Woohoooooooo!!!

Hens night = AWESOME!!!

The night went off without a hitch! I am so wrapt considering it was at my house and I planned most of it.

Everyone had a great time, especially the bride to be! Yay!!! We even went out on the town for a little while...but it's just not the same anymore now we are older....

So I'm lying in bed wondering how I can stop the room spinning yet managing to type fairly well (I hope) on my iPhone!

Still felt a bit envious of the bridesmaid who is pregnant. She announced this to us on Friday while we were shoe shopping. This is her second baby. Her first is about 14 months old. I felt I turned green with jealousy when she told us all....but think I managed to be enthusiastic for her. I just want my own so badly and here she is on number 2. So think I compensated with extra shots...

Hoping I don't regret this drinking in the morning. I honestly can't remember the last time I drank this much. Before TTC I think!


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Birthday Girl

Today is my 26th birthday.

This time last year if you had of asked me, I would have told you that by next birthday I would be holding a baby in my arms or in the worst case scenario..baby in my belly.

Am I dissapointed?
You bet.
Have I let it ruin my day?
Hell no!

I have had a lovely birthday so far and it's not over yet.

I have been showered with gifts from all my family. We enjoyed a lovely lunch of fish and chips down by the beach, followed by an amazing Brownie Bottom Cheesecake that my mum and sister made for me. Tonight we are headed out to dinner to a new Italian restaurant. Not to mention all the texts, phone calls and Facebook messages wishing me a happy day. Special thanks must go out to GreenSprout who has been leaving me hourly messages for most of the day on FB!

The sun is shining, my husbands home and I am on holidays..I don't think I could ask for much more.

I'm excited to try out my brand new hair straightener tonight before we head out to dinner. I have been dying to have my own ever since I house sat my parents place and used my mums each day.

I also got several new beads for my Pandora bracelet so it's starting to look a bit fuller now. Also can't wait to rewatch season 1 of Glee now I have it on DVD complete with a 'I'm A Gleek' shirt. These are only a few of the lovely gifts I have received.

Anyways I think I'm in need of a nap before we go out tonight!

Update and a Short Rant

Got my script for the pill yesterday, along with a letter from my FS detailing my next steps.

So I need to...

-fill my script
-wait for AF to arrive
-start taking the pill
-let FS and clinic know AF has started
-have a scan done (baseline scan so they have something to compare with later on)

And then I suppose I will be waiting (again) for AF to turn up so I can start all the new drugs.

Very impatient to get started!

DH arrived home yesterday and will be here for 3 weeks!!! So nice to have him home. This is the longest he has been ohms for in about 1.5 years and the first time he will be here for my birthday in 2 years! Fun times ahead!

All systems go for the bucks/hens nights we are going to this weekend. I am hosting the hens at our house and the boys are going bush camping. Friday/Saturday I will be running around on bridesmaid duties (we still need shoes) and then I will be getting the house in order and cooking up a storm for Saturday night.

I am looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I am not really into hens nights. All I had was dinner and a few drinks. The other 2 bridesmaids decided we should go all out so we are having cocktails, games and even a show! We have a guy coming to do 'Puppetry of the Penis' (just google it if you have no idea what that involves). I am now desperately hoping that everyone coming has a sense of humour! Plus it's that extra added pressure of being 'hostess'...I'm sure I will have fun on the night but right now I am stressing about the details!

Then next week will be any last minute wedding stuff the bride wants a hand with and the wedding is then on Friday.

Not sure when I will get time with my week and a bit off work to relax...but I will try my hardest!

Now on a completely different note...I am going to have a short rant. I have warned you! I would also like to point out that I am ranting about people in real life so don't take offense!

Today I have been so tempted to post this as my Facebook status update...(but won't because I am too nice & not ready to come out of the infertility closet to everyone).

[summastarlet] finds it offensive when people continuously complain about their pregnancies. Next time you go to open your mouth about morning sickness or swollen feet give a thought to someone like me (an infertile) who would kill to be suffering pregnancy ailments instead of experiencing heart break month after month.

Really, if I had more guts I would post this. And I know I would get an outraged response (more so than an influx of support). So I will just imagine doing it, share it with my fellow bloggers and move on.

Rant over.


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Location:At work

Day 30-About My Husband

So I thought I would wrap up my 30 Days of Blogging with something fairly interesting (well I hope it's interesting!!).

I mention my DH so much on here that I figure it's only fair to tell you a little more about him! And for the record I'll call him A!

-A is a Valentines Day baby and around 9 months older than me.
-He is a Kiwi (New Zealander) but has now lived in Australia longer!!
-He does not have an accent though..but can fake a good one (imagine beached as whale..)
-A's father died when he was 17 of a heart attack. Infact his father died in his arms while he was performing CPR. :-(
-He is a mechanic by trade but gave this up when he got a job in the mining industry (about 2 years ago now).
-We went to the same high school, were in the same grade & had mutual friends, but did not meet until a year after school had finished!
-A has almost every type of license you can think of (car, boat, truck, jet ski & gun).
-His latest hobby is shooting. He recently got his gun license and we are waiting for the first gun permit to come through so he can pick it up from the store. He is determined to start going out hunting with one of his mates and is quite excited at the prospect of shooting pigs and kangaroos...(both pests here so it's legal).
-A is such a blokey bloke. His other hobbies are fishing, moto riding and 4 Wheel Driving. Loves to be outdoors and go camping. He is still trying to convince me that it's fun!
-He is super friendly and will strike up a conversation with anyone. Definitely not shy!
-A has one tattoo, on his arm. It's actually his second tattoo but as his first was done too small for his arm they just drew over and extended it to make it bigger. I think he has plans for a few more.
-A is a very kind person and will do anything to help out a friend/family member in need. Sometimes this is hard when people (like his sister) take advantage of this kindness.
-He is actually a very good cook when he puts his mind to it. Has made me some lovely meals over the years. Just not so good at cleaning up afterwards!!!!
-We met when we were both 18 (I had just had my 18th birthday 2 weeks prior).
-A proposed to me while we were sitting on the couch watching TV. He had been planning to wait until my 21st birthday but was so excited about picking up my rings that he just blurted it out that night!!!!

Most of all I know that he loves me very much and would do anything for me. He has been my rock through many hard times and I know my life would not be so wonderful without him. I am very proud to call him my husband, and so happy we get to spend our lives together.


Ok...so I know that was all a little soppy but I had to do something special for the 30th day!!!! Finally finished this blogging project which I think I started early September! Knew I would get there eventually, and hopefully you all know me a little bit better now.

Day 29- Retirement Plans

Ok second last '30 Days of Blogging' post!!! I know it's taken a while but it's almost done!

Retirement...it seems like such a long time off but on a few occasions DH and I have had discussions about what we'd like to do when we're old and grey!

Travel is the big thing on the agenda. Specifically traveling around Australia. Yes, we want to be grey nomads! Complete with caravan and 4WD to get us around our great country.

Half of me wants to do this when we have kids and pull them out of school for 6 months and let them see some different places, but the selfish part of me wants to wait till our (future children) are old enough to fend for themselves and do it just DH and I! Who knows...maybe we will do it both ways!

DH plans to have a gigantic workshop built complete with hoist so he can play with cars. Specifically, he wants to build cars...like buy an old shell and rebuild the engine etc etc. I think part of him hopes this workshop becomes a reality way before retirement age though...

And what will I do when he's out tinkering? Well I would hope to have some grand children around that I can spend time with for a start! Plus I think I would take up a new hobby or something..like painting. And I would definitely do some sort of volunteer work. So I think that should keep me busy when we are not off traveling the globe!!!


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Good things come..

So for a long time it's been bad news after more bad news...today I am extremely excited to announce some amazing news!!!!

The IVF Clinic called me this afternoon, and they are going to give us the financal assistance deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ok so if this wasn't enough to put a smile on my face, then the amount of discount surely did. We only have to pay $2000 upfront when I pick up my meds (instead of like $10000-12000)! I almost fainted. Then we just pay for the hospital and anethesist (about $1500) but this is covered by our PHI anyways so we should get most of it back. By the time I got off the phone I must have had a smile a mile wide...I could have started jumping around screaming in excitement, but managed to contain myself!

When I called DH to tell him, he was over the moon. I said 'we only have to pay $2000 upfront' and he's like 'oh ok, do they let us pay off the rest in installments or something?' and then I get to tell him that that's it..there's nothing more to pay! He was silent for a second and then just started gabbing about how great it was! So nice to be able to share some good news with him for once. 

So now DH and I have talked about it, I can call the clinic tomorrow and tell them we want to get started ASAP. Then I will go in and get the run down on what next..and we should be on our way. 

It's amazing to think that before the year is out, I could be pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!

-cue excited squeals-

Hello Hello

I've been debating what to post about the past few days. It seems that every time I have an appointment I come back to my blog and post a massive word vomit of emotions. Probably not the nicest thing for people to read but I suppose it gets it out of my head.

I had my appointment with one of the nurses at the IVF clinic on Monday. I'm still trying to get my head around everything. It was a total information overload.

I walked away feeling more knowledgable about the IVF process, but sad that this may be something we won't be doing anytime soon. And that hurts.

Knowing that we have come all this way and having to stop is absolutely heart breaking. Every time I think of this I want to cry. It just doesn't seem fair that our finances are dictating whether we have a family or not.

We are looking into options to fund an IVF cycle.

Firstly there are medical finance providers that you can obtain low interest/no interest loans from but of course its more debt to add to our collection. And there's not a guarantee that they will loan us any money anyway!

Secondly, I am looking into accessing our superannuation money. This seems like a complicated process but I have read about a few people who have achieved this for the purpose of IVF. To me this is a better option than going into more debt, although it lowers the amount of cash we will have available on retirement...but we have plenty of time to add to it really. DH was a bit concerned about trying this, but as I said to him it doesn't hurt to look at all the options.

My last option is something that was brought to my attention yesterday by one of the nurses. She called me up and told me that the clinic is looking at giving out financial hardship assistance to help a couple get an IVF cycle in before the end of the year. She couldn't give me the amount of discount we would receive from this, but she seemed to think it was substantial. She asked me to write a letter outlining our circumstances and get it to the Nursing Coordinator before Thursday.

I wrote the letter last night, tweaked it this morning and emailed it off. Now all I can do is wait and see what happens. To get a discount off the upfront costs would be amazing and to get a chance to have an IVF cycle before the year is over...well I don't think I have to say how excited we would be if that were possible!!!

So I'm not all doom and gloom. There are a few little rays of hope shining through..but sometimes its hard to see them for all the clouds!

I know I have whinged about Facebook before and the evilness of pregnancy and birth announcements...but in the past 2 days I have been hit with 2 more pregnancy announcements. Ouch!

The first was not an announcement as such but more of a extremely long update about this particular lady (someone I went to school with) having spent 5 days in hospital and it turns out her body doesn't like being pregnant...or something to that effect. Now I was quite shocked to hear about her being pregnant again. Her first has just turned 1 and from the thousands of status updates about how much she loves her daughter or how clever her little girl is etc etc, it seems she is a loving mum. BUT when she is not posting about her daughter, her posts are a constant run down of not having any money, not having a place to live, having to move rental properties and then more about not having any money. I am not exaggerating either..she status updates sometimes 3-4 times a day and her 2 topics are daughter or whinge about lack of money etc. There is nothing else.

So I have to wonder why on earth she is having another baby when it seems like they can't afford the one they have. And then of course it gets me thinking about the whole fairness thing...we have a house and stability and can afford a baby, yet we can't have one because the costs of IVF are so extreme. Yet she's onto her second.


The 2nd announcement was yesterday. I flicked onto Facebook and the top update was "insert name" is growing a human! Complete with picture of her 12 week scan. Mmmmm....This is another girl I went to school with who is also onto her second child. First child is from her now ex-husband and this child is the new partner. Awesome!

I think the majority of girls I have on Facebook from school are either pregnant or mummies. It's like a slap in the face everytime I get online lately as there seems to be another announcement or a flood of cute photos. SIL is on count down mode now. I think it's about 7 weeks until she is due. She keeps posting photos of herself holding other people's babies. Apparantly several of her friends have just given birth plus her SIL has also just had a baby. Then  another girl from school has just had her 2nd so there is an influx of newborn photos she has shared. It's enough to make you cry...or scream...or smash a computer screen.

It's times like these that I hate the powers of Facebook that connect you with everyone. It just magnifies the heartache and anger I am feeling about our situation. Even writing about it all makes me feel sad.

Time for some cheer up music and an end to this post. This song makes me want to get up and boogey!

'Kiss With A Fist' -Florence & The Machine

Day 28- A Favourite Dessert

Oh this is too easy! I love dessert. I have a very sweet tooth! 

One of my all time favourite desserts is a Blackforest Trifle that I make (usually at Christmas time). It's easy and delicious!!! It's also a big family favourite. I think this is my aunt's creation!

Blackforest Trifle

chocolate swiss roll
port wine flavoured jelly
chocolate pudding/custard
sherry (or any other alcohol you feel like adding...rum, bourbon etc)
cherries (de-pipped..usually I use ones from a can)
cream
flake/grated chocolate (to sprinkle on top)

Cut swiss roll into pieces. Place on bottom of large bowl. Sprinkle with sherry (or other alcohol) and use as much/little as you'd like. 
Drain cherries and put aside juice/syrup. 
Mix up jelly according to packet directions. Use  cherry syrup as part of the liquid required. Tip jelly mix over swiss roll. Put in fridge to set.


Once jelly is set, put cherries into bowl ontop of the jelly. Mix up chocolate pudding/custard (if using packet mix) and pour over top of cherries. Whip cream and put ontop of custard. Sprinkle with broken up flake/grated chocolate. Keep in fridge until ready to serve.


Enjoy!

Day 27-A Place I Avoid

I avoid the dentist. Infact, I have not been to the dentist since about 2004 or 2005. My teeth were fine then...

I never used to mind the dentist. We used to have the dental van come to school and I would have my yearly visit with no major dramas. I had a filling one year which was a bit scary but I survived!

But then one dentist picked up on the large gap between my 2 front teeth (and my sister had this too). He decided that we both needed a frenectomy. This was when I was 12.

The frenectomy was a painful procedure. Even with the needles I could still feel him cutting away at the skin. I could taste the blood in my mouth. Once he was done, I had several stitches (those dissovible ones) and was sent on my way.

I couldn't eat for a day or 2. Mum gave us icecream and jelly from memory. Scored a day or 2 off school from it also which was an upside to the whole thing. I healed up well, and the gap closed up nicely. You wouldn't even know I'd had it done.

But this procedure scared me off dentists. Even though I know I'd never have something like this done again, I don't want to sit in a dentist chair. I don't want needles or drills or cotton wool near my mouth!!!

We have had Private Health Insurance for years now which would mean I could go get a check up for free and if I need any work done it would be for a minimal cost...but I still don't want to go! DH and my mum keep urging me to go...but I can't bring myself to book an appointment!!!

Perhaps it should be my goal for this month...see the dentist. Hrmm...we'll see.

Day 26- My 10 Most Frequently Used Websites

I am not very creative when it comes to websites...I pretty much come online and do the same thing each day!

1. Facebook -I think this is self explanatory...Oh did I ever mention I am a Facbook addict?! If I'm not looking at it on my computer, I am looking at it from my iPhone!

2. BubHub -My TTC knowledge base and  I met the lovely GreenSprout & Nani through the forums here. What would I do without them?!?

3. Blogger-So I can keep this blog updated and follow my fellow bloggers stories!

4. Hotmail-Try to keep up with my emails..but been a bit slack lately.

5. Google-How I find anything and everything online.

6. Melaleuca-I buy all my cleaning products from here.

7. eBay- I have to restrain myself here...get a bit carried away some days with online shopping bargins!

8. Big Fish Games-sometimes when I have nothing better to do I waste time playing pointless games...

9. Lamebook-For when I need a laugh.

10. Ummm....honestly I can't think of a 10th site that I use regularly!

Just a quick one

FS believes IVF is our best chance for success. He reiterated that unless we can use fresh sperm then IUI is a bust. With the frozen sample we have he believes we would have less than 5% chance of success. Pretty shitty odds even for IUI.

He was not concerned about my weird period. All he asked was if it came on time. And it pretty much did, give or take a day or two.

Good news is I won't be needing ovarian drilling at this stage! Quite happy to skip that one!!!

I have an appointment on Monday with the IVF clinic nurses to go through the ins and outs of IVF. Then when we start all really comes down to how soon we can get the money together...

Looking at a few options to come up with the cash sooner rather than later. I would love to try ne t cycle but might be pushing it. All depends on a few things. Keep your fingers crossed that we can work it out.

Told my parents today about needing IVF. Needless to say they were shocked. More shocked when I told them how much money we need to do it. I hate putting this crap news on people but you can't exactly lie now when they ask...especially when they knew I had an appointment today. Oh well..that's what families are for I guess-sharing the good and bad.


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2 posts in one day!!!

Hello hello!

It's been awhile since I updated so I figured while I am dead quiet at work is the perfect time to fill you all in (haha..that's if there is anyone reading!!).

I am what I think is CD6 today. AF has me baffled this cycle. I have never experienced anything like it..pre pill, on pill or post pill since we started TTC.

What I assumed was my period started Saturday around lunch time. Not very heavy but enough of a flow to make me think there was more to come. Fast forward about 3-4 hours, the flow has all but stopped and all that's happening is brown spotting. Sunday and Monday-brown spotting but only when I went to the loo. Tuesday-nothing until I go to the loo after lunch and when I wipe there is red blood...so I assume my period has returned?!? Fast forward another hour or so-brown spotting. Wednesday all I had was a bit of brown stained CM and today there is nothing.

What is up with that?!?!

Nothing like this in all my 14 months of TTC has ever happened to me. My periods were fairly normal. 1-3 days of medium/heavy flow then down to light/spotting. Not this on again off again stuff.

I suppose my body has picked a perfect time to go off the rails. There is no TTC action so it doesn't really matter. Actually it would have been nice if AF went AWOL for a week or so..and then that might have got my ovulation back on track with DH's time at home. Ha! As if she would be that nice to me!!!!!

I am off to see my FS tomorrow so I will run this whacky period by him to see if it's a concern. A little part of me was hoping it was implantation bleeding but I don't feel pregnant.

I had a very real BFP dream on Monday night. It was basically me getting up Tuesday morning and POAS and seeing those 2 lines appear. I bawled my eyes out in the dream then started freaking out wondering if I should call DH or wait to tell him in person. I also distinctly remember taking a photo of my test and sending it to GreenSprout & Nani to make sure I wasn't imagining things!! Was such a bummer to wake up and realise it was all just a crazy dream. Not the best way to motivate yourself out of bed!!!

DH is home right now until Monday. Have had a few little chats about IVF and everything but waiting to see what the FS has to say. I think we both realise that nothing more will be done this year due to the huge costs involved. Very sad for us but not something we can change right now unless a miracle happens.

DH has told a few more of his mates about what's going on and he has also told his mum. I am impressed that he wanted to tell his mates...I mean it's not exactly something guys would easily bring up in conversation! He is yet to tell his best mate though as he is overseas but due back anyway now so I suppose DH wants to do it in person. I was a little apprehensive that he had told his mum though...cos usually anything you say to her goes straight to the SIL. But I suppose it's only fair seeming my parents and sister know.

I am actually glad I wasn't around when he told his mum as when he mentioned IVF she said 'oh you can't just jump straight into that' and started asking DH if we had seen a specialist. Seriously!!!!!!!!!! As if you would want to jump straight into IVF if you didn't have to!!!!!!!! Grrrrrr!! What are we-idiots?!? I would have jumped down her throat about her comments if I was there! I mean come on...we have spent almost 15 months on this...it's not like we just decided yesterday!! GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, sorry...MIL rant over!

Christmas is my new worry. I have come to the conclusion that it's going to be depressing this year (as last year I expected to be pregnant or have our baby by Christmas this year) and I don't think I can handle the big family get together with all the relatives including my cousins with their kids (and possibly SIL with her baby). It's just too hard. DH and I are throwing the idea around of going away for Christmas. Not sure where but the idea excites me and makes me feel I could get through the holiday season without too many tears.

Not too sure how the families will react but really if they want to pick fights I am more than happy to bring my crazy emotions out to play and take them on!!


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Location:At work

Day 25- 5 Things I Would Want On a Desert Island

Ok..down to the last 5 days! Trying very hard not to be so slack but life keeps getting in the way!!!

What would I want on a desert island? Hmmmmm...

1. Food and water supply...I don't want to starve!!

2. iPod/some form of music so I don't go insane!

3. Hammock...somewhere comfy to chill out and relax!

4. Big pile of books to read.

5. My DH to keep me company and to do all the 'boy stuff' like make fire! Hahaha!

If I had all that I think I would be quite happy on that island for awhile!


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Day 24-Something I Can't Believe I Used To Like

Ok, so I am going to reveal something very embarassing right now. Looking back on this phase of my life makes me cringe! I cannot believe my taste was so poor.

What is it, you ask???

Well....

I used to like.....





HANSON!!!


-cue hysterical laughter-

Yup, I was one of those teenage girls who was in love with those brothers (who I actually thought were girls when I first saw a photo!). In particular I was obsessed (much to the horror of my poor parents ears) with their hit song 'Mmm Bop'. C'mon admit it...you know the words! And if you don't or if your subconscience has blocked it out, then here it is...for your listening and viewing pleasure!!




I'm not sure whether it was their catchy tunes or their cute faces...but Hanson remained a favourite for at least my entire grade 8 (and maybe part of grade 9) life. I wasn't alone. I had several friends who also thought the Hanson brothers (Taylor in particular if you must know) were super cute and could not get their lyrics out of their heads. I had Hanson posters plastering my walls (along with JTT but that's another obsession!) and bought their album 'Middle of Nowhere'. 

As all obsessions do, this one faded (thank goodness) and my good taste in music was restored. I think I tried to palm off the album and posters onto my little sister and she held onto them for a short time before also realising that Hanson wasn't cool anymore...and they really were just a bunch of weird looking brothers with girly voices. 

So now you know my deep dark secret...I was a Hanson lover!  

Day 23-My Childhood

Ok...on the downward stretch of my very extended 30 days of blogging!

My childhood

I had a pretty good childhood as far as they come. Though if you had of asked me growing up I am sure I would have told you how crap it was and how hard done by I was! But honestly I had a good life!

My memories of childhood are happy ones. Some that stand out to me as I think right now..

-my mum taking me horse riding for my 10th birthday
-going on the scary roller coaster with dad at DreamWorld. I was so excited to finally be tall enough!
-settling down to watch movies and dad making us popcorn
-baking my first cake with mum for my girl guide ceremony
-my first girl guide camp
-my first school camp
-birthday parties in the backyard
-finding a trampoline in the backyard one Christmas morning (wow how awesome is Santa!!)
-spending school holidays at my grandparents house
-our one and only family holiday one Summer (it rained for almost the whole trip)
-flying kites at the park
-trying out my first pair of rollerblades (in the kitchen coz I was scared of falling down!)
-camping in the backyard
-getting our first puppy (he ran in and pooped on my bedroom floor!!)
-being a flower girl when I was 7
-spending time with my 9 cousins and taking over the playground!
-family picnics
-riding my bike for the first time without training wheels (I rode into a tree)
-breaking my foot
-waterslides in the summer time
-water balloon fights with my sister
-playing barbies
-the day our first dog had to be put down
-playing catch and kiss at school
-learning to skip
-being considered old enough to go to the corner shop by myself (woohoo!!)
-riding bikes up and down the street

These Days

CD1. Cycle 17 of TTC. 
How many more months will I have to count until I see those 2 lines?!?!

I don't have much to say. I really don't know what to say. I'm numb. If IVF is our only answer then it will be MONTHS before we have $10 000 saved for that. There's no way round it. It's heart breaking, but what can you do? We aren't able to conceive without the help of experts and with that comes a hefty price. 

Times like these I wish I was a super fertile. 

Went to a music festival last night. Powderfinger headlined as part of their farewell tour. It was wet and muddy but that didn't stop about 8000 people turning up. 

They played a song 'These Days' which I love. It's an oldie, but a goodie. Lyrics are kind of appropriate...enjoy.

Day 22- My Top 10 Favourite Movies

Movies...I love movies. I think I have mentioned that DH and I have a giant DVD collection already. Picking just 10 favourites is going to be very hard though!

1. 'The Little Mermaid'-love Disney but this one in particular has been my favourite since it first came out when I was in grade 2. I know all the words to the songs and have even made DH sit and watch it with me!

2. 'The Sound of Music'-all time classic and a movie I have watched over and over again.

3. 'Grease'- geez anyone would think I like musicals...LOL. Who can resist the love story of Danny and Sandy?!?

4. 'Big Daddy'- love Adam Sandler movies and it's hard to just pick one. This makes me laugh so much...

5. 'PS I Love You'- ultimate girly flick and sweet love story. Always a tear jerker for me too.

6. 'The Hangover'- hilarious...so many great lines in this movie. We saw it at the cinema when it first came out and I don't think I have ever laughed so hard!!

7. 'Little Miss Sunshine'- kooky and funny...dare I call it a feel good movie?!? Always love watching something a little bit out there.

8. 'Life Is Beautiful'-I think this movie evokes every single emotion in me every time I watch it. I also cry every time.

9. 'The Castle'-couldn't write this list and not include an Australian movie on it! Toss up between this and 'Muriels Wedding'. Both hilarious.

10. 'Saw'- love horror movies and when this came out it was so different from all the usual slasher films. I will admit that they have ruined it by continuing the series into Saw 7 or whatever ridiculous number they are up to now!!!


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Smile

Day 21- Top 10 Gadgets I Use

This is probably going to be the longest, most drawn out 30 days of blogging ever! But I am trying..you have to give me that!

Today I am writing about gadgets. DH loves gadgets and always wants to buy new 'toys'. I am sorta joined him in this addiction....and enjoy all the cool stuff he gets us!

So my top 10...though they are in no particular order-I love them all!


1. iPhone-ever since I DH got his iPhone, I wanted one! Then I got my own and I wondered how on earth I lived without it!! I am ADDICTED! It is almost always in my hand (so sad I know). I love that the internet is at my fingertips. I can blog and check Facebook where ever I go. I can google things in a instant without being at the computer...and the games...endless hours of time wasting!!


2. Sat Nav-again DH bought one of these when he was working down south and was driving around a lot. I then borrowed it from him (and by borrowed I mean stole) as I was working in the city at the time and did a lot of home visits with my clients and was always getting lost! To cut it short, he never got his sat nav back and had to buy a new one...which I then aquisitioned and gave him the old one back!!! So much easier then pulling out the maps!


3. Digital Cameras-does this really need an explanation?!?! Who needs film when you have memory cards? To be able to look at a photo as soon as you take it is just awesome. We have 2. A trusty little Canon point and shoot type and my good old Olympus digital SLR with a couple of different lenses to boot! 


4. External Hard Drive-awesome for storing my gazillions of photos, music and movies! DH has one full of movies and music so he isn't bored while away for work. 


5. Soda Stream- At the moment this is my novelty gadget! DH and I bought the soda stream a couple of months ago in a fit of nostelgia for the good old days. By the way...it still makes delicious drinks in a variety of awesome flavours! 


6. Wi-Fi Internet-Well it's technically not a gadget but my router that makes my broad band wi-fi is! Gotta love being able to sit anywhere in the house on my laptop or phone and surf the net! Sure beats the days of dial up!!!!!!


7. food processor-ok not quite as high tech as other gadgets on the list, but I am very pleased with my food processor. It can do everything! It's a blender, juicer, processor and chopper. I can make fries or grate cheese or slice potatoes. It's a jack of all trades and very handy in the kitchen.


8. DVD player-Coz I love watching movies and DVD's kick VCR's butts!


9. Car blue tooth- we had this installed when we bought a new car. Love it! Can talk on the go without being fined by the cops. Calls come through my cars stereo system loud and clear. 


10. Auto Head lights-Another car one which I love.No more forgetting to turn my lights off and getting a flat battery (yes this happened to me at least twice). Also got this installed when we got my new car a couple of years ago. DH actually installed it as he was working at the car dealership at the time (before he headed into the mining trade) and even fixed it so that my car lights will stay on for about 10 seconds after I get out and lock the car so that I can find my house keys or whatever! So thoughtful!

Off the rails..

So just when I thought we were back on track....more bad news. Possibly the worst news I have had since embarking on this journey.

I got a call from one of the nurses at the IVF clinic this morning. In response to my email plus she had some new information for me.

The freezing of DHs sperm has not gone well. Sample was ok to start..not fantastic but workable. This has gotten worse since the freezing process and we now have what they call a low motility sample which cannot be used for IUI. Infact it is only suitable for IVF or ICSI.

BAM!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT!!!!!!

The nurse went into brief detail then got the scientist on the phone to explain in further detail. I was too numb to ask many questions though. Then the nurse got back on the phone and explained the what now.

Basically we can try another sample and get it frozen to see if results improve. Another $315 and no guarantee.

We can still do IUI if we can use a fresh sample. However, chances of DH being home at the right time of month for this do not look good...I counted up to January and it didn't seem like it would coordinate at all. I didn't bother counting any further.

If we wish to progress to IVF then this needs to be discussed further with our FS. I explained that my next appointment wasn't until the 28th so the lovely nurse rang up and got me a spot on the 15th-next Friday.

The nurse also said we can come in for a session with them and they can explain IVF and ICSI. You know the procedure, costs etc.

She left it at this and said I should talk it over with DH and let them know if I want the appointment with them soon so I can at least gather more information before I see the FS.

I am shell shocked. I was at work when this call came through and I managed to hold it together despite feeling like I wanted to faint and vomit simultaneously. I was going to leave work but figured it's better for me to be here and stay calm, rather then go home and cry myself into hysterics.

I have not called DH. I know I will burst into tears as soon as I get him on the line so figure it's best to wait until tonight. I don't want to break down at work and have to answer questions. I have put on my happy facade and no one is any wiser to how I feel inside.

I can't believe this is happening. It doesn't feel real. It feels like a sick joke or a bad dream...a nightmare.

The worst part (well one of) is that I can't even brush this off with the optimism that I could be pregnant now. You know the usual 'well I might get my BFP this cycle and we won't even have to worry about all this' type attitude. I can't even cling to a sliver of hope...there is no chance I am pregnant. My period is just around the corner and seems this will be the case for a long time yet.

Giving up this baby dream seems like a good idea but to be honest this would break my heart. The thought of taking a break while we save the funds or wait until we can try a fresh sample for IUI makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot even begin to imagine how heart breaking it would be to spend $10000 on IVF and get a negative result.

There are no good choices. There is no fast track.
Whatever we do now will involve a long and tedious wait until we can try to conceive a baby. And once again there are no guarantees, no promise of a baby at the end no matter how much money we spend.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Be quiet!!!!

I want my brain to switch off so I can go to sleep, but it's being annoyingly loud.

I could cry...and probably will.

Why is it that night time is when everything seems so unbearably hard?? A million things are running through my head and it is so completely overwhelming that I don't want to be in my own head right now.

My heart is racing, my stomachs in knots and I feel sick (though not sure if that's stress or metformin related). I feel so anxious and on edge. I'm really not all that surprised that I can't sleep.

I can't seem to calm myself down or relax. I have felt edgy all evening and couldn't settle down. I don't know if it's because DH has gone back to work or if it's because I go back to work tomorrow. I don't know. I just have this horrible feeling and everything is piling up on me and I don't know what to do or where to start. And some of this stuff isn't even important or something I need to stress over. I feel like an idiot.

I sent an email to my IVF nurse this evening asking a few questions and now I am anxious over her response.

I am slightly freaking out over extending our mortgage so we can get DH a new car. Even though I know we can afford it and it won't be a strain on finances.

I am very much freaking out about hosting my friends hens night here at home. When I volunteered my place I really didn't think about all the work involved...but the invites have been sent so I can't back out now. I know it will be fine on the night, but I can't help feeling anxious over the work ahead!

Uni. Where do I begin?!? I can't do it. I can't sit down and concentrate. I can't get assignments in on time. I can't focus to study for my exam. I need to figure out if I can withdraw at this late stage without incurring fail grades. I feel like I have failed myself. I shouldn't have put this added pressure on myself at this time. Stupid.

A concert I bought tickets for ages ago hoping DH would be home for. Well guess what? It's this weekend and DH will be at work. Now I have an extra ticket and am struggling to find someone to take the extra ticket. Now I feel like not going...but then it's just a waste of money.

DH's sperm analysis. We took it in today. I am desperately hoping no sperm anti bodies are found otherwise I will seriously have to consider that I will not be getting pregnant this year and TTC via IVF will be something looked at in the new year once funds have been saved.

This is the biggie.

Giving up TTC does not sit well with me. Infact having to put off having a baby because we have no other choice but to pay $10000 for the privilege hurts like hell. Especially when so many people don't have to spend anything to get UTD. Hell even having to pay what we've paid doesn't seem fair sometimes. Why can't it happen naturally for us?? Why do we have to go through all this pain and suffering?? Why do we have to wait and wait and wait??

I know there are no good answers. Only crappy ones about it 'not being our time yet' or 'it's a challenge to make you stronger'.

Sure it's making me stronger...I am much more equipped for failure and disappointment then the average woman. Our relationship is stronger too. I mean how many men are willing to ejaculate into a cup more than once?!? DH has done it 3 times now and twice in a week!! That's love and dedication if I ever saw it.

But I still don't see a good purpose for what seems like an endless stream of disappointments and heartaches. Surely enough is enough?!? Or perhaps it's only just starting 14 months in? What if the worst is yet to come? I don't even want to think of it.

I just feel like I am slipping further and further behind. So many of my original TTC support crew are quickly approaching their due dates and I am still yet to conceive. When they got their BFPs all those months ago I never thought I would be this far behind them and still waiting for my 2 lines to appear.

Even those like Nani and GS who are only recent BFPers are quickly moving away from me. Nani past the 12 week milestone and GS not far behind her. I figured this would be the case though. By this stage of the game I was not expecting a miracle and knew not to get my hopes up that I could share a pregnancy journey closely with these two amazing women.

Please don't get me wrong. I am happy for all these ladies that have got to experience the joy of seeing those elusive 2 lines. Even happier that some of them will be meeting their little ones in a few short weeks. I am merely reflecting on MY journey and how not one second of it has happened how I expected or wanted it to. When we started on this journey back in August 2009 I could never have imagined still being here 14 months down the track. Not even in my wildest dreams. You start out optimistic and hope for the best...charged with positive vibes of those getting positive news around you. Each month you grow less and less hopeful, lest you get your hopes up for no reason.

And then you wind up here. With words like IUI and IVF being thrown about. And your positivity dies a little bit more. And you wonder just how much longer this nightmare will last before you get the miracle you have been waiting so long for. The miracle you've dreamed about and cried about for so long.

And all I can do is hope that it's worth it. That the amazing high of seeing those 2 lines then knowing that there is a baby growing inside me...that it's enough to blur the pain of this nightmare. That holding our baby in our arms will more than make up for everything we have gone through to make it there.







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:My bed

Day 20-Fifty Things About Me

Been saving this for a day when I have plenty of time...so here it is- 50 things about me. Some you may know, but I hope you might learn something new (and hopefully interesting) about me!

1. I am a Scorpio.
2. I have one younger sister.
3. My favourite band is the Foo Fighters.
4. I am a bookworm. 
5. I met my DH 2 weeks after I turned 18.
6. I am the first person in my family to go to university.
7. My first job was working in a bakery.
8. During my first year of university I worked nights as a waitress in an Indian restaurant.
9. I have a large collection of board games.
10. DH and I own over 500 DVDs.
11. I have emetophobia.
12. My favourite movie growing up was 'The Sound of Music'. It's still one of my favourites to this day!
13. I saw a boy chop his finger off while trying to get money out of a drain when I was 8 years old. 
14. My mum is one of my best friends.
15. I broke my foot stepping off a bed when I was 10 years old and was on crutches for 6 weeks.
16. Growing up I wanted to be an actress and I joined an amatuer theatre group when I was 10.
17. I was in the girl guides from age 8-10 years and even became leader of my pack!! I had a sash full of badges too!
18. My favourite toys were my barbie dolls when I was little. I had a massive collection and a suitcase full of clothes for them all. 
19. I used to enter competitions (stuff in the paper, colouring competitions etc) growing up and won so much stuff! CD's, movie tickets, doll house, a tent, year supply of Aeroplane Jelly, chocolate, a cordless drill for my dad...I used to be really lucky!!
20. I used to keep journals through my teenage years. They were full of agnst and unrequited love...I re-read them all a few years ago and was so embarassed by the contents that I destroyed the lot!
21. The saddest day of my life (to date) was the day my pop died. 
22. When I moved out of home I survived on icy poles and vegemite toast...oh and caffine!
23. My first 'real' boyfriend was when I was 17. He was 24. My parents were not impressed.
24. That boyfriend dumped me in a letter. He wasn't man enough to tell me in person. 
25. My first 'boyfriend' was a little boy called James. We were in grade 1 and held hands. He died of leukemia before he could finish the first grade...
26. We had a pet cat when I was little. She was mean and whenever you would try to pat her, she would scratch you. As a result, I am not a cat person.
27. My first time on a plane was when I was 16. We went on a school trip to Canberra.
28. I do not eat fish or seafood.
29. My favourite food is mexican.
30. I am a chocoholic!
31. I have one tattoo..but would like a few more.
32. When I was 17 I got my nipple pierced...and ended up in hospital!
33. My favourite books are the 'Tomorrow When The War Began' series by John Marsden. I have read them over and over again.
34. My first car cost only $500.
35. I didn't get my drivers license until I was almost 19...slacker! 
36. I can drive a manual...and infact I have only ever had manual cars!
37. I cannot reverse park!
38. I burst into song at random moments...in the shower, doing the dishes, cooking, lying on the couch...It drives my DH insane. Especially when I start doing dance moves as well...LOL
39. I was scared of ET (yes that cute little alien) when I was a little girl. He gave me nightmares for months and I couldn't sleep without my bedside light on. 
40. I can ride a motorbike...not well.
41. I am learning how to shoot a gun (will get more practice once DH gets his license and he can take me up to the shooting range).
42. I collected stamps growing up...can you say geek?!?! 
43. I suffered from depression when I was 17/18. It was the worst year of my life. 
44. When I worked as a youth worker I was biten and spat on by one of the children I worked with. This was not a good day! 
45. My favourite job (to date) was being a youth worker and working in the residential. I loved working with the kids and seeing them progress...even if it was only baby steps! 
46. I have never donated blood...but I want to (just chicken). 
47. One time I got very drunk and ended up being taken for a ride in a police car to my friends house. Definitely not my finest hour...but technically I hadn't done anything wrong!
48. I was so nervous walking up the aisle on my wedding day with my dad that I almost cried. The only way I could stop myself wasto grit my teeth and not look at anyone...which is why the photos taken early in the ceremony do not seem like I am enjoying the happiest day of my life!
49. I spent hours and hours as a teenager in chat rooms and used to stay up to all hours of the morning talking to my 'friends'. I was always amazed at how bitchy chatrooms could get.
50. With my first pay from my first job I bought myself a very cool pair of bright red Reeboks! I was so proud...

Day 19-My Worst Habit

I am very cruel to my fingers. 

Not only do I bite my nails, but I also chew the skin around my nails until I bleed. 

Why?!?!

I really have no idea! It's a cross between a boredom thing and an anxious thing...I think.

My DH hates it. Whenever he catches me doing it he grabs my hands away from my mouth. He has told me over and over again how gross it is and how much nicer my hands would look if I stopped doing it..but I can't seem to stop!

I have tried that gross tasting stuff that you put on your nails but that still didn't deter me...or maybe I just stopped putting it on coz I hated the taste! I go through phases of not doing it and my hands start to look nice again...but then I get bored or anxious and I start all over again. 

Right now my nails look good and are growing nicely (thank you vitamins!!) but the skin around each nail is awful. My thumbs seem to cop it the worst too...they almost always look sore and bloody.

I can't figure out a way to stop myself. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!!

here we go again

FS appointment yesterday was a waste of time. The locum gave me her professional opinion (she doesn't think my PCOS is severe enough to warrant drilling) but she wants me to discuss it with my regular FS and let him make the decision as I am his patient. I have decided that I dislike her even more than my current FS as she made a comment about me being young and having plenty of time to have a baby. She also made comment that she didn't think I should be on medication and that if I was patient that I would fall pregnant naturally!!! Grrrrr!!! Way to fire a TTCer up! 

I couldn't get in to see my FS until the 28th of October (my birthday..wow what a way to pass the day!!) so I guess I will see what he has to say about it all then. In the mean time we will go ahead with the first round of IUI and hope that we won't even need to think about drilling as perhaps I will fall first try!

So we rocked up to the IVF clinic this morning to drop off DH's sample for freezing. All seemed ok but the receptionist wanted to check with the staff to see if we needed to sign anything else etc. She came back with one of the scientists who proceeded to tell us that when DH had his SA done back at the beginning of the year it was not checked for sperm antibodies....(cue frustrated noises) She was happy to take the sample we had bought in and freeze it in preparation for our IUI...BUT wants DH to do another SA very soon to check for these antibodies. Gave us all the paperwork and the cup and then told us that if the results come back saying there are antibodies then we will not be able to do IUI and will have to go straight to IVF (I think my jaw may have dropped open by this point...). 

All of this is well and good...but WHY THE F%&$ wasn't this checked sooner?!?!?!?!! Why didn't DH's GP get it checked...or why didn't my FS notice that this wasn't done when he looked at DH's results and gave him the all clear?!?!?!?!?!!

Right now I am feeling that every doctor we have seen in regard to TTC has f%&$ed us over in some way. Everything that has happened the way it's happened has delayed us being able to have a baby.  

So now we have to squeeze in another SA before DH goes back to work...poor DH is not getting much action while he is home and is NOT impressed!! But to his credit he is not complaining too much and is willing to go along with all this. Then we hope and pray that there are no antibodies and we can give IUI a try next month. If it turns out IUI is a no go then I think we won't be able to start straight away...money will be the issue and having to be able to fork out abour $10 000 up front will prove a problem. 

Plus we have the added issue of DH's car deciding to die the day he got home. Lovely. The gear box has shit itself and because it's a 4WD it would cost a bundle to replace/repair. Even though DH is a mechanic and could do the work himself. So at present we are taking to our mortgage broker and seeing if we can extend our loan so we can buy DH a new car. We have been debating this for the past year as he drives a 1994 that has been good to us, but has seen better days! It's all looking positive that we can get the extra money though which is great. But it couldn't have come at a worse time!!!!! 


I don't know how I feel about all this...the chance that we may not be able to do IUI has shocked me. DH and I haven't even talked about it since we walked out of the clinic, except to discuss when he would do his SA. I guess I should have expected another set back...it always seems to be the way for us...perhaps it's the universes way of telling us we should not procreate?!?! Who knows...


Well I'm going to try and enjoy the rest of our weekend together. We have been in and out for most of today. Spent up big at Bunnings on stuff for the house. We even got a feijoa tree and some passionfruit vines! Hopefully we get some fruit off them all!!! Not much else planned. DH is off fishing tonight, and on Sunday a catch up with friends for the footy grand final.