1st Cetrotide Injection

I just did my first Cetrotide jab and I'm in tears.

With this injection you have a vial of powder that you have to mix with the water from a syringe and then you draw it back into the syringe so you can inject it.

Firstly the needle for mixing the water and powder is HUGE!



Freak out number one!

Next I couldn't get all the liquid from the vial sucked back into the syringe...so freaking out that I didn't get my full dose of the drug and it will stuff everything up. I spent about 10 minutes trying to get every mil of liquid back in but it wasn't happening.

So that was freak out number two.

After my freak outs I finally got to change the needle over to the small one and jab myself (once I had prepped myself with the swabs).





And then the tears came.

How come I have to go through all of this to have a baby? Why me?

Not only do I have to deal with being infertile, I have to deal with it while suffering from drug side effects, injecting myself daily with needles and enduring multiple blood tests and internal scans. Not to mention the financial expense of specialist appointments, tests, scans, medications and IVF cycling.

All of this and I don't even know if we will come out the other side with a beautiful baby of our own.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday Monday

Back to work tomorrow. I found out today that I will be interviewed for my position at 9am with a panel of 4 people!!! Arghhh!!! I always get flustered with interviews and I know this one will be no different, even though I will know everyone on the panel. Oh well, hopefully it's just a formality and the job is mine.

Got to get up super early to get a blood test done before work too...nice start to the day. And then the funeral is tomorrow at 1pm. I haven't been to a funeral since my pop passed away and I am wondering if it's going to bring up lots of emotions (plus the fact that I am injecting myself with hormones and I feel like an emotional wreck!). Oh well, I am sure I will survive.

I start my 2nd jab from tomorrow night too. Getting good at this needle giving! Have my first bruise this morning from last nights jab though. Not sure what I did differently, but I bled a tiny bit when I pulled the needle out and this morning there was a teeny tiny bruise. Was doing so well too!! Nevermind...hopefully it's the first and last.

DH left for work today, so a week on my own as our border (DH's mate) is still away at work for another week too. It will be a pretty busy week so I shouldn't feel too lonely.

side effects are not my friends

I wrote a massive post yesterday morning but it looks like my iPhone ate it! 

Injections are still going well. I am starting to feel some side effects now which isn't fun. Headaches and diarrhoea came out first, but it seems the hot flushes and major mood swings have come to join in on the fun. Not to mention my good friend nausea. 

It seems like I can't escape. I can't remember the last time I felt completely well...The Metformin coupled with the Gonal F really seems to be knocking me around. Today I spent half the day in bed sleeping, and since I got up I've been feeling miserably nauseous, hot and moody. I hope the side effects don't get worse as time goes on...

DH is back to work tomorrow. So when he comes back next it will be almost time for EPU!! Scary! I can't believe how quickly it's all going to happen. DH seems to be getting into the spirit of things. I think he is quite excited that this could be it. He seems to be bringing up babies a lot more than usual. It's nice that we can have some discussions..it almost feels like back when we first started TTC and were full of excitement and plans...sure lost that naivety quickly!

This weekend has passed so quickly. I don't feel like going back to work..but it has to be done. This week should pass reasonably fast too. I am leaving at lunch time on Tuesday to attend the funeral, then on Thursday I am leaving early to get to my FS appointment for my day 8 scan. Then I have taken the week of EPU/ET off so I can relax. Then there will only be 2 more working weeks until Christmas break! So it's not too bad really.

One down...Lots more to go!

Did my first injection tonight! Was easier than I imagined. It was just getting up the courage to stick the needle in...but with DHs encouragement I did it!!!!

A couple of photos but I'm afraid DH isn't a very good iPhone photographer!

Gonal F pen with needles.




The needle all primed and ready!




Jabbing...don't mind the flab!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:At home

Just a quick update for now.

AF finally arrived this morning with a little help from DH in the form of a BD session the night before! Never thought I would be so happy to get my period!

Went and had my blood tests done and got a call from the clinic this afternoon to say I am right to start my injections tomorrow!!! Nervous but excited at the same time. I am sure once I do the first few I will be ok.

So I am booked in for my 8 and 12 day scans as well. The 8 day is at my FS office and the 12 day at the clinic. On day 12 I will also pick up my trigger injection if all is going to plan.

I can't believe this is finally happening. I feel like we have been waiting forever.

My nanny was released from hospital today too, so it was a real good news day. Nice after the awful weekend. She is doing so much better and looks a lot brighter!

My sister, her partner and his family are doing ok. They have made arrangements for the funeral and it's to be held on Tuesday afternoon. Mum and I are helping with food for the wake and we will also attend the funeral to support my sister. There are lots of family and friends supporting the grieving family which is nice to see. My sisters partner is taking the loss of his dad very hard. I hope he will be ok. Poor guy.

I am also in the process of reapplying for my position at work. I must say whoever invented selection criteria is an asshole!!! Now I remember why I hated applying for jobs. Its due tomorrow so hoping I get it finished by the afternoon. And I better get to keep my job after going to all this effort!!!!!!

Promise to post some pics of my first jabbing session...not sure if anyone but GreenSprout will be excited by this prospect though!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Not just a bad dream

So just when we thought my grandma was out of the woods and we could breathe a little...more bad news.

My sisters partners father was rushed to hospital yesterday morning after having some trouble breathing. He was revived by ambos on the scene and taken to hospital where he flat lined twice. Once they stabilized him they transferred him to the ICU at a bigger hospital here. He went down hill from there. By last night machines were the only thing keeping him alive and the family made the decision to turn them off. Hospital policy wouldn't allow this until the morning, but late last night he slipped away.

I feel so much for his family. It has come so unexpectedly. My sister is a mess. This was pretty much her FIL. I met him a few times. He was a locally bloke. So friendly. He will be dearly missed by so many people.

My sister turned up here this morning. She hadn't been to bed in over 24 hours and hadn't eaten. I fed her and now she's dosing. Her partner is with his mum and sister making phone calls to family...most are overseas so they had to wait until a decent hour to call.

This has been a horrible weekend. I feel like it should have all been a bad dream. But it's real.

I'm feeling stressed and over whelmed. Not the best state of mind to be in when about to start IVF. But then I feel selfish thinking about this now...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

what a night

Well SIL has had her baby. I got at text at about 9:45pm last night from my MIL (totally didn't expect her to contact me) telling me I was now an auntie.

Not what I needed after the afternoon/evening I'd had. Besides I don't want to be an auntie...I want to be a mummy!!!!!! And I have not once through SIL's pregnancy thought about being an auntie or told anyone I was going to be an auntie. Because of my relationship with SIL I just don't see it like that. DH is going to be an uncle and I'm just a tag along. I am not excited (and even if I wasn't TTC I would not be excited I promise you). In my mind I won't be an auntie until my little sister has babies.

I saw the first photos of the baby that SIL's DH put up on FB. Had to try really hard not to cry...only because it was pictures of the daddy holding bub and I want that for DH so much. I know how proud he would be holding our baby for the first time and I know he would make such a wonderful dad. He has been waiting so patiently to become a dad, and I feel so bad that my body won't do the right thing.

Stupid ovaries. Stupid PCOS.

Sorry..feeling a tad overly emotional right now. I think I mentioned before that I had a terrible afternoon/evening. Definitely contributing to my emotional state right now.

Yesterday my grandma was admitted into hospital. We witnessed her literally writhing and moaning in pain while we waited out the process of bypassing the public hospital (does not have a good reputation at the moment) and getting her admitted straight into private. This involved her GP getting into contact with the lung specialist she has been seeing in regard to her cancer diagnosis. This took time...specialists are busy...throw it that it was Friday afternoon and you have an opportunity for disaster.

GP eventually ended up giving her a shot of morphine to help with the pain. It was such a horrible thing to witness seeing her like that and having nothing that can help. Mum was in tears. Eventually the GP resorted to giving her a shot of morphine for the pain (even though it does make her ill). The specialist eventually got int contact and she was taken by ambulance with mum to the hospital.

Spent the next few hours sitting by her bedside keeping her company and waiting for the specialist to arrive. I am impressed that he did turn up at around 6pm on a Friday!!! Very nice man. He has arranged for some tests to be run over the next few days. Grandma has been put on oxygen and a saline drip which even seemed to improve her condition before we left her at around 7:30pm.

Now it's just a waiting game. All of us of course are thinking about the cancer and it having spread (which we found out last week when something similar happened and she had some scans done).  All hoping that something can be done to manage her pain without her staying in hospital long term (which eventually happened to my pop in his last few weeks of life). Trying to think positive for her until we hear otherwise. It was horrible to leave her last night but she insisted we go home and rest.

Anyway I'm off to get organised so I can go visit her this morning.

Goody Bags

My goodies that I picked up today from the clinic. The thinner boxes contain the Cetrotide which I will inject from day 6-12 and the fatter boxes are Gonal F which I will start day 1-12. So double injections eventually for me!



I learnt how to inject. It doesn't seem too complicated. The most I have to do is mix up saline with the Cetrotide powder to then inject. I think I will be ok doing it. Sure my stomach will be bruised and sore by the end of it though!

Now I take my last pill tomorrow and wait for my period to arrive. Hopefully it comes quick and doesn't delay this whole process. On day 1 of my period I go for some blood tests and then the nurses confirm when I start injecting. Hopefully by Thursday.

Along with my meds I got a stack of paperwork including several forms for different blood tests, info on both Gonal F & Cetrotide and hospital admission forms for EPU.

It's all feeling very real and getting close. I hope there are no setbacks and everything runs smoothly from here. I would hate the cycle to be cancelled.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Whinge...And Then Some Positive Thinking

Still no baby.
And she can't be that close as she has had time to make Facebook updates and post on people's walls all day... This included a post on DH's wall as follows...

"well your not an Uncle yet but maybe tonight or tomorrow now.... I can tell you one thing, the contractions that I am getting pretty sure they are only minor compared to what's to come but they dam well hurt!!! Be so very grateful your a bloke!!"

Seriously...was the necessary?!?! Who needs to tell their brother about contractions and labour?!?!
HE DOESN'T CARE!!!!!

Infact I spoke to him earlier and asked if she had given birth yet.
DH's response- 'I dunno, why would I know?'
Me-'Umm...maybe because she's obsessed with telling you every detail!'
DH-'Mum hasn't called so I doubt she's had it'

Does this sound like a man who cares about becoming an uncle to you?
Doesn't to me!

Anyways....I just want the annoucement over and done with. Then I can focus on moving forward and not becoming an emotional wreck again.

_______________________________

On a better note, my appointment with the IVF clinic is tomorrow morning.

I'm going to pay the bill, learn to inject and pick up my meds. I am actually looking forward to it, as it means we are a step closer to stuff actually happening. I feel like we have been waiting around for too long now with no action. My last cycle on Letrozole was back in September...feels like an age ago now.

So I am trying to get myself back on task.

I want to be focused on the IVF process and on a positive outcome.
I do not want to be dwelling on SIL and her baby.
As selfish as it sounds, this next month has to be all about ME!

I have my band of cheerleaders.
I will have DH home for EPU and ET (and possibly even for testing).


WE WILL GET OUR BFP!!!

Feel like an idiot

I am obsessively checking Facebook to see if there are any updates about SIL.

The last thing has been her husband putting a status about waiting for his wife to start pushing...

I just want the baby to be born already so I can be put out of my misery.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's Happening...

You know how that saying 'kick you when you're down'?

Well that's happening to me right now. I feel like I'm not just being kicked, but punched, slapped and spat on for good measure.

Found out last night that SIL is being induced TODAY.

-kick, punch, slap, spit-
(and repeat)

Here I am thinking I'll have a few more weeks to prepare but instead the baby is coming early and I have no time to bring myself back into positive mode before I am hit with the news of the birth.

I lost it last night. Completely lost it. I cried for hours. I was red and puffy, tear stained and snotty. I couldn't breathe properly. I couldn't calm myself down. Of course DH wasn't there to help calm me down so all I could do was let it all out.

I cried for the unfairness of TTC.
I cried for the ache I feel to hold my own baby.
I cried because SIL is getting exactly what I want but without all the heartache and drama I have to endure.

I feel somewhat lighter but know it's going to get worse before it gets better.

We will be bombard with Facebook updates, photos and text messages. Once DH arrives home next week she will be pressuring him to visit as well as throwing more texts,photos and phone calls his way. As she is so insistent that he be godfather there will be the extra pressure/blackmail coming from her about him visiting regularly and buying presents etc etc.

It may seem like I am exaggerating but honestly I am not. This is what she is like. She uses emotional blackmail on DH often to get her way. And of course he is the one who will look like an asshole if he doesn't comply.

I don't want this. I want to be able to get back into a positive mind set before we start our IVF cycle. I want to be relaxed and stress free and happy throughout the process to give us the best possible chance of a BFP first try.

But I can't see this happening when SIL is demanding to be centre of attention. I know DH won't say no to her either. Not for this. And that makes me mad. I need him to push her in the background while we go through this. I don't need to hear or see further evidence that she has a baby and I don't.

-sigh-

I'm exhausted. I managed to fall asleep around 1am and was up by 5am. I can't focus. I have spent my first hour at work tooling around on the Internet. Naughty naughty. And I still have another day after today to struggle through.

I am ready to throw in the towel. How can anything be worth all this sadness, hurt and heartache? If we didn't have the IVF lined up already I think I would walk away from this and push the baby dream aside. I can't stand feeling like this much longer. If there is no BFP at Christmas I give up.

I am at the point where I want to throw it all in. Quit my job, sell the house and run far away. Just DH and me. F$&@ everything else. I'll go be a bitter and twisted infertile where noone knows me.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Slumped over my desk

Attack of the Super Fertile

Just some snippets from a very long winded Facebook status (and conversation continued with people's replies to status update) that made my day...

'being pregnant is overrated I have never had a pleasant day being pregnant in my life and it's not fair'

'over this pregnancy and I'm only 15 weeks'

'apparently I am very fertile and that is why I keep getting pregnant'

Ok, I understand she is suffering from severe morning sickness and I can imagine that would be awful. But honestly this is her 2nd baby so chances are if you were sick the first time round, you are going to be sick with the 2nd.

I know I am probably coming off as a bitter and twisted infertile...but stuff on Facebook like this just feels like a punch in the guts.

I swear if I ever get pregnant I will not write any status updates complaining about being pregnant. I am going to cherish each and every day. I don't care how sick or miserable I am (if that happens).

I suppose TTC and having problems at least gives you the insight and helps you to become more sensative and intune to fertility issues. People who are super fertile just don't understand I guess.

Sorry sorry sorry for all the negative posts. I'm just trying to wrap my head around things and not dealing with everything as well as I thought I would.

Just to add to my emotional turmoil, DH has gone back to work today. After 3 weeks home. I now have to keep telling myself it's only for a week. I just need to get back into our routine I suppose. But right at this very minute I could cry because I miss him already and he's only been gone an hour.

Big baby.

I could sit here and write pages on how I'm feeling but I won't because you have heard it all before. I feel like such a whinger. But this blog is a place where I can put my true feelings out to air. Even though people in RL know about our troubles and what we are going through, I have not totally removed my game face. DH is the only one who has seen me cry about infertility and babies and treatment.

I would kill for a good vent/debrief/cry/talk session with one of my friends but it's so hard to organise time. GS & Nani are too far away for last minute catch ups (as is another friend who knows our story) and the ones who live close by..well...one is on her honeymoon, one works super crazy long hours, one is undertaking end of semester uni exams....you get the idea here?!? By the time I could schedule a catch up with anyone I wouldn't feel the need for the vent/debrief/cry/talk anyway!

flat lining...

Back from the wedding but I'm feeling really flat still.

Seeing my cousin with her twins all dressed up was so bittersweet. I love those 2 little bubs so much and I adore spending time with them...BUT it makes me ache for a baby of my own and brings me down wondering where my little miracles are.

SIL's due date is looming closer. She is due on the 6th December. 2 days before EPU. I hope we don't get cancelled or something around then..because if she has her baby and then I lose my shot at being pregnant before 2010 is over...well I'm going to be a big, fat mess. It will be bad enough if I get a BFN and then I will be expected to see her (and baby) on Christmas Day. I don't think I will be able to face her if I am not pregnant.

Ugh...I want my positiveness back. I'm trying to dig deep but it's not happening.

It's probably because IVF is happening so very soon. I have a million thoughts and emotions running through my head at all hours of the day (and night).

I am:

-nervous
-excited
-anxious
-stresssed, and
-scared out of my mind...all at once.

I just want a baby. Is that really too much to ask?!?

Down down down

Having some issues with finances at the moment as we are juggling some stuff around for DHs new car and the IVF bill.

Talk about stress and anxiety...

For the past 24 hours I have had a horrible sick feeling in my stomach, a pounding heart and I am struggling to control my breathing so that I don't hyperventilate.

Finances are not sorted completely...(gotta love banks taking their sweet time) but we now have a plan B to pay the bill if the bank doesn't get it's ass into gear on time.

For awhile there I was contemplating cancelling the IVF cycle. A gut wrenching thing to even contemplate, yet alone actually go through with. My mind was running at a million miles a minute trying to figure out alternatives. It has been self inflicted torture.

DH kept telling me to relax and that things would fall into place. I am relieved we have semi sorted the problem and at least have comfort knowing we can go ahead with IVF. I don't know what I would have done if I actually had to go through with cancelling.

So now I can breathe and try to refocus. I am trying to get back in my positive mind set but I am struggling somewhat.

I am feeling stagnant. I'm not moving forward (yet) but so many people around me are. Many of those that I started my TTC journey with are about to (or have) given birth to their babies & others are experiencing the wonders of pregnancy. Yet here I am still waiting and wondering when it's going to be my turn.

Am I ever going to feel my bubba move inside me? Or experience the joy of seeing a tiny thing wriggling around on screen?

Even more simpler..am I ever going to experience seeing those elusive 2 lines?!?! Right now I would settle for that and that alone. The joy of those lines would keep me going for quite awhile I can tell you.

In the time I have been TTC I could have given birth to one baby and possibly gotten pregnant again (if I was super fertile). It's sorta feels like the universe is playing a super sick joke on me or something...

And while I am on this downward spiral I may as well share the not so good news about my grandma. I think I mentioned her quite awhile back. She was diagnosed with lung cancer but was doing well.

She has been quite sick this week and in a lot of pain. Doctors have run a stack of tests/scans etc and have confirmed that the cancer has spread to her stomach.

I am so scared that she won't be with us much longer. I wanted so badly for her to meet my babies and I don't even know if this will happen.

Why is life so f&$@ed up sometimes?!?

Cervix Clips, Appointments & Fear of Failure

So I walk in to my FS appointment yesterday thinking all I will be up for is an internal scan...it was this plus a whole lot more.

Internal was first just to check out my insides and take a quick peek at my ovaries. He said there was a small amount of PCOS changes but nothing that should impact on the upcoming process of IVF. Took some measurements of follies etc and I thought we were done!

WRONG!!!

Speculum came out to play, along with a catheter and a clip of some form which he then explained he would be attaching it to my cervix...The catheter was used to help measure my uterine cavity (I think). Clip was quite painful but it was over fairly quickly which I was grateful for.

I think this was the beginning of the end (of my dignity) but figure I should get used to stuff like this in preparation for pregnancy and birth..

Anyways FS seemed happy and ready to start me on Cetrotide (my FSH injections) once the 25th rolls round.

I made an appointment at the IVF clinic for next Friday (19th) to pick up my meds and learn how to use them all. It's all getting closer and closer.

I'm not feeling so nervous anymore either. I have been speaking with some ladies on BubHub that are going down the IVF road too and this has helped me immensely. Great to hear other peoples experiences.

My only fear now is the fear of a failed cycle. I am trying to stay positive and optimistic, but this thought continues to creep in. A failed cycle will ruin Christmas and be a crappy end to a crappy year. It could mean a possible break in TTC depending on our finances as I'm not sure whether the clinic would supplement more than one cycle. But I will keep pushing this thought deep down inside and won't let it out unless it actually becomes reality.

For now I will continue to think that we will get our Christmas miracle. We WILL be one of the lucky couples that has success on their first round of IVF. I will be pregnant before 2010 ends!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:At work

Infertility Gets In The Way (again)

Went back to work today. 200 emails waiting for me. Fun!

I'm leaving early to get my baseline scan done at the FS. It was the only time they could squeeze me in so couldn't say no. Then next week I will go into the IVF clinic to collect my meds, learn how to inject and pay the bill. Then once injections start it's pretty much all systems go with multiple scans and blood tests before EPU. If all goes well ET will be the 10th December.

Having a horrible stress at the moment. One of the emails waiting for me at work was from my supervisor letting me know that myself and 1 other staff member have been accepted to go to a conference down south and present a workshop we are working on. This would usually be a hooray moment as it's a great opportunity and an amazing conference BUT the dates clash with some of my scans and BTs that will take place just before EPU. Plus depending on travel times I may not fly back until day of our EPU.

So now I have to tell my supervisor that I cannot go. Even though when we discussed it quite awhile ago I said I was willing. I don't know whether to take the honesty option and tell her what is going on or just give a general excuse...

My main concern about telling her I am undertaking IVF is that my contract is up for renewal very soon and I would hate for this to be used against me as a reason not to re-hire. If this wasn't happening right now I don't think I would have any qualms about letting her in on this. I know it would be much easier given I may need to leave work early/have days off through out this process.

But giving a general medical reason might not satisfy and I don't want it to sound like a fake excuse. So I am swaying madly between the 2 and hoping I will figure it out.

I was speaking to my supervisor on the phone before and luckily it didn't come up in conversation. I know it will only be a matter of time before I have to tell her I am not going though.

Why can't stuff just fall into place for once?!?

excitement plus!

Dates for IVF have changed slightly so DH can be home for egg pick up & transfer.

At this stage we are looking at 25th November to start injecting and 8th December for egg pick up (all going well). Then I think it can be anywhere from 2-4 days before they transfer back into me.

So it looks like I am either going to get the very best or worst Christmas present!

I am feeling nervous and excited that we are getting close to this all happening. The nerves are mostly about the injections and fear of failing of course. The excitement is pretty obvious I'd assume...by Christmas time I could be pregnant! I may get to end 2010 on a high note and I will get a 2011 bub! -cue squeals of excitement-

I am feeling positive right now. Success rates for IVF for under 30's are quite high. I am aiming to stay positive throughout the entire process. I do not want to be all doom and gloom. I don't want to stress myself out with negative thoughts either.

I have a fantastic cheer squad to keep those negative thoughts away. My DH, mum, sister and of course GreenSprout & Nani are at the top of the list.

Had a wonderful chat with my mum about it all today. She is super excited for us. I know she can't wait to be a grandma. She is super cute when she sees my cousin's twins, so I can imagine how much she will enjoy having her own grandbabies to enjoy.

DH and I have also had a great chat. He was keen to shift the dates so he could be present and hopefully use a fresh sample rather then our frozen one which would require ICSI. He is confident that IVF is going to work for us first time round and thinks we will end up with twins (my sister is another who thinks twins will be our end result!). It's nice that he is excited about this and is willing to have conversations with me. Come a long way from when we first started TTC.

It's very weird taking the pill each morning. I never thought I would go back onto this form of contraception, but it's a step closer to our IVF cycle and part of this process I suppose. I have to keep reminding myself to take it each morning...I'm so forgetful with stuff like that!

I am back to work on Tuesday which is such a downer. I have enjoyed my time off so much! Especially since DH has been around. He has one more week off and will then head back to work. I think he will find it hard to get back into his work routine too.

We are also frantically looking for a new car for DH. Hoping he will find one before he heads back to work (even better if its before the weekend). Otherwise he will be stuck at home without a car when I head down south for my cousins wedding. I don't think he is too keen for this to happen, so hopefully this will spur him on to make a decision!

Done & Dusted

Wedding is over..the day went so quickly and I think even more so because it was a morning wedding.

The weather cleared up in time for photos which was great. The bride looked stunning and the groom scrubbed up well (as did the groomsmen!). My DH had a clean shaven face for the first time in over 2 years!!!!!!! Wow!!!

Was lots of fun being a bridesmaid though my feet are absolutely killing me! Should have tried to wear in my shoes before today.

It's now after 11pm and I can't sleep. We are sharing a villa with 3 other members of the bridal party. Everyone else has retired to bed but me...damn insomnia.

Hoping there won't be a hangover like the hens night as I stuck with champagne all day and mixed it up with water and soft drink.

I am going to be all wedding-ed out as next weekend I am heading south for my cousins. Just going with my mum and sister...leaving the boys at home! I plan to wear my bridesmaid outfit over again as it's a gorgeous dress and very flattering. I will try and post some photos up of me looking all dolled up...I scrub up alright according to DH!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wedding Bells

Up early to get our hair and makeup done for the wedding! Not sure if I mentioned it before but it is a morning wedding. So 5am start is already killing me!

Us girls spent the night up at the ceremony venue (a gorgeous B & B) and had a girly night of junk food and pizza. Lovely!

Had one of those awkward TTC moments when pregnant bridesmaid started asking bride to be when she was going to start having children. Bride has stopped the pill a week ago and I almost cried. She will probably be pregnant before me...Then bridesmaid asked if me and DH were having kids. Talk about awkward moment! My response (because although bride knows I really didn't feel comfortable telling everyone else) 'that's a whole other story'. Got a few 'ohs' and 'huhs' but it shut them up and I got no further questions!

Well I better head off to the shower. Wish me luck...I hope I don't trip!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

getting closer

My period arrived yesterday giving me a 24 day cycle and making today CD2 and my 2nd day back on the pill. It sure is strange going back onto birth control while still in TTC mind set. It seems so wrong!

I sent an email off  to the nurses at the clinic to find out what next. I thought I would get a call from them organising a time for me to go for my baseline scan, but instead I received a reply email with possible dates for our IVF cycle!!!

-eeeeeek-

At this stage I will go in to see my FS for a baseline scan around the 11th of this month. Then after this I need to have an appointment down at the clinic to collect meds (and obviously get the run down on injecting, doses etc) and pay our account. On the 24th I will commence the FSH injections and egg pick up will be scheduled for around the 7th of December....Meaning if all goes well then I will be getting either a BFP or a BFN around Christmas.

-eeeeep-

I have checked my calendar and DH is due home on the 7th but as he doesn't fly in until the afternoon then he wouldn't be here for egg pick or giving a fresh sample. Which means we would have to go with our frozen 'sperm pop' and ICSI. I have emailed back checking with the nurse to see if it would be better to delay the process by a day so that DH could be here and produce us a fresh sample. If it's not feasible then we are happy to stick with our frozen goods and give ICSI a shot.

I know that these dates will pop up quickly. It's already the 3rd of November. I am still in shock that we are in November and Christmas is a mere 6 weeks away or whatever...

I am now in even more shock that by Christmas I could quite possibly be pregnant...or wallowing in self pity about our 1st failed IVF cycle. I am hoping and praying that we will be lucky and receive a Christmas miracle.

I know I'm jumping around all over the place right now. I am freaking out.
This is really happening.
We will be starting IVF in a matter of weeks. The process has already begun.

Right now I can't pinpoint what is freaking me out so much.

Perhaps its just that the process is so foreign and I don't know anyone personally that has been through it that I can talk it through with. There is no one around me that has a full understanding of the process because they have been through it themselves. Sometimes it's just so reassuring having someone say 'oh that's totally normal-it happened to me too'.

Or maybe its more the worrying of another fail. That IVF doesn't give us a positive outcome first time round. To be perfectly honest I do not know how DH and I would cope with this. It would be a massive blow and not something I would bounce back from quickly. Although I suppose I could surprise myself....Maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit for. If it does fail (and I really, really hope it doesn't) I'm not sure how willing DH will be to give it a second go...even if it's just a FET cycle and not as involved. But we will cross this bridge when and if we come to it.

I am trying to stay positive and optimistic. We want this so badly and have waited for what feels like a life time. Surely it's our turn to get that good news. I would love to end 2010 on a happy note and start the new year with a positive outlook.

Anyway I just wanted to blab all this out. I will be busy the next few days with our friends wedding so that gives me a wonderful distraction. Once that's over then I will allow myself to think about all this and dig all my feelings out to explore further. I think I have a lot to work through before we get closer to these dates. Lots to think about and talk out with DH too.

Musings

Well Sunday was a recovery day. I have not been hungover in a VERY, VERY long time. It's horrible and I don't plan on doing that again anytime soon...though I suppose I may take this back at the wedding on Friday!

Today I'm still tired but I think it's because I didn't sleep well. 
It's nice having DH home and knowing I don't have to work this week. 
I'm even enjoying having DH's mate living with us again. Right now he is in the kitchen cooking us dinner (he's a chef!). 


Still waiting for AF. Today is CD24. Few more days and I suppose I will start the pill and get this whole thing rolling. I am pinning AF to arrive the day of the wedding..perfect timing of course.... 


I am feeling excited and nervous about it all. DH and I were talking about it this morning. I was explaining the IVF process to him and it's so clinical. Not sure if it bothers me as such...it's just not how I expected we would make a baby. But I'm sure nobody does. It's just one of those things. Some people are lucky when it comes to conceiving and others aren't. I know in the long run it doesn't matter...we will have a baby at the end of it all (hopefully) and that's all we want. My other random thought for today about IVF is do you tell your child that they were conceived via IVF?!?! Does it matter?!? 


*shrugs* 


Something to contemplate I guess.