
In December 2010 we undertook our first cycle of IVF. All went perfectly and we were left with 6 embies to freeze.
3 days before Christmas we were given the news that I was pregnant, but sadly just before I reached 8 weeks I miscarried in January 2011.

So that brings us to now. I have just had my first period post miscarriage and was told by my current specialist that he wants me to wait 2 cycles before we commence FET. DH and I are currently waiting to see a new fertility specialist (who has a 2 month wait list) as we were concerned with some of our current doctors actions once I was told I was pregnant and with the handling of my miscarriage. We have an appointment on the 25th of March. Only a month more to wait...not sure what this will hold for us and when we will get the chance to try a FET cycle so it's limbo land for us for now.

catch up

Well the party and the jelly shots were amazing!! My plan of getting drunk went off without a hitch..I do not remember a lot of the night..just bits and pieces. I fell over a lot (one time I even missed the chair) so I am a bit battered and bruised. I kept everyone amused anyway! I got a bit weird at the end of the night (from what I have been told) and was a little cranky when everyone went home! The anger then turned into a drunken bawl...I remember crying and crying...so much that I was hyper ventilating and I felt like I was letting out all the emotions that have built up (and not just since the miscarriage but on this whole long and twisted TTC journey). In a weird way it was really good...Poor DH got stuck with dealing with this blubbering mess and eventually I passed out and he had to undress me and put me to bed....during this process I was passing in and out of consciousness and coming out with lots of random things. He said it took him almost an hour to get me into bed!!

I slept til about 10:30am on Sunday morning. Woke feeling dizzy, but not sick. I am very proud to say that despite the copious amount of alcohol I consumed, I DID NOT SPEW!!!! Got up, showered and made my way to the couch where I spent most of the day. A swim down the beach in the afternoon cleared my head and by dinner time I felt normal again. Not bad for my first major drinking effort in many, many years.

Another major event over the weekend was my sharing on Facebook with all and sundry the tattoo I got done. My caption even explained what the tattoo was in memory of...so now pretty much everyone I know, knows about our situation and what's been happening. I've put it out there and it actually feels really good. I am sick of hiding and keeping secrets. People need to know that infertility and IVF are not just things that older people go through...because to be honest that was my thought of the matter when we first started TTC. I also want people to be more aware of miscarriage and open the communication lines. It shouldn't be something that isn't talked about in our society when so many woman endure this heartache. So I figure being open about our journey is a good starting point...now I just have to work on how to spread this even further....

This is for you Bubble...

Here it is..the finished product. I found another place who fit me in this morning. I'm glad it's done and I'm really happy with it.

It's been about 6 years since my last tattoo so I was a little worried that I would find it extra painful but it wasn't too bad. It was over fairly quickly so there wasn't really time to freak out.

DH has now gotten the tattoo bug (again) and has booked in to have another one done which will take a few sessions. I'm all inspired to get a few more myself. It's addictive!

Anyways I'm off to have a nap before the party tonight. Jelly shots here I come!!!




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An Idea

Boy am I glad it's Friday. It's been a long, hard week. I am more than ready for a few days off.

Work has been crazy. It always is this time of year as I get the fun task of organising O Week for the new students. It's a BIG job which is why they give me the extra work hours so I can get it all done. On top of this I have been dealing with a crazy student..and crazy is probably an understatement. I'm not going to go into it except to say that it is bordering on harassment with multiple phone calls and nasty emails every day. Today I had 12 calls from them..in the space of about 5.5 hours. Stress I could do without right now thank you very much!

Then of course I hit the 'I should be 12 weeks pregnant' mark on Wednesday. After my cry to DH the other night my emotions have shut down. I didn't let myself cry again on Wednesday. I have busied myself with work and fallen into bed exhausted without much time to think much. It's good. No time to think means no time to dwell and cry and be miserable...

Now I've stopped though..well there's been time to think about our lost miracle. DH being a typical male didn't even realise that we'd reached this date. It's like he is forgetting already and I can't stand it. Everything is moving forward, everyone is going about their lives...even me to a certain extent but I can't bear the thought of our Bubble being forgotten. That's not how it should be. I know to most other people Bubble didn't represent a real baby but to me they did. From the moment we had our ET that was our little person inside me, no matter how small that embryo was.

So I started thinking of a way to honour our little one and also have a reminder so we will not forget that once we were blessed with a miracle for a short time in our lives. And I have decided to get a new tattoo in memory of Bubble. DH thinks it's a great idea and I think he's hoping it may bring me some peace and help the grieving process.

I found a design that I like, have decided where it will go and have even booked in to the tattoo place. I couldn't get a spot for a few weeks (which is kind of annoying) but I'm going to try another place tomorrow and see if they can squeeze me in sooner. I really want this done as soon as possible. Now I've got the idea I just want to execute it!

I know that once I have this done it will lead to questions but I am ready for this. At this point in time I really don't care who I tell and if it makes them uncomfortable then that's their problem, not mine. I want infertility and miscarriages to be as openly talked about as many other medical issues. I'm sick of all this cloak and dagger shit.

Tomorrow night is DHs party. I have my jelly shots setting in the fridge. Looking forward to feeling drunk and happy..

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What could have been...

Today I would have been 12 weeks pregnant with Bubble.

We should have been happily announcing our news to the world and celebrating.

Instead I am bleeding and cramping and living a real life nightmare. Waiting and wondering if we will ever get any closer to holding a baby of our own in our arms.

Miss you every day Bubble. xx


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Let it out

Lost it this afternoon when I saw DH. I cried and cried. He listened while I blubbered out how I am feeling. It was a good release. Even though he is slightly bewildered at the fact that I am so upset still. Men...*rolls eyes*

The period pain has lessened slightly but (sorry for the over share) there is still so much blood. Every time I go to the bathroom it's a horrible reminder and takes me back to last month..I just want it to be over.

Right now I'm wondering if the pain ever eases. Everything seems to remind me of what we lost. Nothing makes me feel better. I have lost hope. Our new FS appointment is too far away to focus on. Doing nothing is just wasting precious time and gives me too much time to focus on the fact that making a baby is totally out of my hands. It's all down to doctors and science. That hasn't worked out well so far..

I hurt every day. All I want is for this TTC nightmare to end.



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my bloody valentine

I spoke too soon about my useless body. My period arrived this morning. Happy Valentines to me! Unfortunately it's extremely heavy and painful, which is making me feel like I am miscarrying all over again. Needless to say this is not having a great effect on me psychologically...

I was a mess at work. I couldn't function. I couldn't focus. All I wanted to do was cry which of course I couldn't do. Worst possible timing for me to have a mini break down. Any other week and I could have called in sick and stayed home...but of course this week and next are the busiest week (which is why I am working every day) and I cannot afford to take a day off and get behind in all my organising. So I battled through and left only 15 minutes earlier than normal. I thought that was a very good effort on my part.

To top off my little emotional break down, I am extremely tired as I decided to wake at midnight to call DH and wish him a happy birthday before anyone else! Silly, I know...but he was thrilled that I thought of him.

Sleep deprived and an emotional wreck...great combo.

Still a month and a half until the new FS appointment. If my FS was any good I would be on my way to starting a FET cycle right now. Makes me sad to think that's not happening...that we are wasting another month, another chance. Time is really ticking away...Some people are still telling me that 'we're young' and that we 'have time' but seriously....I was 24 and DH was 25 when we started TTC and now I am 26 and he's just turned 27. Time is ticking by. We are getting older. If it takes us this long to conceive our first, who knows if it will be the same for the 2nd. I have always had it in my head that I wanted to have all my children before I turned 30. Now I would be satisfied to have 1 healthy baby in my arms before I hit 30.

Ha who am I kidding?!!? I would be satisfied to end up with 1 healthy baby.

Babblings

I am so very proud of myself. I did not spend this weekend sitting on my couch moping...in fact I was rarely even home! The weekend has flown by. I have not had a chance to dwell on the fact that Saturday marked 1 month since I miscarried and we lost our Bubble. Probably was for the best.

Friday I spent running errands, went out for lunch and managed to fit in a walk on the beach too. Saturday I got to catch up with Nani & Green Sprout. It was lovely to see them both. We enjoyed a leisurely lunch, some window shopping and a movie. I spent Saturday night with my grandma and stayed overnight. Headed home about lunch time today and then spent the afternoon with my mum. I then caught up with another friend late this afternoon and only got home at about 6:30pm! I am EXHAUSTED!!!

The past 24 hours or so have been quite emotional. My grandma is not doing so well. Yes, she is out of hospital but we are not sure how long it will be before she is readmitted. This cancer has started kicking butt...It's horrible to see the effect it is having on her and it seems to be getting worse and worse. I hate to see her in so much pain and so miserable.

What's making it worse is that not all the family is helping out and spending time with her. She has 5 offspring (2 boys & 3 girls). All live close by with their partners but it seems all is being left up to the girls. My sister has taken on the role of carer (as she lives in the granny flat underneath the house) but the rest of us are supporting her and trying to give her some time off for herself so she doesn't burn out. Right now it seems only my mum and her 2 sisters (and me) are visiting regularly. The boys are slack and keep coming up with lame excuses why they can't visit. The rest of the grandchildren (there are 9 more besides me and my sister) are either too self absorbed or live too far away to visit. That her own 2 sons won't visit her is what pisses us all off.

I was chatting with her this morning and she was commenting about how much she misses 'son T and son F'. What can I say to that?!!? I can't force them to visit...but it would boost her spirits so much. She doesn't have much time left. We can all see this...even mum mentioned it to me this morning. It's so sad to think about it, but I guess we have to face facts and be prepared for the worst. The only comfort I get is knowing that she then wouldn't be in pain. I just can't understand why her own sons would want to miss out on spending time with her right now...My mum is trying to rally them round. She is not having much luck (and as the youngest child she thinks that the boys won't listen to her anyway) unfortunately. Sometimes I wish I could just kick some people and make them realise how stupid they are being...visiting once a week for a few hours IS NOT hard.

Had a lovely catch up with a friend today. She let me garble on and on about EVERYTHING! The miscarriage, changing doctors, infertility in general...the works. It was so nice to blurt it all out and have someone listen without blurting out stuff that makes you feel worse. She just listened and commiserated. No 'useful' advice, no cliche sayings, no stories from friends of friends...I think it was the most I have talked about all this stuff in one sitting. I felt somewhat lighter as we ended our catch up. A sense of relief or something...

I am headed back to work tomorrow. Doing a couple of weeks with full time hours. Good for the bank balance but I think I will be totally exhausted by the end of it. I don't feel like I have had a weekend at all...hopefully I will get a good nights sleep...would help...a lot!

DH's birthday tomorrow. He will see it in on night shift and then spend most of the day asleep! Poor guy. He'll be back Tuesday afternoon so I will have to make up for lack of birthday with a nice dinner and perhaps a cake...and then we have his party on Saturday. I have decided that I am going to make myself a big tray of jelly shots and get very, very drunk. I don't think it will take much alcohol to get me in this state considering how little I have been drinking since TTC. I figure I can stand to let my hair down since we are in TTC limbo land...

Still no sign of AF. Had some cramping today but it has dissapeared. *shrugs* My body is USELESS. It has proven time and time again that it cannot do anything right....this is just another example.

Positive Post

It's Saturday and I thought I would stick with my new tradition and think of some positives.

1. I got to spend the day with Green Sprout & Nani today. Haven't seen these 2 lovely ladies since just after Christmas so it was great to catch up with them both.

2. Had a yummy lunch at Grilled. They do the best burgers!!!

3. Only 3 more sleeps until DH is home again.

4. I bought DHs birthday present yesterday so I am now all organised.

5. Catching up with another lovely friend tomorrow. One who hasn't been awkward and distant since I miscarried.

6. Weather has been perfect the past few days. I love sunshine!!

What's positive in your life right now?


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Bedtime Ramble

I have been meaning to do this for awhile but it keeps slipping my mind...

WELCOME to all my new followers!! Thanks for reading! I have (hopefully) followed all your blogs but if I haven't let me know. I am interested in reading about your journeys too. Can I also just say thank you to my fellow bloggers who have been leaving me lovely, supportive comments...I am very grateful for all your kind words. It means a lot to me.

Is it completely sad (and strange) that I blog in my head through out the day?!? I am hoping it isn't just me...I suppose it just shows how much this blog helps me to put all my feelings down on paper computer screen and get them out of my head and into cyber space. It's a good release and a cheap version of therapy I suppose.

Everyday I see something in the news that again makes me question why we have still not been blessed with a baby, yet other people manage just fine (and do not realise how lucky they are). Usually these events are taking place in another country or at least another state, but today it was close to home...In the local paper today there was an article about a mother who left her baby on the beach in a pram while she went swimming in the ocean!! Eeeek! Are you kidding me?!?! There was no one else there watching the baby, and I'm not sure how it came about but the police turned up (thank goodness). However this woman was let off with a warning...Maybe it's just me being bitter but I don't think that's enough. My mind went into over drive when I read this article thinking of all the different things that could have happened to that poor little baby while mum was out enjoying a nice, cool swim. Seriously...WHAT AN IDIOT!!

I slept terribly last night. Tossed and turned. I have even been trying some natural sleeping tablets but I don't know how well they are working. You are meant to take them for a few weeks before they start to work properly so I'll persevere for another week before I name them as totally useless. Tonight I've tried a different strategy...I've kept myself busy. I've baked 4 dozen biscuits, a tray of chocolate slice and played my Kinect dance game...hoping I have worn myself out completely and after I read for awhile I will just drop into a nice, deep sleep...(very wishful thinking on my part right now...but I hope it happens). I could not function properly at work today. My brain did not want to cooperate. I got very little done. Felt useless. If I had more sick days up my sleeve I would have stayed in bed this morning...

Well that's enough garble from me. Time to try and sleep.

some help

I just received a phone call from a friend who I haven't spoken to since before the miscarriage but she has been texting. I think she understood that I needed some time before we spoke over the phone or in person. Anyway, she called tonight and there was 0 awkwardness. She asked how I was and meant it. She also didn't try to say any of the frustrating things that people often say, instead she commiserated and told me how crap it was and how unfair the world seems to be.

This IS what I need right now.

No stories about other people's miscarriages and successes afterwards, no 'it wasn't meant to be', no 'relax', no miracle cures that someone else has used. Just someone agreeing with me that this sucks and it's hard, and it will take time until I feel right again.

Only a small handful of people get this and have managed to do this. Even my own husband has only half managed to get it right. So I must sat I was really glad to talk to this particular friend and even more so because I was having a downer night and talking to someone helped.

I also received another lovely email from the friend who sent me flowers last week. Nice to know that there are people out there still thinking of me, and that they don't expect me to have gotten over it by now.

_________________

These warm fuzzies however, cannot erase the place I was in last night.

I hit a new low and for a few hours I was back in my darkest place.
It was scary. In fact, it's still scary. Just thinking about how I felt last night makes me panic.
I'm so scared.
I thought I was coping with all this quite well, but last night the walls came crumbling down. Perhaps you can only 'cope' for so long before these walls do crash down around you. And then you see your life in ruins.

I did manage to drag myself back out....just. Despite the thoughts that were racing through my head, the hideous images, the awful ideas...I pulled myself up....slightly. I'm not out of the woods. I know that. I also know that it's time to seek help.

Rage

Probably shouldn't be writing this post in the mood I am in...but perhaps it's good to get all the sad, angry emotions out.

The past few days I have been having EXTREME mood swings. Poor DH has been copping it. I'm yelling and screaming at him over nothing. I'm ranting to him about petty issues. Then the next minute I feel so down that I'm almost in tears, and then I'm happy and smiley again. It's enough to make your head spin. Poor DH is quite confused and less than impressed. I feel like I should be wearing a 'warning' sign. I'm not game to go out and socialise with other people just incase they do something that sets me off (which right now could be as small as breathing wrong...). Which leaves me sitting on the couch today while DH has gone out fishing with his mates.

What is wrong with me?!?! I was going to put it down to the heat...but I was ok earlier in the week with the heat so I don't think that's the problem. My only other thought is that my period is coming with a vengence...it's been 3 weeks since the miscarriage so I am hoping it does show up soon. So maybe these mood swings are PMT...I can only hope because otherwise I think it just means I am turning into a moody cow.

Today I also hate dislike fertiles. This stems from  reading a stupid post on Bub Hub from a woman that started TTC quite a long time after me, fell pregnant first try, now has a 3 month old baby...and is now questioning whether she is pregnant again. Reading this made me feel WHITE, HOT RAGE. Seriously...my head could have exploded from the rage I felt when I read this. How is something like this even remotely fair to infertiles?!!? Why can't the babies be spread around a little bit more evenly?? It doesn't seem right that some women can have 7 babies and others can't even have 1. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! I could rant on for pages and pages about this, but I won't.

While I am on the ranting/raving/complaining track I'm just going to point out that despite DH being home, we are still on the avoidance list of many friends. One of DH's best mates has not even acknowledged what has happened. It's really sad. He hasn't seen DH since before the miscarriage and keeps blowing DH off. I still haven't had an RSVP from him for DH's party. What kind of friend does that?!!? They have been mates since they were 13. He was there with DH when his father died. Yet he can't stand to be around for this???? The males are really a confusing species. I also haven't had contact from my female friend (part of the couple that came round awkwardly last weekend for our girl catch up....which just makes my mind work over drive and wonder whether she IS pregnant, or whether she just finds it too hard to talk to me knowing that we are in a horrible waiting phase and they are actively TTC. *shrugs* Who knows...I just wish people would put aside their own issues to be supportive.

I also have another wonderful (please note my sarcasim) story about my inlaws...DH took me round to SIL/MILs place on Friday afternoon. I really didn't want to go, but he laid a bit of a guilt trip on me. I knew it wouldn't end well. I was right. While we were there for maybe a period of 2 hours...

-I was picked on/argued with about my new choice in Fertility Specialist (no joke..they wanted to argue with me about my research and choices...)
-I was regaled with tales of other people's miscarriages
-I had it pointed out to me that SIL has had "heaps" of miscarriages (I wonder if she is mistaking her 3-4 terminations as miscarriages..it wouldn't surprise me)
-DH was drilled about whether he is going to continue working away from home (this happens almost everytime we see them and I am unsure why it concerns them so much)
-of course there was the usual drivel out of SIL's mouth which consists of 'me me me..baby this baby that...we did this...me me me...'
-guilt from both MIL and SIL about our decision NOT to spend Christmas in NZ with them (as if I want a holiday with the pair of them!!)
-DH was made to feel guilty that he was going to be away at work for his birthday which was followed by giving him a crappy birthday present which is completely useless to him and seems like not a shred of thought was put into it

Great way to spend an afternoon hey?!?

Some Positives Because It's Saturday

It's Saturday so you know what that means...a positive post. I don't think I will be able to come up with 10 though!


1. We are finally getting some Summer weather!! I have missed the hot days and sunshine.

2. Yesterday we went down the beach in the afternoon for a swim and a walk. Due to all the crazy rain we have been having there hasn't been much chance for the beach so I am now making the most of it while I can.

3. DH bought me a dance game for the Kinect...it's so much fun and works up a sweat!

4. Still a few more days with DH home.

5. My grandmother should be out of hospital by Monday. So glad she is improving enough to go home.

6. We made yummy cheesy french toast this morning for brunch...delicious!


Don't forget to take the time and think of some positives..it can be hard, especially when you are feeling down...but it's nice to be able to think of a few things that are good in your life right now.

Hit Me With Your Statistics

11% of woman are affected by PCOS.

1 in 6 couples are infertile, or around 15%. In 35% of these cases the problem rests with the woman.

Less than 5% of infertile couples use IVF.

There is a 5% chance of miscarrying in weeks 6-12.

According to the 'pregnancy predictor' on the QFG website we now have a 1% chance of conceiving naturally but a 45% of conceiving through IVF.

So there you have it. How come I have to fall into these minority statistics?? And not just in one category, but many...It just doesn't seem fair.

I've been hit with PCOS, infertility, IVF & miscarriage. Some people are lucky enough to escape all of this, others may be hit with 1 or 2....BUT I get hit with the works.

Short and Sweet

My laptop battery is dying and I am too lazy to get up and get the power cord so I best make this short...What a difference having DH home makes to my mood! It's amazing..I feel more at peace, less stressed and much more relaxed. Looks like he got home just in time too as there is a nasty looking cyclone due to hit close to where he works in the next few days. I dare say that if he had tried to fly home a day or two later that the airport would have been closed. So I am thanking my lucky stars that today was home day!!!




We went round this evening to see a couple that we are friends with who know about the IVF and the miscarriage as well. No awkwardness! No stupid comments that I am meant to see as helpful. It was lovely, especially after the disasterous catch up with the other friends on Sunday night. I am glad that some people can act normally around me and not freak out. It was nice to sit and laugh and have a glass of wine and feel relaxed in other peoples company for a change. I need more people like these 2 in my life-they are good value!

Not much else to report. Keeping busy at work which I am finding is a great distraction. My hours will increase over the next few weeks as I plan and organise orientation week, plus I have also been asked to run an online course. This is something out of my ordinary work so it makes for a nice change.

I am debating whether I should restart my uni studies this term or wait until mid year or even next year...my work place is keen for me to keep studying and I am too in some respects, but I wonder what this year will hold TTC wise and whether it's just still too much to take on board. I have enrolled myself in 2 courses and am due to start early March, so there is still plenty of time to change my mind. I just don't want to put myself in the same situation as last year where it all got too overwhelming and I had to give up. I really want to advance my qualifications, but perhaps this isn't the right time in my life to be doing it. Any thoughts??

Ok lap top is beeping at me, best leave this post here.