Ho-hum

CD7 which means only one more day of letrozole!!!

Today side effects haven't been too bad. No headaches, just nausea, mood swings and hot flushes. Perhaps tomorrow will be even better?!?

Did some more uni stuff today and also caught up with a friend for coffee. We took our dogs down to the dog park first and I ended up in a fight with this old guy! Well it was more him screaming in my face while I tried to remain calm and not smack him in the face! He was so rude!!

Now I remember why I stopped going there...some people think they own the park and can make their own rules. Plus some are way too over protective of their dogs..it's quite sad.

I am quite proud of myself that I didn't stoop to his level and yell back.

Tomorrow is my grandmas 83rd birthday and we are having a lunch up at her place. She has been a bit down lately so hopefully this will cheer her up. This also means we will be taking her to see Mamma Mia soon!! Very exciting!!






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flat

Our little TTC group had some wonderful news the other morning! It's been a long time coming too....

Nani got a BFP!!!

It's so nice to see someone who has been  through so much, and has waited so long, can finally have their happy ending! I am sending positive vibes her way. I so hope this bubba is extra sticky for her.

I am now hoping for a trifecta of positives...Green Sprout next and then me! In a perfect world this would be how it worked anyways...

_______________________________

In not so happy news-Letrozole is still giving me hell this cycle.

-headaches
-hot flushes
-nausea
-mood swings (super sized)

It all seems worse than last cycle, well more intense is probably a better word.

I am still having trouble sleeping too. This is a combination of being too hot/too cold and the nausea. Plus my over active brain...

Decided last night to have a bubble bath and destress...it worked for awhile and I was able to switch off. Then stupid brain decides to get back to work and begins over thinking again. First thought that sprang to mind 'I will want to sell this house if we can't have children. I can't stand to live here with all these extra rooms if we can't fill them with babies'.

SERIOUSLY...BRAIN! GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!

This was enough to set off the water works and ruined the relaxation of the bath.

_______________________

Today I just feel flat. Not up, not down...just blaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I managed to get in contact with the psych I found. She sounds nice enough over the phone. The earliest appointment I could get was for 2 weeks time-Friday the 13th weirdly enough. I found out she also works through one of the IVF clinics here (infact I think its the one my FS works with), so she should know her stuff. Will be helpful to already be in contact with her if we do have to go down the IVF road too.

I am wishing I could have got an earlier appointment, but this will have to do. I am sure I can struggle my way through the next 2 weeks. Once I stop the Letrozole the mood swings may stop and I won't feel so shitty anymore...that will help.

So glad I worked up the courage (and was encouraged) to make the phone call. It's almost a relief that soon I will have another professional onboard to help me through this journey. Perhaps I can shed some of this emotional baggage and make myself feel a bit lighter.

Downside is, she charges $140 an hour (oooo something to look forward to once I complete my studies and become a registered psych!!) but I should be able to claim some back through our Private Heath Cover. She better be worth it!!

Well, I better stop procrastinating and get back to my uni work.

1 serving of courage please!

Trying to work up the courage to make an appointment with a psychologist.

I have found one in my local area that specialises in fertility issues and she also does hypnotherapy. After Green Sprouts positive experience, I feel it can't hurt to give something a try.

I need to work through some of these feelings that TTC has brought up, plus I need a way to take back some control. It can't be all about TTC-especially if we are in this for another long haul. I will go insane otherwise.

I just need the courage to pick up the phone...


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emotions

Day 2 of Letrozole and the side effect list is growing!

-headaches
-nausea
-dizziness
-hot flushes 

 It's miserable!! The worst for me is feeling nauseous. I hate being sick or feeling sick.

Plus I think the crazy mood swings are making an appearance too. I have been feeling extremely emotional today, which wasn't helped by SIL posting her 3D scan pics up on Facebook....

I think for a long while there I didn't actually believe she was pregnant. Infact (due to her past history) I thought it was all a big story, and she would eventually tell everyone she had miscarried. But I was wrong...she will have a baby in her arms by Christmas. 

I won't. 

There is not even a guarantee that I will be pregnant by Christmas. Infact, we might be preparing to start our first IVF cycle in January after 3 failed IUI cycles. 


Yes-I am getting somewhat ahead of myself.
Yes-we may get lucky before it comes to IVF.


BUT...

I have to prepare myself for worst case scenarios. I can't carry on all light hearted and sunshine. I am trying to take it one cycle at a time..but my brain likes to think 12 steps in front...which means thinking about SIL and how I will manage if we are no closer to a baby once she has given birth to hers. 

One day my brain is going to explode from all this over thinking...

DING DING DING-Round 2!

Let the battle begin!

First day for letrozole and I am now waiting for the crazy, drug induced hormones to start...I wonder if it will be better or worse than last month.

I must say I am liking DH's week on, week off roster...it is working in very well with my cycles and he hasn't missed ovulation for awhile now! -cue cheers-

Next week it will be all systems go again with lots of sex on the agenda. Once again, you will not hear DH complaining about this!!

I have worked out that if this cycle is a bust, then next time I will ovulate while we are on our holidays!! Perhaps we are destined to make a holiday baby?!? Or perhaps the stupid adage of 'relax' will prove it's point?!?

Either way, I would prefer this cycle to work thanks very much...as tempting as conceiving a baby in Fiji is!




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CD2

Thankfully the pain has eased substantially and I am back on regular Advil (though I haven't needed much today). AF seems to have lightened up too which I am grateful for.

Took DH to the airport today. He is off for another weeks stint at work.

Felt a little bummed as I drove away, but keep reminding myself it is only a week and I have plenty to keep me busy!!!

Getting into my uni work has been harder than I thought! I am so used to having extra time to do nothing...now I need to use it to do readings and work on assignments. I am sure I will get into the swing of things soon-it's only week 2 after all!

Some exciting news-we booked our flights last night for our holiday!! We are off to Fiji at the beginning of September for a short break. Both of us are looking forward to it immensely. It's been a long time between holidays, and it's been a tough year...some sun, sand and relaxation is just what we need right now.

Soooooo...let the count down begin to holiday time!!!!!!!


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Just to add to my misery

Today is officially CD1 of cycle 14.

And AF is even more painful than last month. I could barely move this morning and had to send DH to the chemist to bring back something stronger than the Advil I had in the cupboard. Don't know what I would have done if he wasn't here..I would not have been able to get dressed, get to the car and drive..by the time he left I was crying in pain.

Once I got the stronger stuff into me it took about 40 mins and a burning hot heat pack for me to be able to sit up in bed without wincing in pain.

Another 20 minutes or so and I was able to get some uni stuff done..but I did not move from the bed til about 4pm.

Showered, took more pain killers and made it to my parents for Sunday roast. Yum yum!

Cramps are still there but drugs seem to be doing there job as long as I have them regularly.

I am contemplating going back to my FS to get this investigated further...it can't be normal. I am not due to see him until he reviews me after my 3 months on letrozole is up which will be around the end of September/early October (unless I am UTD before then). I don't think I can handle another period like this so it's something to consider.

In other news, DH is back to work tomorrow. Another week away, but again luckily it times in well for my 'fertile' times and when the FS wants us to have sex..let's see if round 2 is more successful!

I have actually coped better with the fail this month then what I thought. I didn't cry, didn't have a tanty and haven't spiraled too far down into the depths of despair. I think I was too busy being in total agony...

Had a little bitch to DH and said it's not fair, and he agreed. He actually seemed quite disappointed and as each step brings us closer to IUI & IVF he seems to be more willing to talk about it and definitely seems to be on board if that's the road we end up taking. Hoping it's not, but it's nice to know he is on the same page!

So I will carry on the same as last month.

-letrozole CD3-8
-metformin twice daily
-sex CD12, 14 & 16 (minimum)
-try not to obsess too much in between...

Not much else we can do. And at least I have uni and the organising of our holiday to distract me further.


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Body, why do you taunt me?

IC test = BFN
FRER= BFN ( but started with a white line appearing within first few mins where the 2nd line should be...making me wonder what was going on but it disappeared so now it looks like every other negative test)

Cramps are slowly starting. I am sure AF is not far now...unless she wants to mess with my head a little bit more.

Why does my body do this to me??

TTC is bad enough without your own body playing mean tricks on you.

Today we have passed the 51 week mark too.

51 weeks and 1 day.

Completely lost my optimism now.

This stinks.

I can't stand this month after month of getting nothing, getting nowhere.

No one warns you of thus when you embark on this journey. Because for most people it doesn't turn into a journey-it's just a short ride and pregnancy is the long haul...

Not for me. I will spend more time trying to conceive a baby then carrying one.

What a joke!

And no one can tell me how much longer this will take. I want an end date but that's not possible. Right now it's live in 3 months increments.

3 months on the drugs.
3 months of IUI.
Then IVF...which can take longer than 3 months...way longer.

This is too depressing. Where's a magic wand when you need one?!?


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Ummm...??

CD28..not CD1

Huh????

This is a new one. No sign of AF at all today plus the cramps which got quite intense last night have stopped...

Either she is messing with my head......OR.....

.......we have succeeded???????

I am remaining cautiously optimistic. I have been fooled before. But the spotting that stopped and started is different..

All I can say is that I am praying to the universe...hoping it is my turn.

Test in the morning if AF is still a no show.

Most likely I will be back in the morning saying 'OMG I was an idiot-AF turned up'.

But hey, I can dream!


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a resounding FAIL

Hate to say I told you so...but....

......spotting and cramps have started.

My guess is tomorrow will be CD1.

So cycle #13 is officially a bust.
First cycle on drugs is a bust.

My body=retarded...

Onwards to cycle #14 and a year of TTC.

Never thought I would be here. Never in my wildest dreams.
Funny how life turns out and kicks you in the guts over and over again...and then continues to kick you when you are down.

Feeling somewhat numb. Sure that won't last long...then there will be the crying, the yelling and screaming and then a general gloominess for several days...

Then thats when I am meant to pick myself up, dust myself off and be prepared to do this whole silly routine over again....

Now to tell DH...

CD27

BFN on an IC this morning.

Not much else to say...


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CD26...umm?!?

Well here I am...CD26...waiting, wondering and hoping! 


AF could (from history) turn up anytime from now...cycles on average are 26 days...so we'll see what the meds do with this!


CM still dried up. Cramps stopped. Very bloated. Nothing much else....


The question running through my mind 24/7 at the moment is...'Am I or aren't I??' 


Stay tuned...

 

Progesterone

45...from what I remember that's what my progesterone was when I had the BT before I was on meds....

I wonder if it should have made it higher????


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CD25...waiting and wondering

So no AF...yet.

I am still convinced she is coming though. Not so much cramping today but CM still gone and I am now super bloated, which is usually another sure fire sign AF is circling the neighborhood.

I'm not giving up all hope..just preserving my sanity and being realistic. I don't know what the stats are on drugs working first time round, but I'm sure it's not high.

DH is home so I will once again have him to hold me up if we don't get the news we are desperately hoping for. He hasn't asked what is happening and I haven't bought it up willingly. I have said I am waiting for BT results to confirm I am ovulating but didn't want to burden him with my thoughts that it hasn't worked this month either...

I called the FS earlier for my BT results. He of course called back while I was with a client..so now I suppose I have to call again! Not that I am overly concerned...he made it quite clear that he thought I had ovulated when I had my internal last week. I am more interested in the numbers to compare with pre meds!

Not much else...I don't feel pregnant so I suppose that's what is making me sway strongly to the opinion that AF is indeed coming...surely I would have some sort of 'feeling' to the contrary otherwise?!?!

Only time will tell...so I will end with this...

PISS OFF AF!!!! YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE!!!!!!!!!


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End of the line?

Think this month is a bust.

CM has dried up.
Had some slight cramps on and off today.
All usually signs AF is on her way.

I am more than a little disappointed. I suppose there was always the hope at the back of my mind that we would conceive first month on meds. You can't help but wish for that to happen...and I suppose for some couples it actually does work out this way!

But not for us by the looks of things...

Another blow to my faltering positivity.
Another thing for me to shed some tears over.
Another cycle down the drain.

How many more before we get our happy ending??????

So it looks as if we will well and truly pass the 12 month mark before we see those mythical 2 pink lines...

Blah..why do I let myself even get my hopes up a little?!? It's hurts coming down, even if it's only a little way...and on the way down all your happy day dream bubbles burst...

Won't say anything to DH til AF shows up...no point in both of us being upset.


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SIL made her announcement today...they are having a girl.

It feels like the universe is rubbing it in my face even harder that I am not pregnant after close to a year of trying.

Seriously, what have I done to deserve this heartache? Am I being punished by being forced to ride this roller coaster ride of emotions month after month?!?

To add to my pain this morning I popped onto BubHub and saw my ticker has rolled over to 50 weeks and 2 days!!!! 2 more weeks and I hit the year mark...

One more week and I should know if we have been successful on the first cycle of drugs..

To be perfectly honest I am not expecting a miracle. And if we are...well I will be going out and buying a lottery ticket!

My crazy dreams are apparently normal in the TWW after taking fertility drugs. GS mentioned that she has experienced this on her few cycles on clomid, so assuming letrozole is similar.

Still have lots of CM but I had this last month and we all know how that ended, so no point getting my hopes up there!

Nothing else worth mentioning. Nausea is part and parcel of the metformin now so can't say it's a symptom either...

I was an idiot and tested this morning...BFN of course. I am a glutton for punishment!

The crazy dreams are so intense. Last night I dreamt I was in a car accident...it was so real. I woke up feeling quite distraught and was feeling myself over for the injuries. The other night it was aliens taking over the world.

I never (or rarely) remember my dreams so this is very bizarre for me! And all of them feel quite real. Ugh! Crazy hormones!!!

DH is home tomorrow so a good thing happening!


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ups and downs

CD21...somewhere in the TWW and doing my best not to let the crazies invade my headspace!!


Have had 2 days with heaps (and I mean heaps) of watery/lotiony CM. It's been enough to make my knickers wet...(keep forgetting a panty liner)


I am also having lots of crazy, vivid dreams...all seem so realistic too! I had a dream about POAS too which made me want to get up this morning and test...silly! But I held strong and didn't!!


All of this stuff could or couldn't be pregnancy related... Wish it was time to test..


Had a lazy start to the day and stayed in bed til lunch time. Was having a bit of a blaaah moment over some stupid stuff which made me want to stay in bed and have a pity party...BUT I got myself up and did the housework! Also printed out some uni stuff so I can get started on my first weeks readings. So I turned the day around, though nearly messed it up again when I spoke to DH this afternoon on the phone.


I am not sure why but I just started to get really cranky and upset with everything he was saying (and he definately WAS NOT saying anything awful). He was unimpressed and almost hung up on me...but didn't! The conversation picked up after my spin out thank goodness! DH's comment of course was 'maybe you're pregnant!' but I quickly told him not to get excited!


Hopefully booking our holiday next week. Just gotta sort out a few minor details!

gastrointestinal problems..oh and CD19

Metformin is NOT my friend. It is wrecking havoc with my stomach and today was especially bad.

I actually thought I had escaped the worst of it today. Felt a little nauseous, but at around 2pm it hit me...hard! And I must say it is NOT fun to try and walk calmly through the office to make it to the loo on time... Yuk!!!

I am trying to look on the bright side of it though...I have definitely been eating less as I am either not interested in food as I'm feeling unwell, or when I do eat it fills me up more than it normally would so I am not hungry. So perhaps I will lose some weight?!?! It's kind of like an enforced diet...

My weekend is once again here... which I am very pleased about. 4 days off!

I plan to get a head start on some readings for uni, and I MUST clean the house! It desperately needs doing...and I have avoided it for too long! Stupid, because now it will take me twice as long!

Still having issues deciding on holiday accomodation. Getting some quotes from a travel agent my mum uses...so hopefully she will have some good ideas!! I must say I am very excited at the concept of a holiday..it's been such a long time! I can hardly imagine being somewhere completely new and just being able to relax!!

Seems like it's been awhile since I blogged...but it hasn't really!

I guess I am in the TWW...of course I don't know how many DPO I am so no obsessing over when I can test etc etc etc. I am CD18 so there's another 8-10 days before I can expect AF. And that's if my cycles stay the same now that I am on meds.

I am still upholding my no checking of CM or CP. This is something I begin to obsess over once in the TWW, so it's a nice change to be laid back and not worried! I am going to try extremely hard not to read into so called 'symptoms' this time round either.

I DO NOT WANT TO GET MY HOPES UP!!!!!

Yeah yeah I probably say this every month...but this time I have been sticking to these things. I didn't use OPKs, I didn't try and temp, I didn't obsess over ovulation. I am doing well!

I am still in a really good frame of mind too. It's such a nice change after being so down and depressed for so long. It's nice to be happy and not stressing about TTC every waking minute.

Yes, I am still having moments during the day (and night) where all I can think about is how much this sucks and wondering if I will ever hold my own baby in my arms, but I am trying to limit this to mere fleeting thoughts.

I am sick of spending my days feeling miserable when I can't do anything more than what I am doing to have a baby. And again I will reiterate that it helps to know where we are going with all this. That we have a clear timeline of what we try and for how long. It makes this easier to bear in a weird way.

I have also been keeping busy trying to organise our holiday. We have swapped from Bali to Fiji as flights to Bali were a bit too expensive for a 5 day trip. I am getting frustrated trying to coordinate DHs flights to and from work with the holiday flights though...plus there is an overwhelming choice of places to stay and I have no idea where is best! We don't know anyone who has stayed over there either that I can ask questions. I am sure I will sort something out. I have to hurry up though...we are headed off at the end of August!!

I think a holiday will help my state of mind too (and DHs). Some relaxation and couple time won't go astray!

I am hoping our little TTC group will have some good news soon from Shel. She is painfully waiting it out in the TWW. Everything crossed that this is her month!!

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Ick

Of course it has to happen on a night where I have to work the next day...I am feeling miserably sick. Definitely a metformin side effect as it kicked in not long after I took my 2nd dose with dinner.

Started with nausea. Nausea subsided and replaced with cramps. Cramps turned into diarrhea (sorry way TMI!!) and thought I was ok. However nausea has returned 10 fold.

Feel like I am on the verge of vomiting but know this won't happen as I don't vomit..(whole other story re: my vomit phobia).

So I am lying here in bed, hoping I can fall asleep soon and forget how crumby I am feeling.

I hope my body adjusts to the metformin soon...or at least doesn't experience the side effects so strongly.

But really, if this gets us a baby then it is a small price to pay. Plus as I keep telling myself it is good practice for morning sickness...which would also be worth it as the end result would be our own bubba.

I will keep blogging to try and distract myself....

Spoke to DH tonight. He is not impressed with his accommodation. Apparently the camp is really full so he has ended up in what he is calling a 'dog box'. Pretty much a tiny room with a bed. No shower or toilet. DH is not happy...plus he has to try and stay up as long as he can tonight as he starts night shift tomorrow. Gotta try and get his body clock sorted.

I don't envy him.

He is being overly optimistic about this cycle now that he has heard the drugs worked. I told him he can get his hopes up thus time as I am sick of being let down. He sounds genuinely excited which is gorgeous! He will make such a proud daddy when we finally have a baby! This baby will be so doted on and totally adored by us once it finally arrives (not to mention it's extended family).

Ok I think I am going to try and get some sleep...

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*last post was titled 'here comes the sun'...this song was playing in the car on the way home from my appointment and it seemed fitting*

Here Comes The Sun

The Beatles

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,



and I say it's all right






Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter


Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here


Here comes the sun, here comes the sun


and I say it's all right






Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces


Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here


Here comes the sun, here comes the sun


and I say it's all right






Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...


Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...


Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...


Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...


Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...






Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting


Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear


Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,


and I say it's all right


It's all right

here comes the sun...

I am back from my FS appointment and feeling good.

He did my scan (yay for dildo cam!) and is impressed with how well the drugs worked!!!! Pointed out a very thick looking endometrium (about 7mm I think he said) plus what looked like a corpus luteum (think he said it was about 2.5cm). So I have ovulated!! He didn't see anything bad in regards to my PCOS diagnosis so I am assuming I have a mild case (if there is such a thing).

Now its up to my body to do its job and implant me a baby!! Hahahaha...Anyways, he said its all very positive so I suppose you never know your luck.

I was much happier with how this appointment went. He was great at pointing things out during the scan and I got to ask my questions without being rushed out the door. I will go for a BT on Monday to check my progesterone levels so he can verify I did indeed ovulate and then I suppose I wait it out until AF is meant to arrive...

I will be on Metformin indefinately while TTC. Once pregnant he said its a different story and doctors have varying opinions on this...I couldn't be bothered asking more at this point in time...I figure we can cross that bridge when/if we come to it! Just hoping my body adjusts soon so I am not feeling crappy all the time. I suppose its good practice for morning sickness anyways....!

I am also pleased to report that we now have an action plan. I now know where we are headed on this crazy TTC journey, and I must say it's a big relief and has given me a weird peace of mind in a way....

We will do 3 cycles on Letrozole.
If no success then we proceed to IUI with Letrozole for 3 more cycles.
If we still have no success then it will be onto IVF.

So by October (and my 26th birthday) we could be on to our 1st cycle of IUI, and by the new year we could be on the road to IVF.

6 months...

I am desperately hoping it does not get to this point...that it will not take this long or this much more effort to get us our baby..but if that's what the universe has planned for us-then so be it.

Part of me is being extremely optimistic and hoping that we will fall this cycle. That the Letrozole was all my body needed to kick it into action.

A bigger part is being cautious and thinking by the 3rd cycle of Letrozole we should see our BFP.

An even bigger part is thinking IUI is what will be needed.

Only time will tell what road we will be going down, but for now I am satisfied knowing we have a direction, a plan and we are in the good hands of a specialist.

Today I am feeling hopeful.

I haven't felt like this in a long time...so I am going to make it last as long as I possibly can.

CD15

We have almost made it through our BDing marathon..just need to get a session in tomorrow before DH leaves and we have covered CD12, 14 & 16 (along with CD10 & 11). Hopefully that covers all bases....and perhaps makes a baby?!?! (I can dream!)

FS tomorrow for my ulstrasound and to ask my hundreds of questions. I really want to know:

-how long will I be on Metformin (as my stomach is still not liking it)?
-how many cycles will we try Letrozole for?
-where to next if the drugs don't work?
-do I definately have PCOS (which I am hoping the u/s will reveal)?
-will I need a Lap done, and if so-when?
-can I have a CD21 blood test? (and for further cycles on Letrozole be monitored with u/s & BTs)?

I think that will definately satisfy me if I can get all of that answered and explained...

Can't believe DH is back to work tomorrow. His time home goes way too quickly. But hopefully his time at work will go just as fast and he will be home before I know it.

Friday night out was fun. I drank a bottle of wine which is unusual for me (not a big drinker) but I spaced it out over the evening so felt fine. The BBQ last night was cancelled so got to spend another night cuddled on the couch with DH watching movies which was fine by me! Today DH is working on his car...hopefully he will be done soon. We are still headed out to dinner tonight with my family. Looking forward to it. The restaurant is meant to be amazing. My sister is raving about it..and she is a chef, so it must be good!

Not much else. I must say I am enjoying the not caring about when I ovulate deal!! No stress! Just sex...hahahaha! Perhaps this is the 'relax' approach that everyone craps on about?!?! Oh well...if it gets me pregnant then I will be a very happy girl.

textbooks, sex & holidays

All is going to plan. Have had sex CD 10, 11 & 12...with no signs of stopping!!!

Well actually we are going out for drinks tonight...so I suppose it depends on how much DH drinks! I am happy if only end up getting 2 more sessions on CD14 & 16. I will be satisfied that we have tried our best!

Slept in this morning and then we headed down the beach to give the dog a run. It was sooooo windy down there, but nice to be out in the fresh air. No one was down there, so pretty much had the beach to ourselves! And because it was low tide...there was lots of room for doggy to run. He has such a great time!

Have spent the rest of the day relaxing at home. Nothing special..but gotta enjoy the time doing nothing as its going to be a busy few nights. Tonight we are off to dinner and drinks (though I think it will be more drinks) at a friends place.  This friend of DH's can drink..alot...and when DH is with him..he likes to drink...alot. So it will be interesting to say the least!

Tomorrow we are off to a BBQ (and drinks) at another friends place. This will be a lot more low key..and hopefully a few less drinks! Then Sunday night we are headed out for dinner with my family for a belated birthday celebration for my sister. I think its going to be food and alcohol overload this weekend!!

Uni starts in a week and a bit. I am excited and nervous all at once! I have ordered all my textbooks, so just need to wait for them to arrive. There goes almost $400!! But its an investment and I will be able to claim it next year on my tax return..so it's not so bad I suppose. Don't think DH was very impressed...but he knows it will be worth it in the long run!

We are also trying to organise a holiday!! So exciting as our last holiday was in 2006! I am also still waiting for a honeymoon..so this very well could be it! DH has decided that he is tired of postponing and putting it off. We will use our tax returns and take a short break away. Unfortunately DH doesn't have much holiday time available from work yet, so we will go away on one of his breaks back home. We figure 5-6 days break is better than nothing, and we have both most definately earnt it!! Getting some quotes at the moment, but at the moment we are looking at Bali. It's cheap, not too far away and we can beach it up and go shopping!!
It will be happening in the next few months and I can't wait!!!!

PS sorry for smilie overload..but I miss them when I blog on my phone!

Get over it

DH and I had an interesting conversation the other morning..well I don't know if you could really call it a conversation...more like me chucking a sad about our lack of a baby, and DH getting the shits with me would probably be more accurate!!

Again I bought up all the examples of people having babies that doesn't seem in anyway right or fair to me. DH doesn't get why I talk about this and think about these other people so much. He thinks I should just be focusing on us and our situation...but I can't help it!

I said he didn't get it. He didn't get how my maternal instincts are raging and my biological clock is loudly ticking in my ear.

He asked what I would do if I couldn't have children at all. This stumped me. I can't see my life without children. No..I can't see a happy and fulfilled life without children. DH asked if I would be like this forever if children were an impossibility. I explained that it would take me a long time to get over a blow like that and I don't think I would ever fully move on (at least not without the help of some therapy!).

DH's response-'you would have to just get over it'.

Well I let rip at him and he backed down...but I have been thinking about this. I can sorta see his point as what kind of life would the 2 of us have together if I was hung up on not having kids and moping around all the time. That's not fair on him.

So my question is...how does one just 'get over' their want of a baby?!?!

I could not go from actively TTC and seeking help and trying out all our options..to going 'ok that's it..everything failed, we can't have a baby of our own...I'll just get on with my life now!'.

That seems impossible. And what seems even more impossible is accepting this fact AND being ok when you are around children, babies and UTD women. How on earth do you handle that?!?!? I can barely do it now without feeling an over whelming rush of emotions ranging from extreme sadness to anger and jealousy.

Something to contemplate as the months keep ticking over I suppose....

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In TTC land I am CD12. I have made an agreement with DH to try and BD once a day until he leaves on Monday...if we struggle then I will be happy with every 2nd day which will cover CD 12, 14 & 16 like the FS suggested.

I still don't believe that we will conceive first months on meds but DH is (of course) remaining optimistic. He keeps asking me if the fertility drugs are working and I keep reminding me that we won't really know til the ultrasound on Monday. Which he will probably miss as my appointment clashes with the time he needs to leave for the airport...

I have decided that I will not be stressing about whether I have ovulated or not. I can't be bothered. I will not check my cervix or CM. I will not use OPKs (as the thought had crossed my mins to pick some up). I am do e with adding extra stress into the equation. TTC is hard enough without all these extra things to worry yourself about.

I will settle for the ultrasound and hoping FS will give me blood test for day 21 to check for ovulation. It's his problem now..I am not monitoring this crap anymore. I am paying enough for his services, he may as well take control!!!

Besides, whether I ovulate or nor is beyond my control. All I can do is take the meds and try to have sex when FS tells us to. We cannot do anymore than that...

Then it's down to my ridiculous body to do it's job and make a baby....though I won't hold my breath!!!

Weekend starts as of this afternoon. Great!


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Another person who isn't me is pregnant

I have noticed that since we started TTC that I seem to hear so many more stories about people falling pregnant at the drop of a hat..or maybe it's the same amount but I never used to care.

Well now I care, and when I hear these stories it's like a slap in the face. It also makes me question the workings of the universe.

Take this little beauty that a friend told me last night.

A friend of hers has recently found out she is pregnant. The UTD lady in question is 33 and single. The father is a random she met in a bar who is from the UK and here on a holiday visa.

Ok now if this wasn't enough to piss you off..then wait till you hear the back story.

This UTD woman went to see a psychic a few months ago. The psychic told her she could see her pregnant this year. Apparently this really excited her as she has always wanted kids. So what did she proceed to do?!?

Make the prediction come true of course!!

She has since been sleeping with guys with no protection hoping that the psychic would be right.

And what do you know...it worked!

So that's today's lesson in the fucked up workings of the universe.

What have I learnt? That getting drunk and having sex with a random drunk will get me pregnant...now why didn't I think of that a year ago?!??!?

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My DH is home today! Well actually he is home right now but I am stuck here at work for a little while longer...

Today I am CD10 and down to my twice daily dose of metaformin. Hoping the letrozole actually does something..or at least my FS can see it has done something when I go for my ultrasound next week.

Not expecting to O for another few days at least..but I think my body is gearing up as have had very watery CM today and a few interesting pains...

I can handle it (sort of) if we don't make a baby this month, but will be quite upset if my body doesn't work right now it's medicated. I will be especially pissed off if I don't ovulate or something, when I know that was happening pre-meds. To me it will then definately highlight that we are going backwards, not forwards.

Not feeling quite as sick today from the metaformin which is a nice change. Though my latest side effect seems to be constipation...not exactly comfortable but nicer than feeling like I want to spew all day long.

Been feeling very anxious about everything, but I suppose this is normal. I have this feeling of being on edge all the time..like I can't quite switch off. I suppose not sleeping well doesn't help this either. After 2-3 decent nights sleep I had a terrible one last night. Brain again in overload mode. Working too hard and too fast...and then it can't switch off.

I am also freaking out about starting uni again. It all begins on the 19th. I feel unprepared. I have no course work or textbooks yet. I have only logged on to the online uni system once or twice but have not had time to find my way around. I don't know how to get my student ID, how to borrow library books (as I will be an external student) or even if there are lectures online...

Ahhhhhh!!! Not helping with stress levels. But I'll get there. Just need to spend sometime looking around the uni site and i am sure i will get some answers and put my mind at ease.

Keeping my fingers tightly crossed for Shel who is now in the TWW. Hoping our little group deserves some luck and we have some good news to celebrate. I am also holding out hope (and waving her banner high) for Green Sprout. She is in the TWW too, and despite her doubts..well you just never know! Would be nice to get double the good news!


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A day full of nothing

It's 20 to 4 in the afternoon and I am still sitting in my PJs. I have done nothing all day...(and only just realised how late it actually is!).

The metaformin made me feel quite ill this morning so have been battling the urge to vomit for most of the day...yuk.

Took my last letrozole this morning. FX it does it's job...

DH is home tomorrow. We will have to get busy...though I am sure DH wont mind.

I really doubt that anything will
happen this month, but it doesn't hurt to try I suppose...pfft.

All I can think about is my next FS appointment. This time next week I will at least have a few more of my questions answered and know what direction we are headed on this never ending journey!




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side effects...

I wrote a massive post yesterday morning, but BlogPress ate it..


Today is day 5 of taking my newly prescribed meds. Tomorrow is the last day of taking the Letrozole. And then I suppose its fingers crossed that it does what its meant to do...


The Letrozole seems to be causing hot flushes (though its not on and off..I'm just hot all the time), and some mood swings and headaches.


The Metaformin is apparantly known to cause stomach upsets...and this is definately the case for me.


-nausea
-diarhoea
-general 'off' feeling
-decreased appetite





Of course Metaformin has to be the drug that I take twice a day...and the one that I will be taking for however long the FS decides....


I want to thank my lovely TTCers for a great night out. Nani, Shel & GreenSprout -great to share a night of cocktails, commisserations and lots of laughs! Special thanks to GreenSprout for her hospitality!

DH is home on Tuesday! So we will be getting busy...not that I actually think anything will happen this month (we do not have that sort of amazing luck) but it can't hurt.

Brain overload

I was awake til 1am this morning tossing and turning and replaying everything in my head over and over...I just couldn't switch off. I eventually got to sleep but brain turned on at 6am and went into over drive once more.

Luckily I had a crazy busy day at work so I had no time to dwell on everything. Though being so busy was hard when I was exhausted. But I made it through..

Had a mini break down in the car on the way home. All of a sudden I got really angry (stupid drivers on the road) and started yelling and screaming (cuckoo..crazy lady!!) and literally the next second I burst into tears...

Considered it could be side effects from the letrozole as I was also feeling quite warm all day (and letrozole can cause hot flushes). Who knows..I have read that it has less side effects than clomid so perhaps it was just because I was sleep deprived and had a long day. -shrugs-

I am in a slightly better place than I was yesterday. I'm still confused about all this but I figure there is nothing I can do to change this and all I can do is try what the doctor suggests.

I still can't see it as a step forward (feels to me like 10 steps back) but perhaps I just need more time to digest all the information. Will feel better once I can ask the FS some more questions too....


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