Day 18- Where I Live

I live in the suburbs I suppose you would say. A suburb in a large coastal town in sunny Queensland, Australia.

I actually grew up in this suburb and when DH and I decided to buy a house it was at the top of my list!!!

So what's so great about it you ask?

-quiet
-green (lots of trees and parks)
-friendly community feel
-lots of great schools close by (for our future kiddies)
-major shopping centre only 10 minutes drive away
-and best of all some of the best beaches in Australia are within 10-20 minutes drive!!!!!!!!

I love the beach and living in a coastal town is way more relaxed than living in the city. I lived in the city when I finished school (the closest major city being a hours drive from our suburb). It's noisy, busy and everyone is in a hurry! So not me...plus there are no decent beaches in sight (and I am most definitely a beach girl!).

We lucked out and found an amazing house within our price range in this suburb. We are on a 1700 square metre block surrounded by bush/rainforest. You cannot see our neighbors houses so the privacy is wonderful. It's in a quiet street and our own little paradise.

The house itself is about 20 years old but in good condition. It's spread over 3 levels with 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, study, 2 living areas, kitchen/dining and laundry. Lower level has a massive outdoor area on a deck and there is a sizable front deck/porch as well! Combine that with 2 sheds for DH to keep all his tools, camping gear and motor bikes and we are a very happy couple!!!

Another draw to buying here is that my parents live less than 5 minutes away which is a comfort to me when DH is away. Infact the majority of my extended family live in this coastal town which means we all see each other regularly!

To be perfectly honest I would be quite happy living in this house forever. I hate moving and to me we have found what is almost our dream home. I am convincing DH but he wants to do some renos before he decides! We have big plans for improvements to be made (there's a list of them on our fridge) but it all costs money and the baby thing seems to have taken a front seat for now (which doesn't phase me of course!!).

So there you go...a bit of an idea of where I live!

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Day 17- A Photo I Took

I took this back in 2006 when DH and I did our road trip around New Zealand. We spent a month in a campervan driving around both the north and south islands. It was my first time to NZ and my first time meeting some of DH's relatives. We had an awesome time.

I took this picture when we arrived at Lake Taupo. We stopped at the look out at the top of the town to take some photos. The sun was setting and I guess it was a matter of great timing! I only took maybe 3 photos as it was absolutely freezing (did I mention we went in the middle of winter?! And it turned out to be the coldest winter in like 100 years...and the biggest snow fall too!) and the wind was blowing a gale! All I wanted to do was get back in the van, crank the heater and figure out where we were going to stay that night!

I love photography and could put up a million photos that I have taken (and love) but this is probably in my top 10! I actually started out studying photography when I first finished school. I got accepted into an arts university based on my photography portfolio and did about 6 months of the degree..however I decided that although I love photography I would rather keep it as a hobby and not make it my career. Besides I was only 17...and its quite hard to know what you want to do with your life at that age!

So there you have it..a photo I took that I am very proud of!

some good news for once!

DH is coming home tomorrow!!! No 3 week stint for him thank goodness!!! I am so excited and relieved as this means he can get all his BT's done and we can take his sperm into be frozen....which means we will be all set for our first IUI next month (unless something else happens that stuffs up everything totally)!

I called the IVF clinic today and arranged to drop off his sample on Friday morning. Figure it's better to do it on a day I don't work incase he is too shy to take it in himself (which is what happened when he had his SA done!). 

I have my FS appointment on Thursday afternoon so I will then know whether or not drilling is the next step to combat the PCOS. If it is I am hoping they can do it before next cycle...so it gives us a bit of an extra chance at conceiving first round on IUI...

Not much else happening. Picked my parents up from the airport today. They have been over in Thailand for the past 2 weeks. Great to see them home...and they bought lots of pressies!! It's almost like christmas time when they come back from a trip...my mum always thinks of us when she is away and brings us lots of lovely things.

Day 16-Things That Annoy Me

-people who don't turn their mobile phones off in the cinema
-people who answer their phones while being served at a shop
-bad drivers
-dirty dishes left in the sink
-selfishness
-people who jump queues
-ironing (I never seem to be able to get all the creases out)
-telemarketers who call right on dinner time
-having bad/no mobile phone reception
-running late
-not being able to find a carpark
-running into furniture in the dark
-hiccups
-salt water up the nose
-waking up 10 minutes BEFORE the alarm is due to go off
-not being able to sleep in on my days off
-my dog (not always..just sometimes..when he is being a brat)
-manners not being used (not hard to say please and thank you)

Hrmm...I could go on all night, but will stop here!!

Day 15- Music

So today I am going to write about music...well more specifically I am going to write about a definative album for me in each decade I've been alive!

Sooo...here we go!

1980's-Not that I really remember much of the 80's given I was only born in '84...I don't have an entire album, just a song. 'Walk Like An Egyptian' by The Bangles. Apparantly this was my favourite song when I was a tot and I used to try and do the egyptian style dance to go with it. I was abit of a cutie (according to my mum anyways). I must say I still love that song now!!!

1990's-Gee it's hard to name just one album. This was when I really started to develop my own musical tastes rather then just listening to what my parents had. My favourite band growing up was actually an Australian all girl band (they were like the original Spice Girls) called Girlfriend. I thought they were awesome. They only released 2 albums-'Make It Come True' & 'It's Up To You' which I had on tape. I used to listen to them constantly and knew all the words!!! Late 90's (by the time I had grown out of Girlfriend) the album of choice would have been 'Version 2.0' by Garbage.

2000-Hrmmm...my music tastes changed slightly in this decade! Probably the album that stands out to me is 'There Is Nothing Left To Lose' by The Foofighters (who are my favourite band). This was an album I bought for one song ('Next Year') but ended up loving the whole album...and listened to it over and over again.

2010-Since this next decade has only just started...I can't pick an album yet! Haha...ask me in 10 years time!

baby clothes...

My PCOS is confirmed from my u/s that was done the other day. I have an appointment next Thursday with the locum FS to discuss the results further. Hoping they can tell me whether I need to have ovarian drilling done or not. I am willing to try anything if it gives us a better chance at conceiving, even if it means having someone burn holes in my ovaries!!

I had my blood tests done today too. 4 vials of blood, and have to go back Monday to give more as the lady who took my blood didn't realise that one of the tests I need is only done on Mondays and Thursdays. I wish she had of realised this before I gave her all my blood!! Oh well. At least that's me almost done...

Still no word on what's happening with DH's roster. I am desperately hoping that he can come home Tuesday. We can get his spermies frozen, he can do his blood tests and then we will be all ready to rock and roll next month! Well that's the plan in my head...we'll see if it works out that way!!!

Busy day of errands today plus some shopping. I forced myself to look at baby stuff (very hard at first..was walking through the aisles trying to hold back tears) and then forced myself to buy SIL a baby shower present.

-cue gasps and shocked faces-

I bought the evil SIL a present...why? Well I figure I am in the dog house for saying no to going to the shower (yes I said no...MIL harassed me about it earlier in the week and all I said was I couldn't make it) and she is probably ready to bitch to DH about how awful I am (plus anyone else who will listen). So I figure that if I still get her a shower present, then I look like a nice person (which I swear I am generally...except when it comes to my SIL). I really got into the spirit of things and as she is having a girl, it was easy to pick out lots of cute, pink things. Sooo....I ended up with a couple of cute little outfits, some bibs, a pair of Bonds babytails (soooo cute), a rattle, 2 pairs of tiny weeny socks, a little elephant soft toy/blankety thing, a hanging toy for the pram and some baby body products.

Think I may have gone a tad overboard...but I figure if I can't buy baby stuff for myself...then I can go crazy and buy it for everyone else I know that's having babies!!! It's almost as good as buying it for my own bubba....but not quite. I am going to post it to her (as I still don't really want to see her) but at least it makes me look like I am being nice and doing the right thing. I figure once the baby's born we can buy some more little things and a mummy present for her....(because she will expect a 2nd present once the baby's born...I'm sure of it).

Can I just say...there are way too many cute baby clothes around! Seriously...it was so hard to stick to just 1 or 2 outfits. I could have spent a small fortune! I don't know how I will ever be able to control myself once our bubba decides to join us....I will always want to be shopping for him/her.

I am very proud of myself for not bursting into tears during this shopping expedition. And even when I brought it all home and wrapped it up I stayed super strong. Progress!

Catching up with Nani and Green Sprout tomorrow. I am very excited as I haven't seen either of them since they got their much waited for BFPs! Looking forward to a lovely afternoon with the 2 of them, and so grateful that they are making the trek up (yes Nani you were right-it's up) to see me.  

Day 14-A Photo From My Childhood

Me-2 years old!

On my awesome tire swing that my uncle made for me as a 1st birthday gift. I loved that swing. It moved house with us and everything..

You can see my chubby cheeks I mentioned in a previous post...they are still just as chubby 24 years later..embarassing!!!

I wish I could go back to childhood. So carefree. No worries. Everything is awesome and fun.

Day 13- All About Us

Kinda cheating a little with this topic!! Saw this posted on a few fellow bloggers pages today and figured it was good enough for day 13!!

All About "Us"


1. When is your “engagement” anniversary: 9th March 2005


2. When is your “marriage” anniversary: 14th April 2007


3. How long have you known your spouse: coming up to 8 years (met 15th November 2002)

4. How long did you date/court before you were engaged: almost 1.5 years


5. Where did you meet your spouse for the first time: weirdly enough...at his house; my friend's boyfriend was living with DH at the time..and we went round there one night before we hit the town

6. What is your spouse’s full name: A.R.D

7. Do you have any children: unfortunately no...however DH always refers to our dog as our 'baby'

8. How many – boys/girls: he's a boy dog...

9. Do you have any house pets: pet/baby

10. Do you own a house or rent: Own...well bank owns most but we're working on it!

11. Do you live in the country or town/city: town

12. What is one of your favorite activities together: watching DVD's on the couch, hitting the beach



13. Do you have a favorite vacation spot: Fiji (well until we go somewhere that we might think is better!!)


14. When did you first kiss: the night we met...ooooo naughty!!

15. What church do you attend: no church


16. Is this the church you were married in: we were married in a park


17. What town is your current address at: Queensland, Australia

18. Do you work or stay at home: work 3 days a week + study part time
19. Where did you go on your honeymoon: the holiday we just had in Fiji was like a very, very belated honeymoon! Better late than never!!
20. What was the funniest gift you gave when dating: ummm...a karma sutra book

21. How long have you been together: almost 8 years (I swear I already answered that one!!)


22. How long did you know each other before you started dating: we pretty much started dating the day after we met!

23. Who asked who out: I think he asked for my number...but we ended up spending about 48 hours together straight up



24. How old are each of you: He is 26...I am 25 (but only a few months off 26); we are about 9 months apart in age

25. Where do each of you go to school: I am doing uni via distance education online


26. Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple: before TTC it was the issues with his sister; but now it's definitely TTC/infertility..oh and him working away from home



27. Did you go to the same school: we went to the same highschool, were in the same grade, had many mutual friends but did not know each other at all!! Did not meet until a year after school finished.



28. Are you from the same home town: Nope, not even the same country...I'm an Aussie and he is a Kiwi!!!!



29. Who is smarter: I am probably more booksmart...but he is way smarter when it comes to technical stuff.




30. Who is more sensitive: definitely me...


31. Where do you eat out most as a couple: my fave mexican restaurant or a thai place that's just down the road from home


32. Where is the farthest you two have traveled together as a couple: Fiji


33. Who has the craziest exes: him, for sure!!! His g/f before me used to give me dirty looks whenever she saw me (and they had been broken up for almost a year before I met him!!!)


34. Who has the worse temper: I blow a fuse quicker, but he can be just as angry...so we are pretty even!


35. Who does the cooking: me...but most of the time he isn't home
36. Who is more social: he is way more social than me...I am quite happy to sit at home with a good book, but he would rather be out with his mates


37. Who is the neat-freak: me..though I have trained him to be a lot neater then when we first met!!


38. Who is more stubborn: both as stubborn as each other..though maybe I am a smidge more! I guess it depends on the issue.


39. Who hogs the bed: the dog!!

40. Who wakes up earlier: he is up at 4:30am when at work...but when he is home I am up earlier than him so I can go to work


41. Where was your first date: well the night we met we went to a local night club but that was with friends...on our first date by ourselves we went for a cruise in his car (I was very impressed that he drove as I didn't have my license yet!!!)


42. Who had more boyfriends/girlfriends: him-hands down


43. Do you get flowers often: I can count on one hand the number of times he has bought me flowers in 8 years!

44. How do you spend the holidays: usually do breakfast with my immediate family, lunch with his (though I tend to avoid this these days) and then dinner with my extended family.


45. Who is more jealous: I think both of us are past the stage of jealousy but it would probably be me anyway


46. How long did it take to get serious: not long at all...'I love you' was said by him about a month in, closely followed by looking at engagement rings but he bided his time and waited for the right time to propose!


47. Who eats more: depends what we are eating!


48. Who does the laundry: me mostly, though he does help out when he is home


49. Who’s better with the computer: pretty evenly matched...though he knows more about the complicated stuff

50. Leave a piece of advice for the other couples: never go to sleep on an argument..always best to clear the air if you can

Just great..

Spoke to DH earlier. He might have to work a 3 week stint this time round...

Great timing...so possibly might miss another cycle.

Why can't something go right for once?!!?

Called my FS to find out about my u/s report. Turns out he is on holidays..but the receptionist is going to get the locus to take a look and give me a call tomorrow. So I suppose even if I need the drilling done it won't be until my FS returns....grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

I am so sick of the universe screwing me over.


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Day 12- Something I am OCD About

I have often thought I may be slightly OCD..but I think most people are to a slight degree.

My number 1 OCD trait is to do with the volume on stereos, TVs..anything that displays the volume with numbers.

The volume must be displaying an even number..or a multiple of 5. Anything with 1, 3, 7 or 9...I cannot stand!!! My fingers itch to change the volume. DH thinks it's hilarious and purposely sets the volume at numbers I can't stand. It then becomes a fight as I change it and then he changes it back. This can go on for quite some time..especially if we are in the car driving somewhere!

I can't really remember what started this though.

Another thing I do is check my alarm is set before I go to sleep. And I don't just check it once. I check it sometimes at least a dozen times...I literally set the clock, put it down then pick it up again to check it's right. Then I pick it up again, check and put it back down...you get the idea. DH gets really frustrated when I do this especially if I have switched off the lamp and then proceed to turn it on and off again as I check my alarm clock.

This has stemmed from my days of working at a bakery and having to be up and at work at 4:30am to open the shop. I always feared I would sleep in and when all the deliveries would come there would be no one there. It never happened of course..but this is when the obsessive checking of my alarm clock started!!

I could go on and on about OCD type things I do..but these are my main 2 and the ones DH find the strangest. I assure him that it could be much worse!


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In my head

Don't like being inside my head right now. Too many thoughts racing round. Most of them negative.

I still don't think yesterday has sunk in completely. I woke up at 2am and started freaking out about it all. Almost felt like a panic attack. I couldn't breathe.

The thought of doing nothing for this cycle makes me sick. It's such a waste of time. Why couldn't it have worked out in our favour??? It's about time something did.

I will call my FS tomorrow and find out if I need to get the drilling done. If I do, then I want it done ASAP. At least I'll feel slightly productive then.

I don't know how to get through this cycle. I have nothing to focus on. No date, no promise of an IUI cycle. Nothing.

I want out of my head...


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Day 11-What Would You Change About Yourself

Think I am finally back on track with this blogging project! Go me!

What Would I Change About Myself?

First thing that pops into my head is (of course) my ovaries...or perhaps just my whole reproductive system in general. Preferably I would like one that's super fertile...yup that would be awesome.

10 years ago I would have said my hair. It's black, straight and really thick and this drove me mad when I was a teenager as I wanted anything but this!! As I grew older I learnt to love it, especially when hairdressers started commenting on how thick and gorgeous my hair was! But now I really do love my hair.

My cheeks is something else I would change...I have been cursed with chubby cheeks. Now this is all well and good when you are little and it's cute. But as you get older it's kinda embarassing. Especially when you have a year 10 teacher that comments on them (I could have killed him!!!) and then the whole class decides to give you the nickname 'cheeks'. Real nice...Asides from being chubby, they go bright red...not just when I am embarassed but when I am hot or nervous or stressed....ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME! I have to a certain point gotten over my self consciousness about them...but not completely. Some bone structure would be a nice change!

My height has always been another issue...though now I've stopped growing I think I've gotten over the wish to be tall! I'm not overly short...but not overly tall. Just somewhere in between. I am however taller than my mum...and it always amuses me to remind her of this!

Really, I can live with my cheeks and my shortness...I don't really need to change those things about myself...otherwise I wouldn't be me. But I could live without the crap reproductive system that can't do it's job properly...wonder if anyone would trade me?!!

Day 10-a recent home improvement

Still trying hard to get back on top of this project...here's day 10 (late..I know!).

We bought our first home about a year and a half ago now. It's perfectly livable but about 20 years old so needs some TLC. We have BIG plans for this house and a list stuck up on the fridge of all the things we want to do to it. Some are big, some are small...but one day we WILL cross them all off!

One of our first home improvements was our kitchen.

The kitchen in this house was pretty sad. It was 20 years old and totally looked it (unlike most of the house). The stove was retro and something you could no longer buy. The cupboard doors were swollen and wouldn't shut properly and the tiled floor was cracked..everywhere!

Cue us and our first home buyers grant...we couldn't think of a better way to spend some of that money!

In came the kitchen reno guy who drew up some amazing plans...and away we went!

Our job was to rip out the old kitchen. Wow did DH, my dad and one of DH's mates have fun with this!

Then in 2 days the new kitchen was installed!

My favourite part is the down lights installed under the cupboards which shine down on the benches...very cool!

where to begin?!

It's been a full on day. I am so tired. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. Everything that's happened today is swimming around in my head...

Our appointment with the IVF clinic was first thing this morning. We were both nervous and a bit unsure what to expect. I had warned DH that I wanted to press the issue of getting his sperm taken today so we did not have to skip a cycle and he had agreed to back me up.

The nurses were lovely. They were so friendly and tried to put us at ease. I have no qualms about working closely with them through the next part of our journey. They will be kind and understanding.

First went through our TTC history. They had not yet received the letter from my FS so I had to fill them in on what we have been doing and where we are at now. Then talked about our next step (IUI). Nurses explained this procedure in detail and how it all works at the clinic. Next came the costs. And then it was where to from here....

My fear was confirmed. We will not be starting this cycle.

DH and I both need to get BT's done regarding cystic fibrosis and chromosome makeup. As we want to freeze DH's sperm it complicates things and a time needs to be arranged to drop off his deposit. So as DH leaves today and won't be back for a week which will make me CD15...we miss out.

Cost wise...I was shocked. I was underestimating (A LOT).

$300 registration fee (which we paid today; no medicare rebate)
$315 to freeze DH's sperm (no medicare rebate)
$1224 for each IUI cycle (which includes scan, BT's etc; medicare rebate between $499-600 depending if we have passed the safety net..which I doubt we have yet)

Plus these BT's we are getting done are not covered by medicare and will cost us about $100 each.

So there you go....some people get to have babies for free; others have to shell out thousands of dollars. Days like these I wish I was one of the first kind of people....

Sent away with a big folder full of stuff to read. The nurse will be in contact next week and I suppose we go from there.

I managed to keep it together through the whole appointment. I stayed calm. I didn't yell or cry or even beg...I was very proud of myself. Once I got into the car it was a different matter. The floodgates opened and I was a mess. DH pulled up in the carpark at the shopping centre (we were going in to get something to eat) and we must have sat in the car for a good 15-20 minutes while I sobbed my heart out and raged against the unfairness of the universe. DH just let me go...What made it worse was that everytime I looked at him I saw the pain in his eyes...and I would start all over again. My sobs eventually subsided to sniffles and I pulled myself together enough to get some food. I must have looked a fright...blood shot eyes and tear stained face..but I didn't care.

When we got home it was almost time for DH to leave. I held my tears in as I didn't want to make it any harder for him to leave me. I really wish it wasn't his day to go back to work...I don't know how well I will cope these next few days..but I guess I just have to have a glass of cement and deal with it.

My scan was at 1pm. I started drinking my 1 litre of water at 11:30 and by 12pm I was busting and had to pee it all back out...So started over again....and made it to almost 12:30 and had to go again. I am so not good at holding a full bladder!! Decided to leave for my appointment and drink water on the drive down. I got there right on time and felt I would be able to hold it for a few more minutes. Nope...asked the reception if the wait would be long and she said I was next...but if I wanted to go I could pee for 5 seconds to let some out and then stop. I did this...but still felt like I was going to wet my pants! Luckily I was called in.

The ultrasound tech was lovely. She quickly did the external u/s and then let me go pee!!! Came back for the internal (yay my best friend-dildo cam!!) and she was asking why I needed the scan etc etc. I explained my situation and she was so shocked that I had not been sent earlier for a scan to just check things out. Especially instead of sending me for the hycosy procedure. But there you go...just proves that everything has been done back to front for me.

At first she seemed to think that my ovaries didn't indicate PCOS. She said that they were big enough but not enough follicles (has to be more than 10 to confirm PCOS). She decided to get the doctor to come in for a look. Straight away he's like oh yeah see all those follicles on that ovary....apparantly one has a lot more than the others. But it seems that yes, I do indeed have PCOS. How bad? Not sure...to be honest by this stage I was so tired and so upset with everything that I didn't want to ask anything else. So I'm not sure if I will need the drilling done or not.

I plan to call my FS in the next few days so that he has the report and I can find out what he thinks about it. Then  I am not sure if this will interfere with IUI..but I guess we deal with that when/if it happens.

So both my fears were confirmed. There was no good news for us today. I still do not feel any closer to conceiving a baby. I have no start date for our IUI. I don't know what will be done about my ovaries.

I am feeling very lost and alone.

Surely at some point this is all going to get easier?
I mean, isn't it time for some good news or a positive outcome from something?!?!

Right now it just seems like it's hit after hit....I just manage to pick myself up and then I am knocked down again. It's never ending and quite defeating.

Did I mention I am feeling very alone?......

back in the land of the blogging...

Not a lot to report. Just been enjoying spending time with DH.
AF is almost gone-down to spotting. I am so much enjoying my letrozole crazies (please note my sarcasm) and feel like the mood swings have hit me extra hard this month. I am freaking out that this is all in vain and we will not even get a shot at this cycle...I will be very upset if this happens I can tell you! And these people at the IVF clinic will be hearing about it!! I have a horrible feeling that Monday morning will be filled with tears and tantrums...which will become magnified due to the letrozole. Poor DH...I best prepare him for these outcomes!!

I think we are really on the same page about everything at the moment. It's nice. I think it's really hit him hard that this is happening...and there's nothing else we can do but trust the doctor and hope we eventually get some results. The other night we were lying in bed and he whispered to me 'you are going to make the best mummy one day'. I almost cried. He may come across as rough and tough...but deep down he is a big softy. Makes me remember how lucky I am to have him!

I am hoping Monday has some positive outcomes...mainly being that we can freeze DH's spermies then and there so we can go for IUI cycle #1 this month...and the other being that the scan shows my ovaries are not completely cyst ridden. I am hoping and praying that we can have something positive happen.

And before I go...I have been tagged!! Something I was not aware of until today while reading Lauren's blog over at Lauren Vs The World. So now I have to answer some questions that Lauren has written and then when I'm done, I pick some fellow bloggers to tag and give them new questions to answer! Nice and easy.

So here we go..

1) What is your favorite dessert item?

I have a very, very sweet tooth so pretty much any dessert is good...the chocolately the better! One of my very favourites is chocolate cherry ripe cheesecake with tim-tam base. My sister makes it and it is devine!!!



2) What is the craziest thing you've ever done? (Non-baby related)

When I was 17, I got my nipple pierced!!! Such a stupid teenage thing to do and this piercing eventually made me wind up in hospital and I came very close to losing my breast. Lucky for me extremely strong IV drugs were administered to me for the week I was in hospital and fixed me all up.


3) Do you have any pets? If yes, describe. If no, why not?

Just the one...a crazy 1.5 year old staffy x named Jett. He is cheeky and adorable.


4) Did you ever meet your grandparents?

I was blessed to have met both my nanny and pop (on mum's side) and my grandpa (on my dad's side). Sadly both my grandfathers have passed away. My nanny is 83 and I see her regularly. We have a great relationship. I also met my great-grandmother when I was very young (afew years before she passed away) but I don't really remember her.

5) Tell us your favorite joke.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana Who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?!?

(I have a terrible sense of humour!)



6) How will you be celebrating Halloween this year?

No Halloween for us...not really a big thing in Australia. Kinda sucks though coz I love dressing up!!


7) Can you speak any languages other than English?

I studied Japanese from grade 6 through to grade 12. I don't remember everything but still know some. I also know a little bit of Italian. Definitely not enough of either language to call me bi-lingual though.


8) Unicorns. Lame or awesome?

Awesome..but only if they are Charlie the Unicorn and his friends...hehehehehe!'



Ok so I tag....

-Lindsay at 'Waiting for that positive'

-Green Sprout at 'The (baby) Elephant in the bedroom'

-Nani at 'Paranoid and Pregnant'

Your questions are...

1. Favourite time of year and why?
2. Five things you would like to do in your life (but haven't yet).
3. Favourite band/singer/artist?
4. Most embarassing moment?

Day 9- Passing of a loved one

All my good intentions for a new blog topic each day have kinda gone out the window...but I am going to get back on track and just start from where I left off and go from there!

So here we are day 9.

The passing of a loved one..I am going to write about my grandfather on my mum's side.

We called him pop.

My pop was a wonderful man who was in the navy during WWII. His ship was the first into Hiroshima after the bomb was dropped. Being exposed to that kind of radiation is obviously never a good thing and as far back as I can remember pop was always having skin cancers removed. Over his last years he was diagnosed with 7 different kinds of cancers. When the last type (mesothelioma..caused from asbestos) was recognised, the doctors gave pop 6 months to live. This was mid 2002.

He lost his battle on the 31st August 2004. He was 78 years old and left behind my nanny, his wife of 55 years.

We all still miss him very much, everyday.

(I was going to write more, but have started to tear up...)

RIP pop-we love you xox

Slacker

Yes I've been slack, especially with my 30 days of blogging! I will be trying to catch up with my missed days tonight!

AF is still here. Today is CD3 and I have started taking letrozole again. Hope I won't be taking it for nothing...

I told DH last night that AF had arrived and that our next step is IUI. I hate that I never have good news to tell him. I can't wait for the day I can show him 2 lines on a HPT. I just hope it comes soon.

I also booked into my scan this morning so my ovaries can be checked out again. Hoping there will be good news from this and not more bad stuff to crush my spirits further. I got in on Monday afternoon, so we will have the IVF clinic in the morning and then after lunch once DH goes back to work I will have my scan done. I have been told that I need a full bladder and must drink 1L of water beforehand. Not looking forward to that...I am not very good at holding on!!!!

I have a stack of forms to fill in for the clinic. Most of it personal details plus some medical history and TTC stuff thrown in. It asked for my weight...eep! I stay away from scales at all costs..quite some time ago I decided that I didn't need to continually obsess over numbers on a scale. My GP weighed me when I went in for my appointment when I wanted a FS referral. I weighed 80kg and she said I could stand to loose 5kg to keep in a healthy weight range.

Well I didn't really think/do much about this...TTC is stressful enough without taking on a whole new diet and exercise plan. Naughty...but I figured 5kg over isn't too bad in the grand scheme of things.

I weighed myself the other day....



70kg!!!!!

All I can say is thank you metformin! Hahaha...at last you are good for something despite your nasty side effects.

Now I just need to tone up for Summer and I should be all set for the beach...


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GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

AF arrived later this afternoon. Knew buying tests would help her show up....

I feel like such an idiot getting my hopes up like that. I really did think that it was finally my time. So much so that when I bought the tests...I also bought a little present (baby rattle) to give to DH along with what I thought would be a test with 2 lines on it.

STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!

Way to count my eggs before they've hatched...

I know I have been in a lot better frame of mind about all this stuff, but it's hit me today...
We are not going to conceive a baby naturally.
We can't.
And I thought I was ok with this and that I'd come to terms with it...
But I haven't. I'm a mess.
I feel like crap. I just want to curl up and go to sleep until all this is over. Wake up when I have a baby growing in my belly. That would be nice.

And despite having an extended support system around me now...I don't want to talk to any of them about this. I don't even want to talk to DH about this. I haven't even told him that my period has arrived. Or that we have an appointment with the IVF clinic on Monday. I know once I start talking I will burst into tears...and I won't be able to stop.

I am sick of crying about this. I've shed enough tears to last me a lifetime. And I know if I cry then poor DH is at a loss. He doesn't know what to say to make me feel better...I don't think there is anything that anyone could say to make me feel better about this. Hugs help...but there are no words.

And people who tell poor long time TTCers to relax can go F%$# themselves!
I RELAXED.
We went on a freaking holiday overseas to a beautiful beach resort. We had fun.
AND I'M STILL NOT PREGNANT.
Relaxing and holidays are a load of crap. And if anyone ever says that to me again...well they won't know what hit them when I am through telling them off.

I'm just so angry at the world. I't doesn't seem fair. SIL has 11 weeks to go and will have a baby.

WHERE THE FUCK IS MINE!??!?!

STUPID!!!

Got all excited that AF hadn't shown today...went out and bought some FRERs at lunch time.

Just did one.


BFN.

Of course. That will teach me for getting my hopes up. It's horrible seeing that one line staring back at you...all I want to see is 2.




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Day 8- What's in my handbag

I don't go many places without my handbag. It's my lifeline! I have a small collection of bags too. At the moment I am lugging round my latest purchase which I got duty free in Fiji!

I love it!!

What's inside it?

-wallet
-iPhone
-keys
-Lucas pawpaw ointment (for dry lips)
-Jurlique citrus hand cream
-tissues
-bandaids
-work name badge
-panadol
-nurofen plus
-tampons
-chewing gum
-USB stick
-hand sanitiser
-metformin
-sunglasses
-cardigan

And that's on a light day!!!!

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frustration!!!

Why does everything have to be so complicated?!?

Managed to call the IVF clinic and couldn't get an appointment until Monday morning. Sounds like even though I have been seeing my FS (who works with the clinic) this first appointment is an initial assessment and this coming cycle will be a waste of time as DH leaves Monday afternoon. Will ask anyways if they could collect a sample on Monday and freeze it so we don't have to miss a cycle, but don't like my chances.

I am so confused as to why it is set up like this. I specifically chose a FS that was linked to an IVF clinic as I thought it would make things easier and less complicated...and perhaps even save us some time. Seems like I was wrong!!! Oh well, I won't get too worked up about it until we have the appointment on Monday. Perhaps they will be super accomodating and sort it out so we don't have to miss a month.

I also need to book in for my scan, but I am still waiting on the arrival of my period so I can roughly work out when it will be finished. Not sure what my body is doing. After that spot of browny CM I have had nothing more and I am not feeling any period type cramps either. Not getting too excited as this happened my first month on the fertility drugs. I spotted one day then had nothing the next, but then the day after my period arrived...so maybe that is what's happening this time round. If I have no period by CD29/30 then I will buy some tests (unless curiousity gets the better of me before then). I am CD26 today.

I dropped my parents at the airport this morning as they are off for 2 weeks holiday. On my way home I dropped in to see one of my friends who I used to work with. Lovely to catch up with her and I came clean about our TTC efforts after she commented on how much weight I had lost (thank you metformin). She is actually quite a few years older than me and has a daughter who is 10. I never knew this before today but she shared with me that she was told she would never have children due to extremely bad endometriosis (regular laps done to burn away endo, no periods, no ovulation). She used natural therapies through this clinic for 3 months and managed to conceive her daughter. She stays continuously on the pill now as her periods are too painful and will eventually have a hysterectomy done. I am contemplating using this clinic now but want to check at the IVF clinic to see if natural therapies are recommended in conjunction with IUI/meds I am taking.

DH is home tomorrow. Feels like forever since I saw him even though it was only a week ago. Can't wait to see him and have some cuddles!

Day 7-What I Did Today

Got up at 6:30am, had a shower and got ready to take my visitors to some local markets.

Strolled around the markets, had a coffee and something to eat then had a quick stroll by the beach.

Drove our friends to the airport. Said a emotional farewell with lots of hugs.

Came home relaxed for a while then went up to my parents for lunch. Took the dog for a walk down the beach.

Spent an hour on facebook trying to upload our holiday photos. Finally succeeded!!

Currently relaxing on the couch, watching TV and contemplating having an early bedtime!! Need to recover after the massive weekend!


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Slightly confused

No more brown CM after this morning. No cramps.

What's going on?!?!

I thought AF would have been making her presence known by now...perhaps she is being nice to me for a change?!


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Spoil sport!!!

AF definitely coming...had some brown coloured CM on my panty liner this morning. I'd say she will be full force in the morning which means another 25 day cycle. Hoping she is kind to me this month and I'm not in too much pain.

Can't believe we are about to hit cycle 16 of TTC. What a load of crap!!!


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Day 6-Ten Things I Cannot Do Anymore

1. Stay up all night (would much rather be tucked up in bed).

2. Handstands (used to do these all the time at primary school...think I have lost my flexibility).

3. Drink A LOT and ALL NIGHT (this stopped after I had one too many tequila shots one night and ended up having my first every alcohol related vomit when I was about 22).

4. Eat a lot of dairy...(it doesn't seem to agree with my stomach anymore).

5. Speak Japanese (I studied it for 7 years while I was at school and now I can barely remember any of it!!).

6. Do the splits...(again I think I have lost my flexibility).

7. Sleep in late (gone are the days where I used to sleep until after lunchtime..seem to get up fairly early these days).

8. Finger knit (I used to be a champion at this while I was at primary school).

9. Kick ass at the 'Sonic the Hedgehog' video game (I used to be awesome at this but now I suck!).

10. Write in cursive (printing comes naturally to me now).

on her way...

I have been so busy the past few days that I've hardly had time to sleep! My mum's 50th birthday is today and we have been in preparation mode all week! 2 of her best friends from school flew in from interstate just for her birthday weekend. I have one of them (plus her 2 children) staying with me which is lovely. This lady has been like an aunty to me and I love her dearly. Her children are just gorgeous and I have had a lot of fun with them. The youngest is a girl of 11 and her oldest is a boy who is 13. Both are great kids! 

We went to Australia Zoo yesterday..yes the crocodile hunter's zoo. I have been once before but not for a few years. It's awesome! So many animals to see and all the grounds and enclosures have been done so beautifully. We all had a ball despite the rain! 

Today my mum had a lunch at a gorgeous Balinese reestaurant nearby. All her family came and she had a wonderful time. Tonight she is having a party at her house with friends. I'll be heading back over there later too.  

My guests leave tomorrow but we are going to try and fit in a quick walk on the beach and some Sunday markets before they have to be at the airport! May as well squeeze as much in as we can while they are here!! 

All of this has been a GREAT distraction from the TWW...but as I am sitting here at the computer I have tuned into my body...and I think AF is coming. Lots of funny cramps and I feel very heavy in the stomach, which is usually agood sign my period is on the way. I haven't tested...I used my very last HPT on the morning of my FS appointment (just incase). Decided I will not buy anymore unless AF is late! So if nothing has happened by CD29/30 then I will go out and buy some First Response. But I really don't think I will be doing that! I am CD24 today and last month I only had a 25 day cycle...might be in for the same again this time round.

I am very cranky with myself as I forgot to ring the IVF clinic Friday to make an appointment. I am worried we won't get in and this next cycle will be wasted...but I keep telling myself that if this happens, it can't be helped and it's out of my control. I am slowly coming round to this...I mean, there is no point stressing and upsetting myself over things that are not in my control..especially when it comes to TTC. 

I know one day we will have a baby. It may not be for a long time...but one day I will get pregnant and 9 months later we will get to hold OUR baby in our arms. And it will be magical..because we have tried so hard and waited for so long for this miracle to join our family, and this baby will be loved and cherished by so many people. Yes, we may not be able to conceive naturally and yes we may have to wait even longer than the 12 months we have already been waiting...but our baby will come one day and it will be the happiest day of my life.  

Day 5-Random Things I Think About

It's late and I am so very, very tired so this list will probably sound quite bizarre!!

-what dogs would say if they could talk

-what life would be like if aliens took over our planet

-how many cheese & bacon balls I could fit in my mouth

-who thought of eating eggs..I mean they come out of birds butts!!

-what my life would be like if I had never met my DH

-what my life would have been like if I had of been an only child

-how much I like chocolate

-holidays I would like to take

-what I would buy if I won lotto

-song lyrics..they just seem to pop in and out of my head

-lines from movies/tv shows

-is there anyone dumber than Homer Simpson?

-ways to make myself fall asleep quicker

-how weird toes look

-wondering if I should buy some HPTs and start testing

-cranky thoughts as I forgot to call the IVF clinic today and now I will have to wait til Monday

-eyelashes are weird things but eyebrows are weirder

-my eyes feel like they are hanging out of my head; imagine if my eyeballs fell out!!


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Day 4-Seven Things I Am Grateful For

1. My wonderful husband who loves me and cares about me.

2. My amazingly supportive family.

3. My friends who are here for the good times and the bad.

4. That we have a roof over our heads, a bed to sleep in each night and food in our bellies.

5. I am healthy (except for the PCOS) and able bodied and so are all my family and friends.

6. We live in a country free from war and famine.

7. We live in a beautiful town close to gorgeous beaches.



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Day 3-Write about a family member

I am enjoying my blogging topics so far. Hope you are enjoying reading them!

Today's topic is 'write about a family member'.Tough just choosing 1 of my family to write about. I have such a wonderful array of family, but seeming I mentioned my sister in my lastest post I have chosen her.


My Sister 

My sister is almost 4 years younger than me-she just had her 22nd birthday in July. We were not the best of friends growing up. Like all sisters I suppose, we fought. I think the age gap was hard when we were younger. She always wanted to play with me and my friends, but she was 'too little' or 'too annoying' to be allowed to join in! As we got older the fighting intensified..we used to yell and scream at each other over everything! It drove my parents nuts!!! 

We didn't really become close until I moved out of home at 17 when I had finished school and was going off to start university. She used to come down on the train and visit me occasionally and I would take her around to all the fun places in the city. When I came home some weekends we would always have a great time hanging out. We can be friends...but we can't live with each other!!! 


My sister had a rough time through school. She was bullied in primary school by a group of boys who made her life miserable for some time. When she moved on to high school it seemed to turn around and she had lots of friends. However, girls are bitchy and unfortunately this particular groups of girls turned their bitchiness on her. She was too scared to go to school. My parents stepped in and spoke with the school. They were uninterested and did little to fix the problem and even blamed my sister. Parents were not impressed and they took her to a new school. Weirdly enough, a similar problem arose at the new school...by this time my sister's self esteem and confidence were shot. She was always in tears and would beg my parents not to make her go to school. It was heartbreaking. She ended up completing her year 10 certificate via home schooling and then decided that she did not wish to go on to complete her senior certificate (year 11 & 12). 


At only 15 she decided on her career-a chef. She started a TAFE course to boost her skills and from this jumped into an apprenticeship. It was then that she flourished! She had found her niche in life. By 18 she was a qualified chef and by 20 she was head chef of a fine dining restaurant! Very impressive in an industry that favours men, and even more impressive for her age. 


My sister is somewhat clumsy and accident proned. If she can get hurt...she will! My mum used to say that she could 'find a mud puddle in the desert!'. Over the years she has had numerous injuries including broken arms and toes & 3rd degree burns. She was always one of those kids that was covered in scratches and bruises and bandaids!


Fast forward to the current day and she has found herself a wonderful partner who we hope may propose in the near future!! They had a trip overseas last year and went travelling all over the place for about 3 months. Coming back she has found it hard to find work (no one wants to hire a female chef here!!) and she has decided that she would like to further her education and broaden her employment prospects. She is looking at doing a health and nutrition degree at uni. 


I am very proud of my little sister. She has gone through a lot but has remained a kind and loving person. She has achieved so much in her career as a chef and is living a very happy life. I am lucky to have her as a sister and as a friend!!

better fill you in..

I was too tired last night to do a double post, so just decided to do my 'topic' for the day and save my update for later.

First of all....

I CAME OUT OF THE INFERTILITY CLOSET YESTERDAY!!!!! 

Yup, I took the plunge and rid myself of our big secret...and it feels great! I think I have written previously that DH and I decided that we would start telling people about what has been happening for us TTC wise. It was just a matter of figuring out how to broach the subject with people. 
 
Yesterday I had my fertility specialist appointment at 4pm. I spent the afternoon with my sister and when she asked if I wanted to come with her to visit our parents, I said no (as the appointment was in like 30 minutes). Of course she asked why..and I figured well...why not tell the truth....

So I did! I just sort of blurted out a short version of our whole sorry story...and my sister was great. She listened, asked questions and then gave me a big hug and apologised for all the times she has asked us about when we were going to make her an aunty. I didn't cry, which was surprising as I thought I would be a blubbering mess. Once I told her it felt like a gigantic weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And then she did another wonderful thing and offered to tell my parents so I didn't have to recount the story all over again. 

So off I went to my appointment, and off she went to my parents to share my news. 


After my appointment I found a text message on my phone from my sister telling me to come round to the parents place when I was done. I did and it was all ok. My mum was like 'we don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to, but know that we are here if you ever want to talk or cry or vent'. She also said that if I want her to she will tell other family members, but for now I said to leave it just between us. My dad was pretty good too. He is into all kinds of natural remedies/therapies and suggested a few things but didn't go over the top. 


I am honestly so pleased that we decided to start telling people. It really has made me feel better about everything and I am glad that we don't have to keep it a big secret anymore. 12+ months of secrets is more than enough for me! I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family, especially my wonderful little sister...was so thankful that she broke the news to my parents...I think I would have cried if I told them. 


My FS appointment went ok. I walked away slightly confused though...


Went in and explained that my 3rd cycle of drugs is almost over and I wanted to have a quick chat about IUI. Explained about DH working away and how most likely he won't be home to give a sample on the day of IUI. Doctor confirmed that they can freeze the sample at the clinic which was a relief to hear. He explained that he would send a letter to the IVF clinic with my history and explain about DH, then told me to ring the clinic Friday and arrange an appointment. From there he said they will decide when DH would drop a sample in and then organise first round of IUI...Ok so that seems sorta straight forward except do we really need an appointment to arrange drop off of a sample?!? Can't they just tell me that over the phone?!? Who knows...will know more when I call on Friday I suppose.


Next I broached the subject of my increasingly painful periods and the possibility of having a lap to check for endo. No, he doesn't think I have endo. However, he would like me to go to some specialist to have another scan done of my ovaries to check to see if I have lots of cysts (due to the PCOS he believes I have). He then proceeded to tell me that if there seems to be lots of cysts and my ovaries look like crap (my words, not his) then I would need to have 'golf balling' done. WTF is 'golf balling'?!?! Ovarian drilling...


This whole scan thing slightly confuses me as I had the hycosy done where they checked out my lady bits which I even have pictures from. The report from this procedure says 'ovaries were not examined in detail however no gross abnormalities were noted'. So surely this means they couldn't see super bad cysts on my ovaries. From what I can see of the pictures (and comparing them with polycystic ovart pics on Google) it looks like there are cysts on both my ovaries. The pictures aren't the best quality though...and I am not an expert trained to read these things so I suppose I could be wrong! Also, my FS has done an internal scan after my first round of drugs and he checked out my inside bits to see if I had ovulated...so surely he would have picked up on cysts?!?! 


He wants me to get this scan done after my next period is done...period is due anytime in the next 4-7 days. I suppose seeming its a specialist place I will need to ring up and book that in also...just have to guesstimate when I think my period will arrive/be finished. 


The last thing I checked on was the metformin side effects and whether my body should have adjusted to the drug...but apparantly the metformin is 'useful' so I must continue with it and yes it can make you sick but it's just something you have to learn to live with. Sucky! I didn't tell him that I forgot to take it for the duration of my holiday though...which BTW was awesome as it was the first time I hadn't felt nauseous everyday or had stomach upsets in forever!! 


So yeh...slightly confused as to the next steps in our TTC process. Hopefully the IVF clinic will explain it better when I give them a call...and then I just have to wait to see how this cycle pans out so I can get this scan done. 


Part of me is really hoping that holidaying and relaxing paid off and I will be UTD this month...but the rest of me is being realistic and thinks we need further assistance to help us have a baby. I would love to be proven wrong though...a holiday baby sounds just wonderful to me! 


All in all though I am feeling quite upbeat about it all. I think it's the combination of the holiday and telling some people about it all that has made me feel a hell of a lot better. I am also resigned to the fact that baby making is COMPLETELY out of my control now. There will be no more timing sex, examining CM, or obsessing over O pains. I will no longer need to lie with my legs up around my head after having sex or worry about using 'sperm friendly' lube everytime we have sex. All I can do to help the TTC process now is to take my meds and continue with my vitamins. The rest is up to the doctors and nurses. 


I have a feeling of peace. It's nice. I haven't felt so good in a very long time. I hope it continues. 


Oh and I had my hair done this morning which might also contribute to me feeling super shiny and new! Loving my new 'do!!

Day 2-Our Wedding

Day 2 of my '30 Days of Blogging' challenge. 

Topic?

Our Wedding

We were engaged for 2 years before we got married and only set a date about 8 months before the actual day! We both agreed that we would do the wedding on a budget as we didn't see the need to spend a fortune. We paid for almost everything ourselves. My parents paid for the caterers and my grandma paid for the photographer as her wedding present to us. The rest was up to us!!

We got married on the 14th April 2007. We actually picked a date in March (the date DH proposed) but my cousin jumped in and took our wedding date!!!! Unfortunately we couldn't do much as we were holding our reception at her parents house (my aunt and uncle) so just had to figure out a new day to be married on. 


Planning our wedding was slightly stressful. DH didn't really want to get too involved so it was up to me. I had a lot of help from my wonderful mum though. I was in my final year of uni at the time and doing my first field placement. I also worked a part time job so was leading a very busy life. Mum did lots of the groundwork for me-making phone calls and booking things in. 


The biggest issue I had was finding a dress. I must of tried on at least 100 dresses and visited god knows how many shops. I had this vision of a dress in my head, but unfortunately nothing I tried on seemed to match it. I found my dress about 2 months before our big day..yes I know-cut it a bit fine! 


We got married in a local park filled with beautiful trees that are several hundred years old. They form an archway through the park and it makes for a beautiful spot for a wedding. 

We had a lot of fun having photos afterwards in the park. Our photographer told us that it was the best wedding he had been to in a long while and that he had so much fun with us. He was not into staging photos so much which I loved. So we got lots of natural looking shots as well as some fun ones like this one!

I loved that the boys didn't wear suits or shoes! So many people asked me how I felt about the boys wearing thongs and my response was 'I wish I could have worn them too!'. I wanted DH and his mates to be comfortable and when I asked DH what he would like to wear, this is what he came up with.


I loved our wedding music and even listening to the songs now makes me tear up slightly. I walked up the aisle to 'All I Want Is You' by U2, during the certificate signing we played 'With Or Without You' by U2 and we walked back down the aisle together to 'Brown Eyed Girl' by Van Morrison. I spent WAY too much time trying to choose music and didn't end up making my final decision until the day before the wedding!

The reception was at my aunt and uncles house. They have a beautiful place with a huge outdoor entertainment area which looks down over the pool and balinese hut in their back garden. My uncle even put in a gorgeous water feature for the occassion. There were paper lanterns and fairy lights strung up everywhere and fresh oriental lilys (which were also my wedding bouquet flower) in vases throughout the house. It was intimate but casual. We had a catering place in to serve finger food (none of which I got to eat) and guests helped themselves to drinks. I made a bunch of CDs with all our favourite music which played throughout the evening. 


I think the cake was my favourite part of the wedding!! It was from a gorgeous coffee table recipe book my parents bought when I was young called 'Death By Chocolate'. Ever since I can remember I had always said that I would have the 'Chocolate Wedlock' in this book as my wedding cake...and after much effort to find someone who would make this amazing cake for us...'Chocolate Wedlock' was to be mine!! Beneath the white chocolate ganache was a chocolate speckled cake with a chocolate raspberry mousse centre. It was delicious!!

Our wedding was a wonderful day and we had a wonderful time celebrating with all our guests. I will admit there were quite a number of tears on my part. Mostly over silly things, but towards the end of the evening over an incident involving my SIL. I won't go into details as it would involve trying to tell the whole backstory behind mine and SIL's relationship. The incident ended with SIL being asked to leave by my aunt and then being escorted off the property. Not a nice thing to happen on your wedding day, but to be perfectly honest I knew she would pull something and had begged DH that to not invite her. 


So if I had to do it over again I would enforce the lack of invite to SIL!! 


DH and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary earlier in the year and I have no idea where time has gone...but everyday I am thankful that we are still very much in love and that I have a wonderful husband who I will grow old with.