Weekend Plans

It's Thursday evening and that means it is the start of my weekend!! *happy dance*

We are off camping tomorrow and taking the 4WD up the beach. We are headed to an area around Rainbow Beach which is just gorgeous. I haven't been up here in quite a few years (despite it only being an hour or 2 from home) and I am quite excited. Just hoping the weather stays clear as we have been having some rain the past few days. It did clear up this afternoon, so hoping that is a good sign.

So the next few days I will be off the grid. We will camp on the beach, swim, fish and relax with friends. Maybe do a bit of 4WDing as there are some great tracks up there too. I think DH is even going to try and teach me how to drive off road...now that will be interesting!

Nothing TTC related to report...just taking my daily supplements and trying to learn to like the taste of Berocca (totally not happening by the way!). Counting down the days until my period arrives and we can get this FET cycle on the road.

My Own Personal Pharmacy

Here's a shot of my pre cycle supplements/meds...just wait til I add the in cycle meds! I am going to rattle!!!




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Thank You

Thank you to all the lovely ladies who have left me wonderful supportive words.

I woke up this morning and found all these lovely comments. I could have cried! I was so overwhelmed with the love and support radiating from my computer screen!! I am so happy that I have found my little niche here in the blogging world. I don't know what I would do without this space where I can share all my thoughts and know that there is no judgement.

So a big virtual hug to each and every one of you for giving me a better start to the day.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Wazza (that's our new fertility specialist) totally lived up to his reputation. He was well worth waiting 2 months to see and I feel very confident in our choice of switching doctors and clinics.

I could go on and on about how brilliant he is, but will try and keep this short. It was straight down to business when I was called into his office...I sat down, he sat down and the first thing he said to me was 'what can I do for a pretty looking girl like you?'. I had been forewarned of his 'interesting' bedside manner so this just made me laugh. Then he started taking down a detailed history (my cycles pre pill, cycles since coming off the pill, what had happened with last FS etc etc). I mentioned that my file should have been sent and on closer inspection he found that all my last FS had sent were results of 2 bloodtests and a short summary letter!!! OMG I was so pissed off at this since I had requested the file and they had told me it was no problem. And the blood results he sent didn't even include the AMH which was how he diagnosed me with PCOS!!!! Luckily Wazza got his girls onto it and they chased down all the important stuff.

After some discussion he asked why I would want to waste my time travelling down to see him. I was straight to the point of his amazing reputation and he told me it was 'all bullshit'. But honestly, he gave me more information in 1 appoinment then the last doctor has given me in a YEAR of appointments. Plus I felt comfortable instantly!! He listened to me and gave me the chance to ask questions and he took the time to explain so much to me. Why wouldn't I want to travel to see this man?!? He is GREAT!!

He also did a scan and a papsmear (as I couldn't remember when my last one was done) while I was there. I was quite interested to hear what he thought of my ovaries and PCOS diagnosis...well guess what?!? His opinion after looking at my ovaries is that I don't have PCOS!!! He then looked at the scans I had last year and said that those showed an extremely mild case of PCOS, but looking at them now he said you would think not. This totally surprised me as I have always been wary of the PCOS label the other FS stuck on me without even seeing my ovaries for himself. So without that, it places us under the unexplained infertility umbrella...

We discussed FET cycles and how they work. He has 3 ways of doing them (natural & 2 different medicated versions).  He believes that one of the medicated cycles would work best for me. I got to ask all my questions about thaw success rates, FET cycle success...although most of my questions he answered without me even having to ask! Completely different to seeing the last doctor as sometimes it was like drawing blood from a stone when I wanted more detail.

The further we got into the appointment the more I was realising that Wazza goes above and beyond for his patients. I was so impressed.

Then we got down to the serious end of things...when?

I got an answer I was extremely happy with. It will be next month as soon as my period arrives which is a couple of weeks off as I was only about CD10 the day of the appointment. Some even greater news is that he will put 2 embryos back (as long as thawing goes well)!!! Not sure if I have mentioned it before, but our last clinic would not even discuss this option because I was under 30. However, Wazza is a '2 man' and is happy to put 2 back as long as the couple is happy with this. DH and I have discussed this and are more than happy for 2 so I told the doctor that this was fine.

So here is the treatment plan..

Commence immediately
fish oil
zinc
folic acid
low dose aspirin
berocca

CD1 make an appointment with Wazza for CD2 & Cd12; commence Predisone & Feldene tablets.
CD2 scan with Wazza; commence Letrozole tablets from CD2-6.
CD7 commence Clexane injections.
CD12 scan with Wazza; will be told when to do trigger injection.

Then when directed (sometime before transfer) I will commence:
-Progynova (4 times a day)
-Provera (4 times a day)
-Progesterone pessaries (4 times a day!!)
-Pregnyl booster injections as required

Transfer will of course be at some stage after the trigger and then of course the TWW. He has told me I will stay on most of the medications if we get a BFP (minus the Clexane) until around the 12 week mark. Will be closely monitored with blood tests and scans during the first weeks of pregnancy which puts my mind at ease a little.

So it's a massive lot of pills and things to take, but I was warned that he gives his patients a long list! I just need to go get all the supplements, fill the scripts (abit closer to the start of the cycle), organise the paperwork to have our embies transferred to the new clinic and DH needs to have some blood tests done (I did mine on the day of the appointment). Then we will be all set!

The appointment went for about an hour and a quarter all up so I definitely came away feeling very satisfied and had the chance to ensure all my questions were answered. It's amazing how different a 2nd opinion can be and how it can change your thinking. I now actually have some hope that we are now on the right path to our take home baby, whereas before I was wondering whether the old doctor would get us there.

So what you ask, put a dampner on my good mood?? Well, Saturday morning I arranged to meet some friends at the beach. A couple (whose wedding DH and I were both in last year) and another mutual female friend. On my arrival I was given the news that the female from the couple is pregnant...I knew this was coming. I have been saying for weeks to DH (and others) that I thought she was pregnant as they have been avoiding us and when we do see them it has been awkward (I think I have written a few posts about it too). So it wasn't exactly a shock.

What was a shock was that she confronted me with this news then and there so I then had to keep up a happy act for another few hours while we enjoyed the beach. To make matters worse, DH is away so I had no one to go home to for support. I honestly thought that she would have thought it over and perhaps told me on the phone...or at least told DH and I together..but perhaps I expect too much?!?

The other shock was to find our how far along she is...she has past the 12 week mark which means that she probably knew she was pregnant while I was miscarrying. It stung to find out she is due only a few short weeks after Bubble would have been. We could have been sharing pregnancies, but instead I am left to watch.

I managed to keep myself composed, congratulate her and her husband then ask all the appropriate questions and give the right (and happy) replies. Thank goodness we were at the beach so I could keep my sunglasses on..they would have been hiding so much pain. I stuck around for a few hours but declined hanging around for lunch and hightailed it home. On the way I called DH. Bad idea. He was distracted at work and didn't have time to give me the answers I desired. So I turned to chocolate and trashy movies for the afternoon. Finally got late enough that DH was finished with work and I called him again....this led to an evening of tears.

Here are just a few of DH's pearls of wisdom from last night:

-'You should just be happy for our friends and forget about our stuff'
-'You are being selfish by wanting to avoid our friends because of this'
-'You need to get over it' (in reference to the miscarriage)
-'If you stopped being so upset about not being pregnant then it will happen' (thank you Dr Google)

There's more but these were probably the worst. All I could keep saying to him was 'you just don't understand what it's like for me do you?'...and he really doesn't! I get that he wants to 'fix' things. That's what males do best, but all I wanted last night was for him to say 'I'm sorry you are hurting right now', 'yes I agree this totally sucks and is so not fair' & 'I understand that you might need some time before you see our friends again'...you know, that lovely supportive stuff that makes you feel like your partner is actually on the same page as you???? But I didn't get that from DH last night and he hung up on me in frustration I suppose as I kept crying...

The crying continued for most of the night. I barely slept and woke up feeling groggy and exhausted with red, puffy eyes. I literally moved from my bed to the couch and stayed there ALL day. I left the house for about 2 hours this evening to go and have dinner at my parents place but I am back on my couch once again. I felt numb.

DH and I have talked tonight. It led to tears again, but I think he is slowly beginning to understad the magnitude of all this. I don't think males sometimes fully understand the impact of infertility and treatments...not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. I guess unless you are experiencing it firsthand it can be hard to comprehend...or maybe it's just my DH being uber male about all this. Who knows?! I am too tired to try and think this out anymore. We spent almost 2 hours on the phone this evening and I swear sometimes we were just going round and round in circles...I did manage to get him to utter some supportive things to me so I must be getting through to him slightly.

I really don't know what to do about our friends. I am happy for them but I will admit that it does sting that they only needed to TTC for 3 months to get a healthy pregnancy underway. Where is the balance in all of this??? They only took 3 months but yet we are still here, slogging it out and approaching 20 horrific months of TTC. It's not that I would want anyone else I know to go through this...but it just doesn't seem fair that it's so easy for some and extremely difficult for others. I don't know how I will cope watching he grow a belly, knowing that I should have been there a few weeks ahead and sharing in all the joy. They get to plan for a baby and we get to plan for more infertility treatments. My immediate thought is to avoid them at all costs, but the reality is these people are close friends and I cannot just write them off. The guy is one of DH's best mates. They have been (to an extent) supportive of what we are going through...but haven't always done the right thing. I guess I can see now why they avoided us. The last thing you want to hear about when you are newly pregnant is someone else miscarrying. I guess all I can do is see how it all pans out. They may still feel awkward and perhaps realise that this may be difficult for me to handle and keep their distance..I don't know.

For now, until my head is slightly clearer...I am laying low.

I'm Broken

I know I should have come and updated about my appointment yesterday but I was so tired by the time I got home that I just figured I would do it today. However, today I have gotten some news that has completely over shadowed how happy and hopeful I was feeling (so yes in a nut shell it was a good appointment) and cannot even fathom the words to write. I have spent the evening crying and called DH for some support, however this didn't happen and instead I was hit with 'get over it' and 'stop being selfish' before he hung up on me. So for now I will share with you this song, which pretty much sums me up right now.

It's Here..almost!

My appointment with the new FS is tomorrow. This is something I have been waiting on for the past 2 months and we made the decision to seek out a new doctor and clinic very soon after we lost Bubble. It seems like a lifetime ago and also like it was just yesterday. Time is such a funny thing.

The new doctor and clinic are not close by. It will be a good 1-1.5 hour drive down the highway to get there (depending on traffic). A far cry from the FS office 2 minutes drive from home and the clinic an easy 15 minute trip. I keep telling myself it will be worth it if this doctor can get us to our goal of a 'take home baby'. See my goal now is no longer just to get pregnant, because now I really know that just because you get pregnant, it doesn't always mean you get to take a baby home at the end of 9 months...

I am all organised for the appointment. I have typed up a very long list of questions and a time line of our TTC history with important dates etc. I figure this history might be useful if he hasn't looked at the files that have been sent or if there are gaps in the information. I also have my scan pics to share if they haven't been forwarded and of course my referral from the GP.

Despite being organised I am still nervous. Nervous of meeting this so called 'guru' who I have heard so many stories about. He is apparently a real straight shooter and will tell it like it is-no bull shit. He swears. He makes jokes. But best of all, he listens to his patients-really listens!!

I am very excited about this as I don't think my previous FS really listened or addressed all my questions and concerns. And once I got my BFP I felt like I was left to figure things out on my own and hope for the best..which instead turned into the worst and again I was left floundering and lacking the care I needed.

I also had a horrible nightmare last night about the appointment. It was so awful that I woke up in a cold sweat. And it felt so real!!

My dream pretty much played out all my worst fears..

-my mum and sister were with me..but my sister was pregnant!!
-he was running an hour behind with appointments and then when I finally got in there we only spoke for about 5 minutes and then he excused himself and left me waiting for another half hour
-he gave me vitamins to take and then decided to give me injections to start me off for another stim cycle
-when I told him I didn't need to do a stim cycle as we already had frozen embryos he told me it would take 3 months to transfer them from our old clinic

It's amazing what your sub-conscience brings out..can you tell I'm extremely stressed about the outcomes of this appointment?!?

So hopefully tonight doesn't bring another hideous nightmare and tomorrow brings some positive news to share and a step in the direction of a baby...

In the dark

Some days I feel like the pain of losing Bubble is easing. I can go about my normal day without feeling the hurt deep inside me, without tears, without anger. I can just be.

Other days it's a struggle. I cry, I rage..I think of all we are missing out on and wonder if we will ever get another turn. These days are hard work. Everything is a struggle. Getting out of bed is an effort and it just gets worse from there.

And then there are the times where you think it's a good day and all has gone well...BUT then the night time comes. Laying in bed ready to sleep and it hits me. All the emotions come flooding in. The tears start rolling down my face before I can even register the mountains of emotions and try to work through them.

Of course this only happens when I am all alone.

In desperate need of a hug and a shoulder to cry on and there is no one beside me.

It's just me against the world at times like this....and it sucks.


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Wow!!

I am a bit behind the times as this video was year...but I stumbled across it through ICLW and I had to share.

I watched this video and had tears in my eyes. It's moving and powerful. I also plan to share on Facebook so hopefully my family and friends will take the time to watch and get a better understanding of how hard this journey really is.

So if you have not seen this amazing video, please take a few minutes to watch.





What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Today Was a Roller Coaster Ride

My day was filled with ups and downs...not unusual in the life of an infertile I suppose...driving to work this morning I started thinking all kinds of awful stuff which almost had me in tears, and the day had hardly started!

Some of the random things running through my mind this morning...just so you can get an idea of the kind of head space I was in today...

-When I started bleeding, I had a scan and was told Bubble was only measuring at 5w5d. Today I thought back to what I was doing around the 5 week mark and realised we were out in the middle of nowhere camping...and 4WDriving. So then I start thinking what if this had something to do with losing our Bubble?!? What if I hadn't have gone camping?!? Would I still be pregnant?!?

-Then my thoughts jump to Christmas this year...there will be no baby. Last Christmas we had just got our BFP and spent the entire Christmas Day talking about next year and how we would have a little bub to buy for and to make the day all the more special...our first Christmas as a family of 3. And we have totally missed the boat for a 2011 baby now too...And then I decided that if I am not pregnant by Christmas this year-I am boycotting.

There was more..but these were the 2 main thoughts that seemed to dominate.

So I get to work feeling terrible and wanting to have a cry, but I soldiered on and was quite busy which was a good distraction. Then I remembered late this afternoon that I should call the new clinic and confirm Friday's appointment, plus check and see if they have received my file from the current FS.

So I call, and ask to confirm. The receptionist asks to put me on hold while she checks. I am on hold for 1 minute, then 2, then 3....listening to cheesy music and wondering what the hell is going on because surely it doesn't take that long to check. Of course my first thought is that they have lost my booking. Finally after almost 5 minutes she's back and telling me that they may have to move my appointment due to an emergency surgery or something. Inside my mind I am screaming 'NOOOOOOOOOO...I've waited 2 months for this' but I managed to keep my cool, confirm my contact number and ask about my files before the phone conversation ends.

Luckily, about 30 minutes later she called back.

Confirmed my appointment for Friday @ 12:45pm AND confirmed that they had received my file!!!

Cue sigh of relief and downwards spiral from hysteria!!!

So we are all systems go for Friday. My file is there, the appointment is on, I have my scan pictures ready to hand over. Now I just need to write down my very long list of questions to ask, because otherwise I will forget! I am still very nervous about what this appointment will bring...but after waiting for 2 months to see this so called 'guru of IVF' I will admit I am a teensy bit excited!

Happy ICLW..and 1 Year of Blogging!

So it's that time again..ICLW! This is the 2nd one for me and I am happy to be back for more. Last month I found a stack of new blogs to read, and gained some followers for my blog too. It's all about sharing the love!!

So if this is your first visit to my blog-welcome! And for your reading pleasure..our story in a nut shell!

Meet DH November 2002
Engaged 9 March 2005
Married 14 April 2007
Start TTC 1 August 2009
Diagnosed with PCOS June 2010
4 cycles of Letrozole & Metformin June-Sept 2010
First IVF cycle Dec 2010
BFP Dec 2010
Miscarriage Jan 2011

Which pretty much brings us to now. 2 months post miscarriage and waiting to see a new Fertility Specialist who has come highly recommended. A 2 month wait list has to stand for something right?!? The appointment is almost here. Friday I will meet the new specialist and hopefully transfer clinics and get the ball rolling to have our 6 little frosties transferred too. Hoping that a FET cycle is in our near future, along with another BFP and a sticky pregnancy.

Yesterday marked my blogs first anniversary! Have definitely come a long way in the past year...what a roller coaster ride! That first post seems like a lifetime ago now. So much has changed, yet so much is still the same. The biggest non change being there is still no pregnancy and still no baby.

Sunday Night Blues & The Rifle Range

I really dislike Sunday nights. This probably stems from my school days and knowing that Monday was only hours away and it was back to school and routine for another week. You would think I would have grown out of this at 26...Now I suppose, when DH is home, it's our last night together before he leaves for another week away. Which of course makes me sad.

I can't really pinpoint any other reasons why Sunday nights always leave me feeling sad and somewhat lonesome. I always seem to be in a funny mood as Sunday evenings roll around and can't seem to shake it, no matter what I do. Just one of those things I guess.

The weekend (and DH's time home) has again passed much too quickly for my liking. We didn't get up to anything exciting. The highlight was my first visit to the shooting range! DH has only fairly recently got into guns thanks to a guy at work. This led to getting his gun license, bolting a giant gun safe into our wardrobe and of course, purchasing his own guns! Now I will admit, I was quite shocked when DH first decided this was his new hobby. I have never known anyone who did this (until I met his mate from work) and thought it was a little scary. But I can now proudly say I am converted! I now get why people enjoy shooting as a hobby...because it's awesome!! This morning I spent several hours at the range and enjoyed every minute of it. Not just the shooting, but watching others shoot. It's all quite fascinating, especially the mix of people that were there. Not what I expected at all!

DH is a good teacher and I managed to keep my shots to the targets, which I was pretty pleased with. Before this I have only shot cans with an air rifle (not well) and shot randomly at trees and things when we went camping last year. So targets was a step up and a challenge. We started with the bigger gun...way too heavy for me and the kick back....OMG! Inside my shoulder is killing me and I think I may have a nice bruise there come morning!! Although that's better than a black eye (which DH warned me about so I made sure my eye stayed clear once I pulled the trigger...Once I switched to the smaller gun, I had a ball! DH could hardly get it off me for a shoot and I have now claimed this one as 'mine' (not sure how DH feels about this as he only picked this gun up earlier in the week!!).

I think DH is quite excited that I enjoyed the range so much. I am not really into many of his hobbies (fishing, 4WDriving, hunting) and most of the time I leave him to enjoy these pastimes with his mates. However, the shooting range is something I can get on board with!

This Is My Life

I'm not writing because nothing is happening. My life now includes work, gym & home. Super exciting! DH is home so it's nice to spend time together.

We have talked a lot.
Talked over, under and around the baby issue.
DH is positive that it is going to happen. He keeps telling me that we should keep buying baby stuff so we are all ready when I finally do fall pregnant. I love him for his optimism, but I cannot be THAT positive. I can't bring myself to get my hopes up that high...buying for a baby that may not ever happen.

Yesterday marked a week until the appointment with the new fertility specialist. Still no excitement, just nerves. I am scared out of my mind at where we will end up next.

The Land of What If

My period arrived yesterday and so far (touch wood) the witch has been much kinder to me than usual. Cramps are not too painful and I have only been having to take minimal amounts of pain killers (whereas usually I would be taking them every 4 hours or so). It's a nice change and partly makes up for it arriving on the day DH arrived home! The poor guy. It must feel like every time he comes home I am bleeding.

Just over a week until my new FS appointment. I called up my current doctors office today to ask about getting a copy of my file. The receptionist was actually really nice and didn't grill me as to why I wanted a copy. All she asked is who I wanted them sent to and said that she will get the doctor to do it. Hooray! I am going to check with the new clinic on Monday to see if they have received my file and if not I will get them to chase it up so it's there for my Friday appointment.

I am still freaking out about the new appointment. Poor DH must be sick of hearing about it, but I can't help going over and over the 'what ifs'...

What if he wants to run all his own tests before he will even think about doing a FET cycle?
What if our little bubsicles get damaged while in transit from one clinic to the other?
What if we lose ALL the embryos while they are defrosting them for a FET?
What if this FET doesn't work..how much longer will we have to wait for a baby?
What if the FET does work and I miscarry again?

What if, what if, what if.

DH tells me not to think so negatively. But I can't help thinking of all this stuff. I cannot just think 'yes we will do a FET and it will work and we'll live happily ever after' because to be honest I don't know that it will work and even if it does, it doesn't mean we will have our happy ending...and I don't know how I would cope if I miscarried again.

Ugh...

I Did It!

Today I bit the bullet and joined a gym.

After posting yesterday about how terrible I felt I figured this was this best way to fix that! It's nice to be able to take control of one aspect of my life and I am actually quite excited at the prospect of working out, getting toned and losing some weight!

The gym I joined is brand new and only opened on Saturday. It's only about a 5 minutes drive from home and is one of those 24/7 gyms so you can go whenever it suits you. I did a small cardio workout after I signed up and I felt so good afterwards (I still do). Guess I needed the endorphin boost!!

My plan is to hit the gym 3-4 times a week, plus whenever I am sitting at home feeling weepy or if I am unable to get to sleep then I want to jump in the car and go do a workout. I figure it's better to be slogging it out at the gym then sitting here feeling sorry for myself. So hopefully I will be feeling fit and fantastic in no time.

I haven't been a gym member since I was about 19. DH (well he was just DP back then)  and I both joined and we had a couple of friends who were members of the same gym so we could all keep each other motivated. I used to go 5-6 days a week and loved it. I only stopped when we moved too far away from the gym for it to be practical to keep the membership. Have been contemplating a new gym membership for quite some time now, so this new gym opening so close to home was perfect timing!!

It's nice to be feeling so positive and excited about something in my life for a change.

Yuk

CD28, no sign of my period. Not sure what is going on..after the mood swings and cramps I really thought my period would have started by now. I guess I was wrong. Oh well, it doesn't really matter at this stage. We don't even know when we will be cycling again. So I don't really know why I am so concerned...

Nothing else going on. Just under 2 weeks until the new FS appointment. I am feeling quite nervous and anxious about it. I just wish I could fast forward past all this crap. Insomnia has flared up again. I am exhausted. Hoping the next few nights prove better so that I can feel slightly rested when I go back to work.

I look like crap. I have big, black bags under my eyes. I have pimples breaking out, oily, shiny skin. I'm bloated and pretty sure I have gained back all the weight I lost while on Metformin. I just feel so disgusting.

Does Anyone Know?

When does it get any easier?
When does the hurt go away, or even ease slightly?
Because right now all I want to do is rewind and go back to when I was pregnant and happy and totally unaware that on the 15th January everything would change in a matter of hours.

I hurt all the time. All day everyday. Even when I don't think about it, I hurt. My heart aches for the baby we lost. It aches for all the crap we had to endure to even get to the point of seeing those 2 lines on a pee stick. It aches at the thought of going through more crap to possibly experience more heart break and no baby in my arms.

I can't even put into words how awful I feel..and it doesn't feel like it's getting any better. I actually feel worse (if that's possible..). I'm sinking down into the depths and I don't even care.

Decisions

Working week over...After the day I had Tuesday I was about ready to not go back, but the past 2 days made up for it and I survived the week. I am just glad that I can remove my counsellor hat and my work smile for 4 days. It's so tiring pretending you are ok.

Still waiting for my period to make it's arrival. Not sure what was going on with the cramps I was experiencing, but they seem to have stopped now...strange. Feeling bloated and my skin is super oily with lots of little pimples breaking out so I'm sure it's the start of PMT. Would be nice if I got my period before DH comes home again though..I don't think he can deal with anymore of my raging hormones! Poor guy.

Tomorrow will mark 2 weeks until I meet my new Fertility Specialist for the first time. It's already been a month and a half since I made this appointment so it feels quite weird that it is actually getting closer. Though it's still not close enough for me to get excited. Especially as I have no idea what to expect. I plan to go armed with a list of questions (and let me tell you it's going to be quite a long list) plus my scans and hopefully my entire file from the FS I have been seeing (if he plays nice and hands it over). So hopefully this will be enough information for him that he won't want to run anymore tests/scans over again..because if he wants to start all that investigative stuff all over again, well I will cry. I will burst into tears in his office and as I will be there on my own (the closest appointment I could score coincides with DH being away) I don't know if I will be able to stop. So I am desperately hoping that he just says we can start on a FET cycle as soon as we transfer our frosties to the new clinic..wishful thinking but it's all I've got to hang on to right now.

Our 4th wedding anniversary is coming up next month. I am contemplating booking us a weekend away somewhere very flashy and expensive...but then the sensible side of me wonders whether we should waste money on that and instead put it towards our FET cycle. So at the moment I am contemplating a romantic weekend away or IVF treatment. Guess which is winning?!? And please, no comments on 'oh maybe if you take the romantic getaway you will conceive a baby' because I know that if I bring this up to RL people I will hear this at least once...

I can't believe that this is what my life has been reduced to...

I'm Still Here..

Hormones are driving me insane. Poor DH copped it the last few days before he left...he even left earlier than needed to go to the airport yesterday because he couldn't stand me any longer!! Ouch! Yesterday was really bad. I was angry at EVERYTHING. I was yelling and screaming at DH, at the world, at inanimate objects. I just wanted to scream and stomp and break things. By the evening I was the opposite. I was sad and teary and miserable.

I can't even blame this on fertility drugs..because I'm not on anything. My thinking is that my period is coming. I'm CD23 today and if I go back to my regular 26-28 day cycles then it won't be long. I have also been experiencing some light cramps for the past 4-5 days so that's usually a good indication of my period coming too. Not sure how to explain the extreme hunger and oily, pimply skin though...such fun being a female.

Well it's almost 8pm and thanks to an uber busy day at work and a terrible nights sleep, I think it's well past my bedtime. Just figured I better update with something. I'm still here, still alive..hanging by a thread.

War Of My World

There is a constant battle going on inside my head.
A battle of thoughts and feelings..
I wage war to try and keep these contained so I can get on with day to day life.
Some days are worse than others.
Some days I even win.
But most days I lose.

Today I lost.
Majorly.

I was barely out of bed when the tears started flowing. Honestly, how can a day be any good if you start it in tears?!? The cold germs still making themselves at home in my nose and throat also probably didn't help. What else is there to do but go back to bed?

Going back to bed is all well and good when you have no plans, but today I was also meant to attend a baby shower for a very dear friend of mine. She and I trekked the TTC path together for a time but thankfully she has made it to a new journey and is fast approaching her due date. I felt very honoured to be invited to share in her special day. But I didn't go.

And I feel like a total bitch.

Now don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for her to be pregnant and even more thrilled that she has made it through her pregnancy with a healthy bubba on board. I am so excited that in a month or so she is going to hold her little one in her arms. The little one she has waited so, so long for...BUT (and of course there is always a but) I am miserable that I am not riding along with her, with my own little bundle of joy to look forward to.

And after the IVF and the miscarriage and how I have been feeling lately, I could not muster up the strength to go to a baby shower where there would be bellies and babies and non stop talk of being a mum. I honestly couldn't trust myself to get through an entire afternoon of this without tears...and I didn't want the water works to happen and ruin my friends day. I also didn't want to be there and have my friend wondering and worrying if I was ok and have to be tiptoed around. I wanted her to have a day that was all about her, so that she could enjoy every minute of her baby shower. And I really hope this happened...but I still feel so guilty that I could not shelve my own issues for a few hours to be there for a friend. I am so ashamed of myself for this. I really do feel like a horrible person and a terrible friend.

So now along with all of my usual emotions, I have a side serve of guilt.
I am sure that some people would tell me that I have no reason to be guilty and that they are sure my friend understands..but even if she does understand, I still feel like a sad excuse for a friend.

I should have been able to walk into that baby shower, smile, chat and share in the festivities. I am sure there are ladies out there that have done it in my situation (or worse) without a problem.
I should have been able to hold it together for a few hours...There would have been plenty of time in the car on the drive home and plenty more time at home to let all the emotions out. I should have been there for my friend.

What a sad, sorry excuse for a human being I am right now.

Not Fun

Thanks for the lovely get well comments left! I am feeling better than I was earlier in the week and even went back to work today...though I'm not sure if it was the best idea as I spent most of the day feeling dizzy and ready to curl up under my desk for a nap. Managed to get a fair amount of work done despite this which was good. Now I have my 4 day weekend to get back to normal.

I had to do something hard this evening. It was time to pick up my baby lay by (the one I wrote about here). DH came with me so that part wasn't so bad. It was bringing all these goodies home and wondering if we will ever get to use them...I opened up the package with all the cute little clothes I had picked out with Bubble in mind...and it was just so sad. I can't even describe it. I just felt so empty. We have baby stuff, but no baby. Not even an idea of when we might have another shot at having a baby....

I know I sound like a broken record, but it's not fair.

This sucks, and not just a little bit...a lot.

Somebody Call The Doctor...

So I am sick.

I knew it was coming.

It was only a matter of time...running around like crazy + stress + insomnia = illness of some form. Especially because I finally stopped on Monday after I had been pushing myself to keep going for the past few weeks. I ended up staying home from work today. I was up half the night with my nose running like a tap. This morning I woke feeling like death warmed up and as I struggled to get ready for work, I realised the smart thing to do was stay home.

My throat is on fire, my nose is running and I can't stop sneezing. I am lethargic, hot and my head feels all fuzzy. Nice combination.

I have spent the day on the couch, but despite being exhausted I haven't managed more than about 30 minutes of sleep...It doesn't help that it's stinking hot today and I am battling a fever plus I am trying to keep my fluids up which means I need to get up and pee every hour or so...doesn't really make for a nice napping experience.

DH got home a little while ago and was not impressed to find a sick wife lolling on the couch. He doesn't want to get sick while he is on days off..I don't blame him, but a little sympathy wouldn't go astray...no such luck.

I am hoping this is the worst of it and I can head back to work tomorrow. I don't really have many sick days and it's still busy at work so I don't want to fall behind. I have been dosing myself up on Ease a Colds (a natural cold and flu tablet) and panadol plus vitamin C in the form of freshly squeezed OJ. I also have some chicken marinating in the slow cooker for dinner tonight and added LOTS of garlic...figure it can't hurt. Not much else I can do but ride it out.

Did I mention I hate being sick???