BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

No idea what my body is trying to do.

No sign of AF. No spotting. No cramping. Usually that would be happening.

Increase in CM today. Creamy, but watery. And as of this afternoon, my cervix has dissapeared!!! I usually have no trouble finding it, and yesterday when I checked it was there..slightly high and slightly soft, but there. 

Today..not.

No idea what this is all about. I was madly Googling to see what could be going on. There is a possibility I am pregnant..or my body is just being stupid and wants to play further mind games with me. 

I believe its the later.

Spoke to DH earlier. He will be home middle of the week, then leaves on the Monday I am having my HyCoSy done. So there goes cycle #11. Easy as that.

It's not his fault, but I got a little stroppy with him on the phone when he delivered this news to me. As he put it, does he want me to tell them he can't and just not work? Or would I rather he be making money so we can pay the mortgage and actually have a place to put a baby when one eventually comes? 

I bet you know my answer. *sigh* Sometimes FIFO work is such a curse. 

Despite my crappy start to the day, I did actually manage to cheer up. I went out with my mum this afternoon. We had lunch and then went op-shopping. Was good. Plus, my dog is extremely entertaining, and it is hard not to smile when he is around. I would be such a sad sack (well more so then what I am) if we didn't have him! 

Tonight is another Friday night home alone. So depressing. I feel like an old woman-sitting at home night after night. Though I feel terrible. I ate dinner and then about 15-20 mins later felt gross...*TMI ALERT* Horrible cramps started and then it was a dash to the loo..I don't think I need to elaborate any further. Stomach empty, but still feel grotty. And I am tired.

No plans for the weekend. 

BFN

So once again I build my hopes up, only to have them come crashing down around my ears.

I feel so stupid with all that positive talk and crap. I just set myself up for a fall, month after month. When will I learn? If I expect the worst then I will never be dissapointed. 

 Have had some wonderful advice from Green Sprout about my FF chart. She is my charting guru!! My FB girls are telling me not to give up hope yet, that there's still a chance until AF actually arrives. But I am failing to grasp a hold of their positivity. I think it's easy enough to stay positive for others, but for yourself, when you are feeling so let down, its near impossible. 

I am just going to wait it out now. No more tests (even though I have 2 more). I can't even begin to explain the hurt of seeing 1 line. It gets a little worse each month and takes a little piece of my hope away with it. 

I bit the bullet and booked in for my HyCoSy at Advanced Women's Imaging. I got in on the 10th May at 8:30am. I figure if AF shows in the next few days then she should be well and truly done by then. I must admit I am a little nervous. The lady I spoke to told me to take a couple of naprogesic an hour before my appointment. How much is this going to hurt???? This is also going to cost me $370. I am hoping I can claim some of this back with Medicare or my PHI. 

Who knew TTC would be so expensive? I thought the baby would be where all my money went. WRONG! I think I would like to add up all the money I have spent on HPTs, OPKs, FF, BBT Thermometers (my dog ate one!), Pre Seed, vitamins and doctors appointments. The total would suprise me, and I don't think DH would be very impressed either. 

On a DH note. He is taking the new job. They want him to start on Monday, but he is still down south with his old job. Not sure at this stage whether they will let him finish up on Sunday and fly home. Otherwise he will finish there next Thursday, come home for a night and then fly to new job on Friday. Either way I don't know if he will be here at the right time to try. I guess it depends on when AF shows up and what his roster is. They were saying 14/7 originally, but now there is talk of 7/7. 7 days off is so shit. 2 days are usually wasted in travel. So only really 5 days at home. I guess this would be bearable if he was to do the 7/7 roster as it would be so quick between times home. 7/7 may work better in our favour while TTC also. 

I am listening to '3 Little Birds' in a desperate attempt to boost my mood...It has made me smile, but I am yet to muster any positive vibes from Bob's optimistic attitude. 

On an end note, I plan to throw my thermometer in the bin once this cycle is over (too curious about what my temps will do next to stop now!).

waiting...

Got my FRs. Will see what my temp is like in the morning. If it's still up-I test. If it's down-I don't test. Simple.

I am feeling sick with anticipation. I want to put myself out of my misery...

I hope this is it. I really, really hope this is it.

the unknown..

I feel like my life is on hold until I test. I am sick of this anticipation...'Am I?...Aren't I?' *sigh*

My temp dropped today..not a lot, but still it was enough to depress me. I did have a restless sleep and don't think I got a solid 3 hours before I took my temperature. So I keep telling myself that maybe thats why I had a drop...(yeh, keep feeding the delusions...).

 A part of me is still hanging onto a shred of hope (as usual). This cycle seems different to the others..

-Tired. Always tired. 

-Still peeing a lot.

-Back to my stomach feeling really heavy.

-My cervix feels different from how it usually feels before AF arrives..it's quite soft and slightly higher.

-Lots of creamy CM, except its usually quite thick and at the moment it's creamy but a little watery. 

Who knows?!? It's a waiting game now. Your guess is as good as mine to whether I am UTD or not. I hope this is it. 

DH text me to say that he will be taking that new job. He must have sorted out the contract issues with them...I will talk to him tonight and find out more. So that means it will be back to a 14/7 roster. So crap when TTC. Depending on when he starts then he will probably miss next cycles chance (after the HyCoSy).

CD22/ 9DPO

HUGE temp rise this morning!!! OMG..I am starting to get a little bit excited that this might be it...BUT once again trying not to get too excited incase I am dissapointed again.

I am tired again today, but we were up at 4:45am so that might have something to do with it..though I did go to bed earlier to try and compensate. Have had a sore throat the past few days and as of yesterday I can taste/feel mucus at the back of my throat when I swallow (gross!!). So perhaps I am just getting a cold and that would account for all of these 'symptoms', including the higher temps..*sigh*

DH back at work so I somehow have to distract myself til Friday when I can test...no idea how I will manage that. I was so tempted to stop at the shops on the way home from work today and pick up some FRs..but I talked myself out of it. 9DPO is still too early. I am glad I have no tests in the house!

Went and had my BTs done today. Will call the FS tomorrow arvo to see if results are in..well I think the only result that I need to worry about is if I am ovulating or not. I am wondering whether the tests would show up if I was pregnant or not..I don't know whether that is a separate test altogether. I am having little daydreams of calling up for my results and having him tell me that I am pregnant...

LMFAO @ me. I am sad.And quite possibily slightly delusional...

Not much else to report. I am having some cramp/stitch like pains in my stomach. Hoping its not AF gearing up for arrival..Perhaps it's a little bubba getting comfy?!? I can only hope.

long weekend seemed way too short!

Can't believe it's Monday evening and both DH and I go back to work tomorrow. That weekend has gone way too quickly for my liking!!

We got up early this morning and took the dog down the beach. It was so beautiful down there. Finally having some nice weather after all the rain, but definately could feel that Winter chill in the air!!!

Got home, had breakfast and decided to go visit my grandma. Took her up some of the Anzac biccies I made and she was rapt! :) Spent a few hours chatting with her. She seems to be doing well and is in quite good spirits. Luckily she has a wonderful, supportive family who are all doing their bit to take care of her! She has had visitors all weekend which she loves.

DH decided to go off fishing this afternoon with a mate, but I stayed home. Put on a DVD and promptly fell asleep...woke up after about 1.5 hours feeling worse! I hate it when that happens..I am putting the tiredness down to an early start this morning...not getting my TWW crazies on just yet! 

Nothing much else. Had a few cramps last night and this morning...but really light...only noticed them coz I was lying in bed not doing anything else. My temp went WAY up this morning too...hoping this is a good sign, but again trying to keep the crazies in check!!

Friday can't come quick enough for my liking!! 

another day..

So here I am..CD20/7DPO and I feel NOTHING!!!! 

I don't know whether thats a good thing or not. In my mind there are 2 reason why I am not feeling any 'symptoms'. 

1. I have been keeping myself busy and have not had time (or sometimes energy) to obsess over every little thing that I feel; 

or..

2. There is actually nothing going on within my body and all the other cycles have been my imagination working over time!

I don't know which option I prefer?!?

Maybe it is the first one, as I have had DH here for an extra few days and this proves to be a great distraction. I mean when he's around I don't spend my days off sitting on the computer searching google for early pregnancy symptoms! 

Today I have done so much and I'm again exhausted..but I need to recover quickly as we have my parents and little sister coming round for dinner. Don't think it will be too late a night, but never the less I can't be yawning my head off at 6pm!

So what did I do today?

-cleaned the house

-two loads of washing

-helped DH clean the BBQ (it was disgusting!)

-baked Anzac biccies and a Mars Bar cheesecake

I think I have earnt my exhaustion!!

We watched movies last night. If you want to be scared senseless then watch 'Paranormal Activity'.

Had a realisation the other day watching a movie. One of the characters was pregnant and had a huge baby belly, which got me thinking. I cannot picture myself with a pregnant belly..I just cannot conjure up this image in my head. I cannot even begin to imagine seeing those 2 lines on a HPT. I don't know whether its my sad state of an imagination, or whether its the fact that I believe that pregnancy is so far out of my reach.. 

 

no energy

No energy today. It's raining and miserable so maybe that has something to do with it. I slept so well last night after all that manual labour..am a bit stiff today though! 

We have done next to nothing today..well we went out and bought groceries, but that was necessary given the lack of food in the house, and the fact that I promised my family they could come over tomorrow night for a BBQ dinner..

Got home, unpacked groceries and an overwhelming tiredness slipped over me. Lay down with DH to watch a movie and promptly fell asleep. Woke up in time for the end of the movie and put on another (which I managed to stay awake for). DH then made us a very, very late lunch..maybe more an afternoon snack! I still feel like I could lie down and sleep for hours. 

I hoped to do some baking this afternoon, but I really can't be bothered! Will make a cheesecake tomorrow to have for dessert...on DH's request. I haven't made a cheesecake for years..I hope it turns out ok. I want to go visit my grandma too. She is back at home now and doing well. Will try do that tomorrow or Monday.

TWW is actually NOT driving me too crazy. Still temping..just because I am curious, but once this cycle is over I will retire my thermometer for good. Have to go get all my blood tests done on Tuesday morning. Not looking forward to this as with the amount of tests the FS wants done, it is going to be ALOT of blood...

I haven't booked the HyCoSy in yet as I need to know when AF will arrive..I guess I can make a guess and change the appointment if I am wrong. Will give them a call Tuesday and see if there is much of a wait for appointments. Maybe it would be better if I get in a little early.

So 6DPO and no symptoms to obsess over...

'3 Little Birds' - Bob Marley

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

nothing like manual labour to keep your mind off things!

DH decided that today we would tackle the garden...Mammoth task as we are surrounded by rainforest and live on almost an acre of land. Also...we have kept putting it off as everytime DH comes home it seems to rain!

Off DH went to buy a chainsaw..gotta love boys and their toys!! LOL 

So I spent the day lugging cut down tree branches, raking leaves and weeding out garden beds (all the way along our long, steep driveway). I cracked it during the last stages of raking up all the leaves and stuff...decided I had done enough. DH was very good about it and said I could stop, but then I felt guilty and kept going! It's worth it though..everything looks really good!! :)

After a nice, long, hot shower and some late lunch I had recovered somewhat, when DH said we should take the dog for a walk down by the beach. I agreed, and 1.5 hours later we were home!! 

So now I am sufficiently exhausted and ready to curl up on the couch for the night. Sounds like a good plan for me.

It's a long weekend for ANZAC Day (but I always have Mondays off, so it doesn't really matter. DH is home until Tuesday as the rig he works on is being repaired. So he gets an extra few days home and is happy! 

Not sure if he is taking the new job now or not. They have put stuff in the contract that wasn't discussed on the phone...so he has to find out some more information before he makes the decision...I think he is thinking about staying put, but wants to talk to his boss and see what the chances are of being trained up very soon.

On the TTC front..I am CD18/5DPO and have nothing to report. A few twinges in my stomach, but was so busy today that I didn't think twice about it all really. I figure I will start testing in a week...I will be 12DPO by then, so I should know either way. 

Had a crap moment today, but managed to overcome it quite well and without tears. DH's sister is insistant on sending him text updates on her pregnancy...ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! It is quite frustrating, and while DH tries to hide it from me (cos he knows it upsets me), in some weird way I need to know. Todays was..'healthy heartbeat at 8 weeks'. I was silent after he told me, and then took it out on the garden until DH took the rake off me..and then I was ok. I mean thinking about it now, it still gets me down a little, but I don't want to cry. 

I am sick of crying about this process. I am sick of feeling crap everytime someone mentions babies or pregnancy. I am sick of letting TTC take over my entire life and invading my mind every second of the day.

After the 'news', a new song came on (from the ipod we were listening to). '3 Little Birds' by Bob Marley. The lyrics are quite apt, so I figure everytime I feel crap about TTC, I will think of this song. It might help?!? 

CD16 / 3DPO..I think!

Played around with my FF chart today..and if I get another high temp tomorrow then FF will put in my crosshairs..Putting O day as CD13 (Sunday)!! Lots of BDing done around then..so perhaps we are in with a shot?!?

Having some strange sensations in my belly today. The heavy/crampy feeling has eased and has been replaced by twinges which are happening on and off all day. No idea what thats all about, but am trying not to read too much into it all yet...it's still very early days in the TWW!

Had a crap moment at work today. The lady I sit next to (who is a nurse) has commented the last 2 days about how tired I look. The nurse came out of her today and was all concerned about how I was feeling. I said I felt tired and she's like 'oh maybe you're pregnant!'. Of course I had to take the response of 'oh no I couldn't be..' type thing and she's like 'well I've planted the seed in your head now..sometimes these things happen!' It took all my willpower not to blurt out my whole sorry TTC story and the fact that it would be a miracle if I was pregnant, as the last 9 months have not produced any results..BUT I held my tongue. Work isn't the time or place for this type of thing.

I wish people would keep this type of comment to themselves. I know she meant well and was really concerned and wanted to make sure I am ok (that's what happens when you are a nurse I suppose), but people need to think about how sensative a topic pregnancy can be. Maybe you don't realise it until you are actively TTC (and having trouble)...but I know now I could never start hassling friends asking when they are going to have babies etc..because for all I know they are trying as hard as they can, without results!

Needless to say after this conversation, I just wanted to go and hide and have a good cry. But I couldn't as I had clients coming...

I am trying to stay positive and hope that our bubba might suprise us this month...It would be an absolute blessing if they did, as then we wouldn't even have to worry about DH's new roster..until it got closer to my due date..!! Hahaha..

C'mon little one..we are ready and waiting!!

Good news..well kinda

DH got a call this morning to offer him a new job. 

He applied the other week and had to get a medical done yesterday..Didn't think they would call so quickly and offer him a job though!! It's a really good opportunity as it's more money and they will hopefully train him up quickly so he can get his Drilling qualifications. One of his mates (who he has worked with previously) also works for this company and has given good reports. DH has accepted the position and when he heads back to work on Thursday he will give his notice to his current employer. He will be away for 10 days, come back for a night and then will leave the next morning to start his new job. 

Downside to this wonderful new job is that he will be back on a 14/7 roster. Right now he is extremely lucky and works even time-10/10. It's been great. He has done 14/7 before. It's bearable, but we weren't very successful in him being home at the right time of the month..

If my cycles stay about the same, then he might make it back next month in time. That would be great as I would have had the HyCoSy done and perhaps it will have worked it's magic and unblocked my tubes..and as DH keeps saying he can then 'impregnate me'...LOL

So I suppose it's good news, with a hint of bad?!?

Not much happening on the TTC front. I temped this morning but I had a really fitful sleep and my temp was very low, so I don't think it was accurate. I am still believing I am in the TWW. If I ovulated Saturday or Sunday then I am 2-3DPO. Not much happening. Been feeling a little crampy..not painful cramps though..more like a heavy sensation.

 No motivation at work today..I am over my job. It's not enough of a challenge for me and I like to be busy all the time..which I am not with this position. I would love to find something new, but I have been here almost a year and am entitled to maternity leave. It's such a cruisy job and the fact that I only work 3 days a week is so great! I figure that it's the perfect job to go back to once I have had a baby too. Very flexible, no stress and good hours...So I will grin and bear it for now.

Fertility Specialist Appointment

Our first appointment with the FS went well. He was lovely and put me at ease straight away.

Got straight down to business. Took a look at my referral letter and BT results my GP had done, then looked at DH's results (which we just had faxed over). We held our breath as he looked over DH's results as this would be our first time hearing the good/bad news. DH's results are all NORMAL!!! 

Woohoo!! So we can cross him off the problem list! 

FS asked a few questions regarding my cycles, medical history etc. All pretty straight forward. Then jumped straight in to the where to from here...

Firstly he wants me to have more bloods done..AMH (which looks at my ovarian reserve) and will have the tests done on CD22 so they can make sure I am ovulating.

Then I have a referral letter to get a HyCoSy done.

What is a HyCoSy?

Hysterosalpingo-contrast-sonography (usually shortened to HyCoSy) is a simple and well-tolerated outpatient ultrasound procedure used to assess the patency of the fallopian tubes, as well as detect abnormalities of the uterus and endometrium.

The first part of the HyCoSy is like the first part of a pap smear, with a vaginal speculum gently inserted into the vagina to visualise the cervix. The cervix is then cleansed with antiseptic solution to decrease the risk of infection. A thin flexible balloon catheter is inserted through the opening of the cervix, so that the catheter lies within the endometrial cavity. Inserting this intrauterine catheter does not usually cause discomfort. A tiny balloon at the tip of the catheter is slowly inflated with saline – this is necessary to stop fluid leaking back out through the cervix during the test. Inflating this tiny balloon can cause some discomfort. The vaginal speculum is then removed, with the catheter remaining inside the uterus. Next, the transvaginal ultrasound (internal scan through the vagina) is used to image the uterus. Initially, a small amount of sterile saline is introduced into the endometrial cavity through the catheter, as occurs with a saline sonohysterogram. This saline distends the endometrial cavity, allowing assessment of the contour and shape of the cavity. The doctor will be looking for such problems as endometrial polyps, submucous fibroids and congenital uterine abnormalities (such as uterine septum).
Next, a small amount of the contrast agent Levovist will be introduced through the catheter. The doctor will be looking at both fallopian tubes, to see if the tubes are patent. If the contrast can be seen flowing through each tube, and spilling out the end of the tube into the area around the ovaries, the tubes are patent.
The transvaginal ultrasound and catheter are removed at the end of the test.


I have to wait until next cycle (once AF has been and gone) to have this done.

If all the results come back clear from these tests, then we have to keep trying for another 3 months. Apparantly sometimes after having the HyCoSy done some women end up falling pregnant in the subsequent cycles.

Then if I am still not pregnant after those 3 months we have to go back to see him and he will do further investigation to see what the problem is. Probably scans, ultrasounds etc and then he said the next step would be stimulation drugs and then IUI.

So next step is to get BTs done next Tuesday, then HyCoSy next cycle (between CD7-10).
 

I asked him about continuing with my temping and he said not to bother. His thoughts on temping was that it is quite an old fashioned technique and not very reliable as too many things can impact the results. He said these days it is better to get scans, BTs etc to check up on ovulation.


So after all my obsessing over temping and charts..he didn't even look at them!!!

I am feeling a little let down..I think I expected too much from the first appointment, but to think of waiting another 3 months after these tests is quite frustrating. It will then put us over the 12 month TTC mark which scares me.

I just feel like despite having all normal results so far and being able to see the FS, we are getting nowhere fast and I am just tredding water..

My ticker is approaching 40 weeks of TTC..I can't believe that I could almost have a baby by now!

I am at a loss as to what to do now..I guess I get the tests done and hope there is nothing wrong. Then we just wait out the 3 months and see what happens from there. Perhaps I should be really positive and hope that I get pregnant this cycle and I don't even need to bother with the HyCoSy...

CD14..maybe 1DPO?!?

Yes, I think I am officially in the TWW. Now I just need FF to confirm this with some cross hairs. Another 2 mornings of raised temps and I should get them too!! :)

Weekend was great. We went camping and the rain mostly held off. Only a few light showers but we had set up by then so it wasn't a bother. Was nice to get away with friends and just chill out and do absolutely nothing! Well not quite nothing..but just sit and eat and drink and play cards..it was good! Didn't want to come home..although I must say I missed my comfy bed!!

So looking at my temps I think I O'd yesterday but my temp might not be entirely accurate given I had a restless nights sleep in the tent and was probably cooler than what I would be at home. Oh well. I think we BDed enough around the weekend...so we are in with a shot I suppose. Had some horrific O pain on Friday night. It was like a stitch on my right hand side around my belly button. But about 100 times more painful! Especially when I moved or bent in certain ways. We were at a friends place Friday night and at one point I almost doubled over and cried out from the pain..but I had to bite my tongue! I mean what was I going to say?!? 'Sorry, I've just got some really bad ovulation pain...' Hahahaha..It seemed to ease by the time I went to bed and by the morning it was gone. So strange!

The FS appointment is at 12:30pm. I am nervous and excited all rolled into one. Not sure what to expect. Not sure what to ask. I have printed out all my FF charts to show him and I have my test results from my GP. We just called DH's GP to see if we could come and collect his test results, but they just said the FS could call up and get them. So hopefully that's correct. Am hoping like crazy that his results are all normal. It would be nice to rule him out of our problems trying to conceive. Then the FS can focus on me. 

Well we've got stuff to do before this appointment so I better go. Wish me luck!

weekend!!

It's the weekend! YAY!!

It has been raining today, so not sure if we are still going camping or not..Will see what it's like tomorrow morning. I think DH will be very dissapointed if we can't go. He is really looking forward to it.

We had a massive fight last night..well actually it was very early this morning. He went to help a friend with a car last night and didn't get back til the wee hours of the morning. I had warned him that I may be Oing or it would be happening shortly and he's like 'yeh we will BD..I will wake you up if you're asleep'. Well he didn't wake me up. I woke up and he was in bed asleep..and the irrational crazy TTC woman took over. I was REALLY angry. Was thinking it was all his fault if we didn't conceive this month because we may have missed our shot..Totally stupid thoughts, but I just couldn't help it. I got up to go to the loo and made sure I stomped my feet and slammed the ensuite door..I wanted him to wake up. When that didn't work I kept nudging him in bed and he eventually woke up. 

It was on. We yelled and screamed..I cried. He claimed I was putting too much pressure on him (completly understandable now I am in a sane state of mind) and that he was sick of it. He went to the upstairs spare room and said he would sleep there for the rest of his time at home. Well that made me hysterical..Crazy TTC woman could only think 'oh no..another cycle wasted!!' Eventually he caved and came back to our room (our bed is way comfier than the spare one) and we went to sleep without another word.

I didn't know what to expect this morning. We woke late and I very tentatively gave him a hug and apologised. He was ok. I think he understands..and although he doesn't show it like me, I think he wants this baby as much as I do, and is just as frustrated that it is not happening to us. Needless to say we had some great make up sex...So I suppose we are still on track for BDing at least every 2nd day..I would rather it be every day around O time. 

Thinking about all that now..I hate that I become this crazy woman obsessed with having sex at the right time. It's insane. I feel so bad that I treated DH like that...and I think there have been a few other instances (not as bad) where I have done something similar. 

It sounds terrible, but I felt like I couldn't control those emotions either. My 'mummy' clock is ticking and I will do anything to get that end result...Stepping all over DH's emotions included obviously. 

I am very lucky that he is putting up with all this. Making it up to him with a nice dinner..I better go check on it!

Ovulating?

CD10 today and having some intense pains on my right hand side..wondering whether I am ovulating, or about to? I haven't always felt O pains each month, but I definately think I am this cycle. DH is home so we are of course BDing..lets hope we get lucky this cycle!

Helped DH with his 'sample' on Wednesday morning. Was my job to keep it warm as we drove it to the lab. My hands were too cold, so I stuck it in my cleavage..hahahaha! DH made me take it in too, as he was too embarassed. He was nice enough not to complain about doing the SA, so I am very grateful. Hoping we can get the results before our FS appointment on Monday, or at least have them faxed to the FS so they are there when we turn up. 

Our 3rd Wedding Anniversary was yesterday. Can't believe it's been 3 years since our wedding. I got home from work yesterday and DH suprised me with a big bunch of flowers! Thought that was gorgeous as I have only received flowers from him two or three times in the almost 8 years that we have been together!! :) We got thai food takeaway and snuggled up on the couch for the night. It was nice just to have him home. He was at work last year. 

We are off camping on Saturday with friends. Looking forward to getting away from home (at least for a night or 2) and just relaxing. DH loves camping so he is rapt that I agreed to go! He has only taken me a few times and its always been a disaster, so hoping this time there are no incidents!! Also hoping the rain stays away. 

So I could possibly be in the TWW in the next few days...another miserable 2 weeks of reading into symptoms and getting my hopes up. Going to try not to obsess over my FF chart too much, but will continue with temps as I want to be able to show the FS. Also its nice to see the crosshairs and that I actually have ovulated.

unmotivated and no energy,,,

Having a flat day. No motivation and no energy. I didn't drag myself out of bed this morning until after 11am. I just couldn't be bothered getting up earlier so just lay there and read. 

I am up now..but still in PJs and trying to muster up the motivation to do the housework. Seems like way too much effort...2 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, dining/lounge, kitchen, TV room and a study...ugh! Where do I even start?!?! The biggest mess is the dog hair..it's everywhere!! The dog sheds like crazy and his coat is really coarse and sticks to everything! Total nightmare to clean up. I swear I need to vacum daily to try and de-fur everything. I am tempted to shave him, but he would look so sad.

Nothing much on the TTC front. AF has finally left-yay! So now it's waiting for ovulation. DH will be home tomorrow, so I think we will just have to get busy...Need to get to the chemist and get some pre-seed too.

Well I suppose I should stop procrastinating and just get this housework done. I also want to bake something yummy for DH and I need to get some groceries. I think DH is sick of coming home to a completely bare fridge and pantry...

CD6

I think AF has officially left..had some more spotting this morning, but nothing since. Good timing as DH is home Tuesday! 

Quiet day today. Went to visit my grandmother. We found out the other day that she has lung cancer. Bit of a shock to the family. We knew something was up as she has been having lots of tests done. but it's taken weeks for the doctor to diagnos exactly what was wrong. My mum is quite upset about it, as her dad died a few years ago from cancer also. Not sure what the next step is from here. She is turning 83 this year so I don't know what kind of treatments she will be able to handle. She was looking pretty good today. A bit sore and slow as she had to have her lungs drained which involves surgery and stitches..I think she is really glad to be home though.

I went to the BBQ last night and actually had a good time. There were not as many couples there as what I imagined which was nice. Made me feel less out of place. Almost everyone was drinking so of course all very friendly and talkative! I only had 1 as I had to drive myself home (another downside of not having DH around!!). Ended up being a late one and I didn't get home until just before midnight. I am glad I decided to venture out of the house...need to do it more often.

Very excited that in 2 more sleeps I will be picking DH up from the airport. It is going to be a busy 10 days home for him. Gotta get his 'sample' for the SA done ASAP, our 3rd wedding anniversary on Wednesday and I am hoping we can at least go out for a nice meal somewhere, camping that weekend (hopefully) and then our FS appointment. Plus somewhere before the FS appointment (but after SA is done) DH needs to squeeze in a visit to his GP to get all his results. 

One down side to DH being home is that I am sure his sister will be in contact..which means I will hear more news about her pregnancy...I really don't want to hear about it. Hopefully I won't have to see her though...

CD5

I think AF is almost done. Down to spotting now, so I am glad to see the end of her. This has been the longest and heaviest AF since I came off the pill last August. Perhaps my body has finally cleaned itself out properly and now it's ready to be pregnant?!? A few of the BH girls have said that their AFs before their BFP were really heavy and painful...so here's hoping!

I was reading a pregnancy diary on BH this morning, and this woman is having her 3rd baby and has found out its a boy. She already has 2 boys and was talking about how angry and upset she is that she isn't having a girl. 

This upsets me. 

She is about to have her 3rd child. I am struggling to be able to have one.

I would be happy to just fall pregnant at this point in time, and honestly could not care if we were blessed with a boy or a girl. I can't believe that someone would be that upset over the sex of a baby..Ok fair enough every mother would like a little girl..but come on! There are people out there that are not even able to have one. She should be counting herself lucky that she is up to number 3!!!!

Just gets to me..Sorry about the rant.

No plans for the weekend. Meant to be going to a friends birthday BBQ & drinks tonight. But I don't know if I will go. Everyone will be in couples and I am still not used to going to stuff like that when DH is away. Makes me feel awkward when everyone is sitting with their other halves..and then there's me. Will see how I feel tonight.

the wheels are in motion...

I got my referral for the FS!! 

I made the call as soon as I got home as I was expecting to be told there would be a 2-3 month wait (as there often is with specialists). The lady I spoke to was lovely and very understanding that I had to try and organise an appointment around DH's work rosters. She offered me an appointment next week, but after discussing it with her I figured we should get DH's SA done before we show up. So then I figured we wouldn't be able to get in until next time DH is home which is May and then she said the doctor is away most of May..My heart sank. Then she said what about Monday the 19th? Will your husband still be home?

Yes! He will be!! So our first appointment is the 19th. So only a week and a bit away...I can't believe it. It makes it all so real now. But it also makes me feel lighter, like taking this step has taken the weight of TTC off my shoulders. Hopefully we can get some answers very soon and we will see those magical 2 lines in no time..

And in the mean time we will keep trying...you never know what will happen!

what now?

I just read over my post from last night..pity party for 1?!? I guess we are all entitled to that every now and again, though for me at the moment it seems that it happens too regularly for my likely. I blame the crazy TTC lady that hides inside me and pops out whenever she feels like it. 

I am feeling better today. 

In my moment of self pity yesterday, I forgot to mention that one of my lovely BubHubber friends got her much waited for BFP yesterday!! So excited for her and do hope that this is her sticky bubba.

I did decide yesterday when I wasn't moping, that I need something else to occupy my thoughts. Something else to obsess over (in a much healthier way then TTC). I have been umming and ahhing about doing some further study for some time now. I have done all the reasearch. Figured out which universities offer distance education. Decided what I would like to study. The only thing I have not done is taken the plunge and applied...

So I have decided that I will apply for mid year intake. I got the application forms off the website and tomorrow I will fill them in and get all the extra documents needed (certified copy of uni results etc) and send off my application. 

I am quite excited. 

Perhaps this is what I need to take my mind off babies, or more to the point the lack of babies. It will also stop my brain from turning to mush as I feel it slowly is due to the lack of stimulation in my current job. I am also nervous, as I know studying via distance can be challenging. But I feel I am ready for a new challenge.

On the TTC front-have found out DH will be home Tuesday. So he will be back in time for our 3rd wedding anniversary and be around for O time! Perhaps we may be blessed with a baby conceived on our anniversary? I can only hope. 

Off to the doctor tomorrow. Need to make a decision on which FS I would like the referral for. Will book DH in to see his GP so that he can get these blood results. I also need to call up the blood place to find out an appropriate time to bring DH's sperm sample in. Apparantly you need to arrange a suitable time to bring this type of sample in...I guess because it can't be stored for long. 

Still debating about this cycles approach. I figure I will keep up temping until I see the FS. At least I will have quite a number of charts to show them, and they will see that I have been pro active. I don't know if I will bother with OPKs. I think I will just tell DH that we need to BD every day (or perhaps every 2nd) while he is home...I am sure he will not have any problems with this approach! Hahaha..

CD2

I am struggling to bounce back from the unwanted arrival of AF. For me it gets harder each month to pick myself and keep going with this madness. If I didn't want a baby so badly then I would walk away from TTC. It is not enjoyable. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. 

I live my life in 2 week incriments. 'Before O' & 'After O'. I spend my days waiting..waiting for AF to finish, waiting to O, then the dreaded TWW. And then it starts all over again. Month after month. 

I am confused about what my plan of attack should be for this new cycle. I think DH will be home around the right time. Not that this has helped in the past..

So do I over prepare? Buy up on OPKs, keep temping and get some pre-seed? Try anything and everything possible that might help us conceive? Or do I do the opposite, and do absolutely nothing???

I know either way I will be kicking myself by the time the TWW comes around, because I will be either so stressed out from doing all the extra stuff and obsessing over OPKs and temps...OR I will be freaking out because I don't know if we have BDed at the right time or if I have even ovulated...So damned if I do, damned if I don't.

My other thought is perhaps it doesn't matter what we do because there is something wrong with one (or both) of us and we have no chance that we will ever conceive until the problem is fixed by a doctor. It freaks me out when I think of this, because to think that these past 9 cycles have been a waste, that all the temping, OPKs and preseed bought, has been money down the drain...and we never had a chance. 

I try and make these thoughts leave quite quickly.

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the day I will get my BFP. And then I tell myself off for wanting to wish my life away...But I know that the day I see those 2 lines will be the happiest day of my life (bar our wedding day). I think I would be willing to fast forward through life to get to that moment. It may sound like a waste of my life, but right now life doesn't seem to crash hot anyways so I don't think I would miss much.

How much longer is this going to take???????

CD1..yup right back at the beginning...AGAIN

Another temp drop this morning, and then a few hours later who should come calling but the evil b@!$%#! 

At least my hopes weren't too high after the 2 temp drops. 

But still..it's official-no 2010 baby for us. 

If this wasn't enough to ruin my day. DH then gets a call from work to say he is going back. They gave us less than 2 hours notice of his flight, so it was a mad rush to get all his gear together and hit the road. The drive to the airport takes about an hour (with good traffic). So kind of them to give us plenty of notice (note my sarcasm). 

DH also called his doctor about his BT that he did last week. He was told that he needed to make an appointment, as the doctor wanted to discuss his results...This generally means bad news, so I am now freaking out about this also. Have to wait another 10-12 days until DH comes home again to find out. 

To top it all off AF is being awful and painful. Dosing up on painkillers seems to have subsided the pain which is a relief. 

So off to the doctor on Friday to get my FS referral letter. Looks like we will be needing it.

Onwards to cycle #10 and month 9 of TTC. I can honestly say that I never thought it was going to take this long.

CD26 / 10DPO

Well I was getting all excited as my temps kept rising over the weekend...and then today a massive temp drop below coverline. 

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 

Couple this with some browny tinged CM and cramps and I think AF is on her way :-(

I could get my hopes up and think it's implantation bleeding..but I have done that before only to be dissapointed. It will be enough of a let down when AF makes her arrival without adding positive thinking into the mix. 

So since that letdown this morning I have done nothing. DH has gone out fishing and I have stayed home. Been stuffing myself with Easter eggs and now I feel better. Must be all the chocolate, because I have nothing else to feel good about today.

DH still has not had a phone call to say when he will be going back to work. I was counting on first thing this morning, waking us up and expecting him to be at the airport in an hour (which is only doable in the wee hours of the morning when there is no traffic). But nothing yet. He thinks he will get told this afternoon and that the flight will be in the early hours of tomorrow morning. That would be right. Means that I have to get up super early and then drive myself back and go to work...BAH to that. 

I survived a lunch at SIL's house on Saturday. DH and I got into a fight about it that morning as I did not want to go. But he won. 

We got there late and under the impression that it was to be a big family lunch with lots of the relos. Got there to see no other cars parked out the front of their house. She lied. It was just us, her, her husband, his sister and the MIL. Yippee!! (please note sarcasim)

Was stuck sitting around a table. No where to go. Ate straight away. No talking required. Once the food was finished it was another story. 

Baby talk. Constantly. She could not shut up. And everytime someone changed the topic of discussion, she would turn it back on her again. She can not stand to not be centre of attention. It is infuriating.

I could not bring myself to join in on the baby talk. I just grit my teeth and listened. She is already buying up everything. Has already started organising a nursery. Asking people to be godparents. Personally I think it is a bit premature. I mean she is probably only about 4 weeks along, and after hanging around on BubHub for so long, I have seen that just because you got that BFP on a stick, does not mean you will be getting a baby in 9 months time. And she did tell DH the other day that her levels were quite low in her BT reasults the other day and that the doctor wanted her to get more done this week....I mean I think she is jumping the gun just slightly..especially with all the people she has told. 

I just sat there in silence pretty much the entire time. DH held my hand under the table which I appreciated. SIL was acting so strange..almost manic. Crazy laughing (over EVERYTHING) and talking so fast. I have often wondered whether she is an undiagnosed bipolar, as over the years she has acted like it quite often. 

DH managed to get us out of there after about 2 hours. It was a relief to leave. Hopefully we won't be expected to go back there anytime soon. Perhaps DH will feel that his duty has been fulfilled for awhile....

CD22/6DPO

Yes you read right..6DPO!! 

I played around with my FF chart this morning, and after I took out my first temp of the cycle (which was really low and out of place) it changed my O day to CD16 (from CD8)!!!!!!!!!!!! Which means we have a shot this month!!! We BDed 2 days before O and on O day, so hopefully it's all we need to get our much waited for BFP.

I am super excited now that I am back in the running for a 2010 baby! It does not bother me in the least that the baby would be due in December...I really don't care when our baby would be born..as long as he/she is healthy! Infact I figure if I was to get my BFP I would rather be having morning sickness now it's getting cooler, than to be feeling sick all day in the heat. 

Probably getting a little ahead of myself, but trying to be positive. Not reading into 'symptoms'...yet. The cramping I had the other days has stopped..so my only thought has been maybe it was implantation cramps? Asides from that I am not feeling anything different. But it's early days yet, and plenty of time to get into the swing of the TWW crazies! Hehehehe...

Hoping having DH home over the Easter weekend will take my mind off it a little. Still no plans, but we usually decide stuff pretty last minute anyways.