Seeya Later!!

It's finally time for our holiday!!! This time tomorrow night we will be in Fiji!!!

WOOHOO!!!

I am so excited and nervous I don't think I will sleep much tonight. Keep going over everything I have packed and checking it off the list I have in my head. I am so obsessive compulsive with stuff like this and know I will want to check my bags a hundred times before we leave so I can confirm that I have indeed packed the passports and tickets! DH thinks it's hilarious and keeps telling me to stop stressing. I can't help it!!!!!!!

I will stop stressing once we are sitting on the plane...

This holiday has come at the best time. It's going to be wonderful to get away from my life, even if it's only for 5 days. I am hoping to come back with a renewed energy and some new found positivity as well.

On the TTC front I spoke with DH today about the latest development. Explained I have an appointment with the FS when we get back from holidays and that we are close to starting IUI if this cycle is a fail. Broke the news about him not being home for our fertile time the next few months and explained we would have to see if his samples can be frozen. He is cool with this, though kept asking what happens if they use the wrong sperm...so weird how guys minds work!!! I have not thought of this ever!! He is also (understandably) disappointed that we may not be able to conceive naturally but I wonder if this is the male ego coming into play?!?

I also broached the subject of telling people what's been going on for us. Straight up his response was 'no way'. His reason? 'i don't want people to know we are having trouble-they will think it's my fault'. We talked a bit more and I explained we need support and if it makes him feel better about it we can come straight out and tell people that the fertility issue lies with me, not him. This seemed to put him at ease. I didn't want to overwhelm him with it all at once so will pick a time to discuss who we want to tell...him agreeing to it was a big enough step to start!!



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Ovulation pains started yesterday on my right hand side. Sometime this morning they amped up a notch and the pain is happening both sides. Not sure if that means I am releasing an egg from both sides?!? Who knows...

DH is home this afternoon so perhaps there's still a chance for some action!

Still feeling a bit down today but trying to focus on the holiday. I can't believe we leave tomorrow!!


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It hurts so much

New pregnancy announcement on Facebook today.

OUCH!!

This one, for whatever reason, has hit me hard. I burst into tears as soon as I read it. Then I kept reading it over and over again, along with all the congratulatory comments.

I'm still weepy now.

It hurts. So much. More so when you know that they haven't been actively TTC and it was probably an 'accident' considering they are about to embark on a 3 month trip overseas which has been planned for quite some time.

When is it going to be my turn????
When do I get to announce happy news and have everyone congratulate me???

I want to be pregnant. I want to watch my belly grow and see my baby on an ultrasound. I want to hear my babys heartbeat for the first time. I want all those pregnancy related experiences...

I want it so bad it hurts. My heart aches.

How much longer is this going to take?
How much more dissapointment and heart ache do we have to endure?

I know I sound like a whinger and I know there are women out there who have been TTC longer than me...but a year IS A LONG TIME. I don't care what anyone says...it shouldn't take this long to make a baby.

All I want is to know how much longer I have to be strong for. At least if I had an end date on this crappy ride, then I could suck it up and wait it out. But I don't know...and right now it feels like this will never end. That we will never get to see those 2 lines, I will never get to watch my belly grow as our baby grows inside me and we will never get to hold our child.

Right now all I see is cycle after cycle of dissapointment.

countdown to holiday time

No signs of ovulating...no cramps or CM. What's going on?!?! Maybe my body is being nice and trying to hold out until DH comes home on Tuesday...Oh well, just wait and see what happens!

The Open Day at work yesterday went really well. We had a huge turn out of people. Busy day and I was exhausted by the end of it. I even had my face painted!! Was nice to unwind with a glass of wine and nibbles with the other staff afterwards. I even got used to the hideous green shirt! It didn't feel so stupid when you were surrounded to 20 other people wearing the same thing! 


All organised for our trip. I can't believe we leave in 3 more days!! I have almost finished packing my suitcase already...yes, I am super organised!! Just need DH to bring his bag home so we can pack his gear up. Not that we need much...will be making good use of all our summer clothes and togs of course!! I am looking forward to the warm weather and sunshine! Can just imagine spending days laying on the beach or by the pool, drinking cocktails and relaxing. 


I CAN'T WAIT!!!

nothing else I can do now

Ok, so I am a little more upbeat than I was yesterday.

I have made an appointment with my FS for the 7th September (that was the earliest I could get in). I am going to tell him about the shorter cycle, period pain and the extreme side effects of the metformin. I am also going to explain that DH will be away next cycle at the 'right' time and ask about the option of freezing his swimmers. I am hoping there is enough time to organise this for the next cycle so we can start IUI. I am also going to ask about a lap and see whether it can be done at the beginning of my next cycle too. 

Now all I can do is wait and hope that things WILL work out. Once again it's out of my hands (you think I would be used to that in this game!!). Oh I could also go the extreme angle and hope that we will get our BFP this cycle so I don't even have to worry about all the other stuff...but lets not go crazy here!! 

It's time to have some realistic expectations...not fantasies!

I am feeling better about the uni factor too. I got a lot of readings done last night and completed 2 more online quizzes. Now I just want to do one more lot of readings, one more quiz and write a couple of hundred words for an assignment. I think it's doable. 

Tomorrow is a write off due to the Open Day at work. They gave us shirts to wear for the day. They are BRIGHT green with BRIGHT pink pictures and writing....stylish! I am not a green person. It doesn't suit me at all. So not impressed that I will be wearing it all day. And NO I will not be posting a photo of me in the aforementioned shirt.

Just what I wanted...not!

Here's another helping of bad news.

Checking out my calendar today trying to figure out when I should make my next FS appointment for when I realised DH will not be home at our 'peak' time next month.

Throwing a very big spanner in our works for our first IUI.

Nothing wants to go right for us with this. Is this the universes way of telling us this isn't meant to be?!?




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Will we????

Took my last letrozole pill this morning...let's hope the side effects ease from here and the meds do their job this time round!

I got my vitamins delivered yesterday so I am hoping they will take effect soon and I will get some energy back. So sick of feeling drained and useless. Perhaps this will also help with my motivation to get uni work done...I can only hope!

After a good discussion with my wonderful friend Green Sprout, I have decided that it's time I came out of the 'infertility closet'! At present it's just me and DH in on this 'secret' plus the girls I met online originally.

It's been on my mind more and more as this journey keeps getting longer and longer. The issues with my inlaws has been stopping me to some degree, but as GS pointed out the positives of my family knowing truly outweighs the few negatives (SILs 10 cents worth of crappy advice included).

Now that I am made this decision, I must convince DH that we need to 'come out' as in the past he has had reservations in telling anyone. I will say that he may of changed his mind by now as I think the last time we discussed it was quite a number of cycles ago.

And then comes the issue of 'how do we tell people' and 'who in particular do we want to tell'?!?

This freaks me out and gives me butterflies in my stomach. I don't want to gather all the family and do a big announcement...it's not the sort of news you want to do that with. But do I just drop it into casual conversation?!?

'Hi mum, how are you? Oh by the way we have been trying to have a baby for over a year.' Don't know how well that would go down either...and then comes the part of having to reply the past wretched 12 months and how we got to this point. I am not sure I could recount it all without ending up in a blubbering mess on my parents kitchen floor.

But you can't drop news like this on people and not expect questions. Really, it just doesn't work like that. Us humans are a quizzical species.

So I figure once I tell my parents and sister...the news will trickle through the extended family on mums side as we are very close knit. I would leave it up to mum to tell them if she likes as I don't think I could keep telling it over and over again.

I think I will leave it up to DH to tell his family. It would only be his mum and sister, but as SIL is a gossip I am sure it will spread to the other relos quick smart.

Then of course there are our friends. Some joint, some individual. The ones I think we really need to tell is the friends who are getting married in November. DH and I are both in the wedding. They plan on TTC once the weddings done. I really think it's important they find out what's going on with us for 2 reasons.

1. I have spent a lot of time avoiding and making vague statements about kids whenever asked by them what we are doing. It seems it worked as they stopped asking about 6 months ago.

2. At least they will know why I go weird if they get UTD very quickly and can perhaps show a little understanding as to why I don't appear to be super excited for them.

I am sure we will tell other friends but it doesn't need to be done as soon as we 'come out'.

So when do we do it?
When is the 'right time'?
Is there ever a 'right time'?

I think I am getting slightly ahead of myself..perhaps I need to get DH on board first!!


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a possible hiccup in our plans..

At work again...keep seeming to hit that wall at 3pm! Though today has been full on! Several clients...all 1-1.5 hour sessions and all full on issues. It's great that I am getting lots of clients, but I had forgotten how draining it can be!!! I may not be doing physical labour but mentally and emotionally I am exhausted!!!!

Today has been slightly better side effect wise. Not feeling quite so nauseous but that may be because I forgot to bring metformin to work so haven't had any today! Have to remember to take them tonight. My mood seems to have stabilised somewhat too which is nice.

I am working myself up into a nervous wreck over my uni stuff. Such a stress head! I just need to knuckle down and do it instead of worrying about it. -sigh- I am still lacking the motivation though. Not a good way to start my academic year...I am now doubting my ability and whether I made the right decision to start studying again. Did I really need to add another stressor to my plate right now?!? I need to get through this term at least and then reevaluate.

Not much hope for this cycle. I am scared I will ovulate early again (which I think happened last cycle thus explaining the shortness of it). Ovulating early wouldn't be too bad if my DH had a normal job and was home each night, but as you all probably know by now-he doesn't! He will not be home until CD13 this time round and given I think I O'd CD11 or 12 last time..well we will probably miss our chance. Nothing I can do to fix this-it's out of my hands.

And before anyone suggests it (because it has been offered as advice many times in the past by people that think they are 'helping') I cannot just pick up and go surprise DH for a BD session. He is several hundred kilometres from home and is situated in a camp in the middle of nowhere...which involves 2 long drives and a plane trip to get to.

So all I can do is hope my body plays nice and ovulates once we are tucked away in our beach front bure in Fiji!



That's wishful thinking for you.


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I'm at work and so over today. I had 127 emails to go through and several back to back clients booked this morning. Then I had to catch up with several other staff members about different things...it's been a busy day. I have hit a wall though and can't be bothered doing anything else now....

Had a nice slap in the face type moment this morning too. A client I see is pregnant....and circumstances are not 'ideal'. She told me the whole story over the phone (which is lucky otherwise if it had of been face to face I don't think I could have hidden my face dropping with despair) and I then had to provide sympathy etc. Part and parcel of my job...but it was so tough. I just wanted to hang up the phone, curl up under my desk and have a good cry.

I soldiered on but it keeps playing on my mind. I also know I will have to face her in person one of these days and I am not sure how I will handle this...

AF seems to have finally left me alone which I am grateful for. The side effects from the drugs however have decided to stay! Only 2 more days of letrozole!!

I have decided to let this cycle run it's course and will book an appointment with my FS for when I think the cycle will end (about 3rd week in September). Will lay out my concerns (painful AF, short cycle this past month, extreme metformin side effects) and see what he has to say.

I really just want to get on with things so we can have a baby..I don't want to start again with a new doctor or try different drugs. I want it to be all systems go for an IUI cycle next month.

If he suggests a lap then I don't want it to interfere with our action plan..I may sound impatient but I think I have done my share of waiting. I just want it to be our turn so badly....

Tomorrow marks a week exactly until our holiday! I am getting more excited. I have so much to do before we leave (including an assignment..yuk) and I am not sure how I will get it all done. Everything bar the necessities have slipped down low on my priority list. I am in a bit of a slump so really hoping the time away does me some good.

I ordered some vitamins online last night. Hoping they come in the next few days so I can gain some energy back. Went with a pregnancy vitamin as I figure one day I will hopefully be switching to these anyway and they were cheaper than buying pre-conception vitamins (as you can get them in bulk). I'm sure it can't hurt...just have to remove them from the kitchen bench when we have visitors as I am sure they would raise many questions that I don't want to answer!!

Which leads onto another thought I have been having...removing the secrecy of our TTC struggles. This has been playing on my mind for quite some time now but still very undecided on the matter. It's all a big 'should we or shouldn't we' situation. I definitely think we would tell some people if we reached IVF. I'm unsure if we would do it sooner and tell when we get to IUI next month...I still think DH would want to keep it quiet no matter what happens but I would really love the support of my mum and sister (and perhaps even a few close friends) sooner rather than later. I am tempted all the time when I see my family but then when I think about it...I have no idea how to tell them. I mean, where do I start?!? And then there's the tricky thing of me not wanting DH's sister to know anything. Which really means we couldn't tell his mum as I am sure she would spread the word. So then DH gets angry that his family doesn't know and mine does...which brings us back to not telling anyone. -sigh-




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CD5

Miserable weather to match my miserable mood.

DH left today at lunch time for another week away at work. I am encouraging myself to think that in another weeks time he will be back and we will be off on our holiday. That does cheer me up some.

Side effects are now in full swing.

-headaches
-dizziness
-hot flushes
-nausea
-cramps
-mood swings

And to top it all off AF is still hanging around....not impressed!!!

Tomorrow I head back to work. That will be hard after not having to go into the office last week. I am also concerned about how many emails will be waiting in my inbox...yuk! I also have to work this Saturday. We are having an Open Day and it's all hands on deck. Not really looking forward to that either...it will be a long day.

I haven't done anything uni related for a week. Very naughty. I need to get into it this week so I am ahead before we go on holidays. Not sure if I will get there...I feel like I am a few weeks behind in the readings...no idea how I will catch up. I have slim-nil motivation right now.

Figured out why I am so tired (well this is my reasoning anyways). I finished my last bottle of multi-vitamins last week and I planned to replace them with some Elevit or Conceive Well Gold vitamins. But I forgot and so it's been about 5 days since my last vitamin. Definitely think that's one of the reasons why I am feeling so run down and lethargic. 

Back on the merry-go-round

You have to love fertility drugs. As if someone TTC hasn't got enough to deal with already without throwing a handful of crazy side effects into the mix.

Letrozole has already started with some dizziness. Felt dizzy all morning but it seemed to subside after lunch time.

Think I am still moody and emotional from my period...or it could be mood swings from the letrozole. I don't know. I bet DH is happy to be going back to work tomorrow though!! He has had enough of me being a snappy bitch I am sure.

Metformin is still playing havoc on my stomach. Woke this morning about 2am with horrible stomach cramps which were most definitely not AF related. Lay there wondering if this was to end in a mad dash to the toilet, but thankfully it didn't! Just cramped on and off for about 3 hours. Not a peaceful nights sleep though!

I'm also hot, hot, hot again. Another letrozole side effect. I'm all red and flushed in the face.

And I suppose this is only the beginning! Still the headaches and more mood swings to come. Lucky me!!

Wow what I would give to feel normal again!!!!!!!

I am contemplating still about going back to my FS this month...or dare I say getting a 2nd opinion.....

I cannot shake the niggling feeling that something else is wrong...that and the fact that the PCOS diagnosis just doesn't feel right. I mean you would think with such a mild case (which I appear to have as I had no symptoms and nothing has been sighted on my internal ultrasounds) a round or 2 of drugs would have set things straight and I would be UTD by now...

I'm really unsure as to what I should do. I don't want to waste anymore time. I don't want to have to wait months to see a different doctor and go through all the tests and stuff again...BUT I don't want to be going along taking these drugs that may not actually work for me....

Very undecided and confused.

Maybe I'll see what DH thinks.


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CD3..time for drugs

Just realised it's CD3 which means I must start taking the Letrozole again. Not really looking forward to crazy hormones, hot flushes and headaches..but can't do much about it. 

I am really already quite hormone crazed at the moment. I have been snapping at DH all the time and just feeling cranky at everything. I fell asleep on the couch last night while we were watching a DVD and when I woke up I jumped off screamed at DH about the couch being uncomfortable and stormed off to bed. I think he deserves a medal for putting up with me sometimes!!

I can't shake this tired feeling either. All I want to do is lie down and sleep. It's ridiculous. 

AF cramps got slightly worse last night, but seem to be settling down this morning. I hope she will bugger off in another day or 2. I have had enough of her already. 

I survived a visit from the MIL this morning. It was better than what I expected actually. I haven't seen her for ages (as she generally tries to time her visits when I am at work). We were both very polite to each other and she didn't completely ignore me and speak only to DH (which is the norm). She also didn't bring up the SIL or the baby which I was grateful for!!  

Still feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. My ticker on Bub Hub says I have reached 55 weeks of TTC. Sometimes I wish I could avoid BH altogether, but it keeps sucking me back in. I don't really participate in the forums anymore, but read all the TTC & pregnancy diaries as well as checking to see if anyone I still remember has gotten their positive. Today there was a diary entry from someone TTC their 2nd child. 3rd diary entry and BAM...'oh wow I got 2 lines! who would have thought I'd get pregnant so quickly?!?'

Why couldn't I be so lucky?!?!?!

I won't end this on a sad note as I tend to be doing that more and more often...sooooo....

11 sleeps until we are off on our holiday!!!!!

CD2

So here we are.
Cycle #15 of TTC our first child.
3rd cycle of fertility drugs.
Last cycle before we move on to other assisted conception methods. 

At last talk with the FS it will be IUI coupled with drugs for 3 cycles and then IVF. He may have changed his mind when we get there next month...you never know. Currently I am still debating whether I go back this month and discuss the option of a laparoscopy. The increasingly painful periods I have been suffering makes me wonder about endo, and the doctor did make mention of the possibility of a lap being done (but can't remember what his reasoning was at this stage). I am debating because this AF is already way, way down on the pain scale compared to last month. I mean I can actually move and walk around! I don't need strong drugs and a heat pack. BIG DIFFERENCE! So now wondering whether there is any point getting a lap done?!? I mean no other internal type test has showed anything wrong. My PCOS diagnosis is by BT only. Do I put myself through surgery just because? 

I can't really explain how I am feeling right now. I can't seem to put words down that adequately express just how much this hurts. Long term TTCers will have more than a good idea I am sure. 


I feel like each cycle I lose another little piece of happiness, another piece of my positivity. I started out on this journey full of naive hope and optimism. The longer I trudge along this path, the harder it gets to pull myself up after another fail. 


This month even my other half-my optimist, is having trouble. The look on his face when I told him my period had arrived was devastating. We must have seen the same pain in each others faces and all we could do was hold each other. No words were needed. 


I have noticed that even he is now saying 'IF we have kids' instead of 'WHEN'. We have discussed that this is the last cycle on just the drugs and next time we will be moving onto IUI (we think). DH is ok with this. I think at this point he will agree with anything if we get a baby at the end of it. 


I am feeling very inadequate. I can't do the one thing that my body is made to do. I can't give my husband a son or daughter. It is looking very likely that we will need more than just drugs to achieve this. 
My body is a failure. 
I feel like a failure. 


And the main thought that surrounds all this other crap that is running through my head is 
 'what if my one chance at this was when I was 18??????'....


You know, the main reason why I don't want to tell my family about us TTC? Because I am scared out of my mind that one of them will bring this up. That I had my chance and I threw it away. That it's my own fault and I should have thought about the possibilities back then. That it serves me right for doing what I did.


And I couldn't stand hearing it from them. 
I hear it running through my brain every hour of every day. 
It's torture. 

So we continue to keep our secret and suffer silently.  
We are all smiles and happy faces whenever we see anyone else. 
When asked about kids we brush it off while trying not to create suspision. 
We continue to hear about DH's sister as she creeps closer to her due date and pretend like we give a damn (well DH does, I don't). 

And when we are alone we discuss the possibility of never having children of our own. 
We prepare ourselves for hard times. 
While we secretly wait in hope for the end of each cycle. Hoping that this is the month, that 2 lines will appear.

Oh and by the way....

Let's call this CD1.


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Sorry to say...

Back in the land of phone reception and thought I would update.

Cycle 14 is a BIG FAT FAIL!!

Don't really have much more to say right now.


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Bright and early

I am up early this morning. Had to get up at 4am to get to the airport on time. I'm sitting in the departure lounge, bleary eyed and feeling a little seedy.

Just went to the bathroom before and made the mistake of looking in the mirror. My eyes are all blood shot from lack of sleep and there are huge black bags under my eyes. Great look for turning up to work!!

DH made it home safe and sound. Was sad to leave him this morning (I'm used to it being the other way round!). The dog didn't seem very impressed either!! Oh well it's only 1 night.

On the TTC front I am CD25 today. Nothing much happening. Feeling a bit nauseous this morning but that may just be cos it's early and I have had no breakfast.

I am doing quite a good job this month at not reading into anything. Very pleased that I am not obsessively googling 'early pregnancy symptoms' or checking my CM a million times a day.

Not so sure how I will cope with AF arriving though...didn't come up with any strategies for dealing with that outcome...but suppose it's just getting rid of the negative thoughts that come with her.

I am seriously contemplating going back to FS this coming cycle to discuss having a lap done. The increasingly bad AF pain makes me wonder if I have endo as well. Even if it isn't effecting my fertility, it would be nice to get rid of the painful periods. Anyways, it's something to think about.


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CD23

5 more days until AF is due. I don't know whether she will come or not. Nothing stands out as a pregnancy symptom. Nothing stands out as an AF/PMS symptom. Hurry up weekend!! 

Yesterday was great!!! Mamma Mia was an amazing show-great sets, music, costumes & dancing. My grandma was so excited when we told her in the car on the drive down where we were taking her. She had a great time and thouroughly enjoyed the show. At the end they did a bit of a medley of songs and EVERYONE in the audience was standing up, clapping and bopping along (us included)! We had dinner together when we got back home too-nice end to a lovely day. 

Today I need to finish part of an assignment which is due today. AHHHHH!!! Not having much luck with this assignment so far. Very confusing and so much work. I keep telling myself that the sooner I finish it, the sooner I can have a nap!!!

Been so very,very tired the past few days. Have not been sleeping well-finding it impossible to fall asleep any earlier then around 11:30pm-midnight (no matter how exhausted I am) and then I only sleep for a few hours before I wake again. It's very frustrating. 

DH is home tomorrow. I have the day off work so I can pick him up from the airport. He is going to be exhausted as he has been on night shift. Bit bummed that I then have to go away for work the next day, but can't do much about it. It's only for a night. I think I would have been more upset if it fell during our 'fertile' time of the month. 

Only 2 weeks until our holiday!!!

CD21

Changed the blog again..not really by choice as I liked the green template but one of my fellow bloggers let me know that they were unable to make comments...so as I am not a blog expert I figured it was easier to find another template! Hopefully this one is ok!!!

Pleased to say that my psychologist appointment on Friday went well. Not quite what I expected but I walked away feeling satisfied. I now have some strategies to put in place to help with my negative TTC thoughts. It's funny, most of the things she suggested is stuff I already know and use for my own clients...yet I never bothered to do any of it for me! Guess I needed a fresh perspective. I will see how this cycle pans out and then decided whether I need further visits.

Friday was a write off after my appointment. I came home and got ready to start my assignment but was interrupted by Metformin side effects. Painful stomach cramps, nausea and then a mad dash to the loo where I stayed for the next 40 minutes or so....think you can figure out the rest. Eventually hobbled out of the bathroom and crawled into bed where I fell asleep and did not wake until about 3:30pm. I felt washed out and gross. 

Had a massive sleep last night and did not stir until about 10am. Still felt like I could sleep for another 10 hours, but kicked my butt into assignment mode. Got some work done on the report, but still not 100% there. The first part is due Monday for peer review. I am freaking out more than a little as I have never written anything like this before...not sure if I am fully understanding it either!

On a lighter note-MAMMA MIA TOMORROW!!! So very excited. Can't wait to see how my grandma reacts when we tell her where we are going. Still trying to decide when we tell her, as it's an hour or so drive to the venue. Think we might wait until we are there!! 

7 days until AF is due to show up in my world. Will she or won't she?!?! I have only 3 or 4 IC HPTs so will have to save them until later in the week...I am refusing to buy expensive tests until AF is late. Hoping the next 7 days flies by...I want to know if we succeeded.

CD19..another day passed

Edging closer to the end of this TWW. To be honest I would much rather if I could fast forward to the day AF is due. Would save all this waiting and wondering. I am still quite adamant that this cycle will be another big, fat fail...but I am willing to be proven wrong! Nothing feels any different to last month. My body seems to be doing the same things. Surely that's not a good sign? I mean seeming it has failed all these months, then surely it would need to do something different to give me a positive?!?

Weekend for me starts tomorrow. It's a relief at the moment that I only work 3 days a week. Next week I won't even have to be in the office either. I am taking Tuesday as a TOIL day so I can pick DH up from the airport and then very, very early Wednesday morning I fly up north to the main campus for a team day/staff retreat. It's only for 2 days/1 night but still sucks that it's happening when DH is home...but can't be helped. At least DH will be home to take care of the pup...and I can make him drive me to the airport and pick me up too (payback for the hundreds of times I have done it for him the past few years!!). 

I got my painting today! My auntie promised us one when we moved into our house last year so it is a very belated house warming present. It's absolutely gorgeous. I am so lucky to have such a talented auntie. Can't wait until DH is home so we can hang it!

 Isn't it gorgeous?!?! Makes me smile whenever I look at it...

new look blog

TA-DA!!!

I was getting tired of the old one and decided seeming Spring is not very far away (hooray) it was time to spring clean and freshen up my blog.

bit of an update

So cranky...I did a massive post last night and blog press ate it. Got on here this morning and the post has dissapeared into thin air!

So where to start..??

 ______________________

I took a  sick day from work today. I decided I would work on my assignments and other uni stuff. So did I have a productive day? No.

I am really beginning to wonder how on earth I am going to get through this term...let alone several more years of this!!! I had forgotten how much I procrastinate when I study. Like seriously...ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME!!!!


Considering how many students I see in my job and how often I give out study skills, time management tips etc etc....I do not seem to be taking any of this on board for myself! It's really bad. I am not a good role model...

Being behind is actually really starting to stress me out A LOT. I am freaking out about going away on holidays and not being caught up with everything. I really have to kick my butt into gear over the next 3 weeks and get into it!!

 _______________________

CD18 today. Nothing to report. 
Again this cycle I am striving to not read into any so called 'symptoms' and not get my hopes up (Yeah, yeah..we all know how that works out so well!!).
No idea how many DPO I am. I think I O'd earlier than usual due to all the O pains & watery CM..but there's no way to prove that! My guess would be CD11 which means we only DTD once before O day...and everything else was after. Only time will tell...I don't have many tests left in the house either, only a couple of IC's so I won't even be able to unleash my POAS addict. 

______________________

One more work day for me and then the weekend. Friday & Saturday will be ass whooping time for me in regards to uni. I have an assignment due Monday and it MUST BE DONE!! 

Sunday is going to be an awesome day!  

We are going to see MAMMA MIA!!!!! 

I think I posted ages ago that my mum and me bought tickets to see 'Mamma Mia' for my grandma for her birthday. On her birthday (which was a few weeks ago) we presented her with an invitation which pretty much said we can't wrap her gift and all will be revealed on Sunday the 15th August. We told her to be ready in the morning and once we reach our destination all will be revealed! She is intrigued!!! 

It's going to be great to see the look on her face when we tell her what we are doing. She loves live shows, loves ABBA and really enjoying the movie version of 'Mamma Mia', so she should be super excited.  

_____________________

My psych appointment is 9am Friday morning (ooooo Friday the 13th-spooky). I am looking forward to it weirdly enough. I need some help before I dig myself down too deep. I do not want to wind up on anti depressants again (unless it absolutely necessary) so I figure this is a pro-active approach. 

It's a good news month!

Well I am very pleased to say that the 2nd member of our trio has gotten her BFP!!!

Congratulations Green Sprout!!!!!

After a year of TTC, given the tag 'unexplained infertility' and 3 rounds of clomid...there is finally a baby sprout on the way!!!!!!!

I know I joked a few posts ago about the trifecta..but as Meatloaf sings '2 outta 3 ain't bad!'



So I am now that last woman standing so to speak.

We started out with a bigger group of TTCers originally and slowly the BFPs came rolling in.

The group split and we were left with 4 TTCers. All wishing and hoping for those 2 lines to appear each month. All on slightly different journeys which also had many similarities.

Not long ago our quartet turned into a trio. I won't bother going into details but I will say this-the journey of a TTCer is a tough one. Some cope better than others. Some enjoy the support and friendship of others TTC but others prefer to isolate themselves.

So now it's just me. The lone TTCer.

While I am so happy for Nani & GS as they have both slogged it out and done the hard yards, I will admit that part of me is sad.

Sad that I am being left behind in TTC land while they embark on the new and exciting world of pregnancy.

And please don't mistake this for sour grapes or anything like that.

I am happy from the bottom of my heart for these 2 wonderful women. I have been there beside them hoping and wishing and speculating every month, hoping that this time they would get the result they were after.

And finally it's here for both of them!! They have each other as pregnancy buddies which is awesome! Perhaps they can even have double appointments with Dr Brad (they share the same FS doctor). Who BTW I call Dr McDreamy!!



Yes I am sad, but incredibly happy at the same time (yes it's possible I swear!!!). I'm scared that I will never get to where they are...and I want it so badly.

Each day that goes past is another day closer to when the SIL has her baby. And we will then be subjected to a barrage of photos along with insistence that we visit to see the baby. Where no doubt she will brag incessantly as that is what she does about anything she gets before DH.

It's another day closer to when friends of ours get married and start TTC also. I couldn't bear it if they got their BFP before we did...infact I have said to DH that I honestly don't know how I could face them if that happens. And this is awful as they are close friends that we spend a lot of time with.

It's another day closer to another failed cycle, to IUI, to IVF. Perhaps even to a future with no children of our own.

I cannot see this journey as getting closer to a happy ending. I can only see it as getting closer to running out of options and being told there is nothing else to do.


Grrrrrrrrr...I was working on this being a happy post, but that didn't work so well.



Bring on my psych appointment on Friday. I need to clear my head out and unload on someone. Blogging it out just isn't cutting it anymore.




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3 words...





I HATE METFORMIN








.....that is all.

holidays

Booked the accomodation for our holiday this morning!!!

We are staying at the First Landing Beach Resort and it looks great!! 

Only a few more weeks and we will be there soaking up the sun. September 1st can't come quick enough for my liking!!

DH has left for the airport so its me and the dog for another week. I need to get on top of my uni work...have been very slack for the past week. Naughty, naughty! 

Now the wait for this cycle is on..I figure AF is due around the 21st. We'll see what happens.

Ended up going out tonight...wait it's now tomorrow so I mean last night!

Sunday nights out is not something we ever normally do but we got a phone call from some friends and decided to have some fun.

We went to one of the pubs. You know the type..one of those Irish themed ones.

Surprisingly busy for a Sunday..why? Because they do karaoke! -insert groan-

It was bad. These people couldn't sing and they had bad song choices.

So I did what any normal person would do.

I got drunk..(off 3 drinks).

Enter happiness, smiling and laughter!!



Now I'm home and can't sleep. It's 1am. My brain is ticking away.

Alcohol has worn off. My break from my emotions is over.



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CD15...I hate Sundays

Sunday. I hate Sundays. Always have.

Sundays used to signal the end of the weekend and going back to school.
Then they used to signal going back to work and uni.
Now they signal DH going back to work and our last night together for another week.

Nothing to report on the TTC front.
We have DTD CD10, 12, 13 & 14. Might go for 15 tonight if we aren't too tired. Definately hit CD16 tomorrow before DH leaves.

We have done all we could. Used sperm friendly lube, DTD in the 'ultimate' baby making positions and I have tried to elevate for at least 15-20 minutes afterwards.

Now it is up to my body...-insert hysterical laughter here-

Fat chance. I have no hope for this cycle, or any other until we reach IVF.

I have a gut feeling that this will be our journey...we WILL end up on the IVF road. My gut feeling was right about there being something wrong with me, so lets see if this one is accurate.

Bring on our holiday. I need to get away.

Pity we have to come back....

busy, busy, busy

So its been a few days since I last updated.

I got over my rejection and we manged a quickie the next morning before I left for work. It's funny-here I was over reacting and really he was just tired! Hahaha! And when I said something the next morning about how I thought I might be ovulating..he's like 'why didn't you say something last night?' Men!

Today is CD14 and the O pains stopped by Friday morning...so not sure if I have O'd or not. No sign of any EWCM...just quite watery stuff. *shrugs* Who knows!?! Figure we will keep having sex until DH leaves on Monday afternoon...that covers CD12, 14 & 16 like the FS wants us to (plus afew more in between). Then we leave the rest up to the universe...

DH has gone all DIY on me and today was painting day. We have started painting our deck and I must say it makes a big difference! We have done the main area, just need to do afew fiddly bits and the lower deck area...and then we will tackle the front deck. Need to get some more paint though.

Also did some gardening yesterday...well actually I just potted up some herbs that I bought ages ago at the markets, plus a few other plants that have been sitting there for quite a while. Hoping this new lot of herbs survives. The last ones I had all died except for the parsley!

I have been very slack with my uni work since DH has been home though. Naughty, naughty!! Have to try and get back into it once he leaves. I have an assignment due in about 10 days which I need to get cracking on! Have to try and get myself organised and ahead before we go away on holidays.

Our holiday is creeping up very quickly. We are both very excited and looking forward to our time away. I even bought some new togs for the occassion! Only a few more weeks and I will be lying on the beach in Fiji, soaking up the sun!!!

Rejection..sorta

Can't sleep. DH is snoring his head off.

My sex marathon plan has gone out the window..

No sex for me tonight..DH was 'too tired'....

Not the words you want to hear when one of your ovaries is twanging your side with pain.

I would cry but he would wake up and then I would have to explain..and I don't want to make him feel guilty...(well part of me does but trying very hard not to go there).

I am wondering how long o pain can last before the egg actually pops...or if it continues after you have popped??

If I have popped then last night was our only shot...and if I am popping now then tomorrow may be too late...



I really hate this.

I want it to be easy.


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Nausea..when will you leave me alone??

Nausea has become the bane of my existence.

I thought my body had adjusted to the metformin, but apparently not!

I feel sick when I haven't eaten, I feel sick after I have eaten, I feel sick when I think about eating and sometimes even when I am eating..

It's tiresome and for me due to my vomit phobia it makes me anxious. All these thoughts of 'oh no maybe I will vomit' rush into my head and freak me out...

If I was actually pregnant and suffering from morning sickness, then at least that's being sick for an awesome cause (in my books).

But here I am, not pregnant and stuffing my body full of drugs that may (or may not) help me fall pregnant. Drugs that I may have to be on for 6 months or longer (if I don't fall pregnant).

Seems like a bit of a bum deal to me.



Meanwhile I am hunting for the elusive nausea cure....

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Musings

Wow! I have wasted the first 3 hours of work and have achieved nothing!!!



Terrible..but easy enough to do in my job, especially when it's quiet and my main role is to support the students..which I can't do if they don't come to me!!!!!

Oh well...I could be doing my uni work but that seems so unappealing to me right now also. At present I am racking my brains trying to figure out what on earth possessed me to go back to study!?!? Seriously...TTC is stressing me out quite enough without throwing assignments and exams into the mix! I think I forgot just how much of a procrastinator I really was when I studied the first time round...

-sigh- but I'm in now and as I hate giving up, I will stick at it. Plus DH gave me a bit of a pep talk last night when I had my whinge to him about it (poor guy-he had to endure the tears and tantrums first time round too) and reminded me that this is a long term goal and it will be worth it in the long run. He also boosted my ego by telling me how smart I am and that I can do this!

Gotta love him!

DH being home has given me a giant mood boost! I think having him away so often is harder on me then I think it is. I mean I have adjusted (as much as you can to a FIFO roster) and make do without him for however long he may be away...BUT it's the little things that pop up that make you wish he had a normal, 9-5, home every night kind of job.

Sitting at the table eating dinner together is one little thing I miss. Dinner is a bit of a 'oh yeh I better eat something tonight' kind of deal when he is away. I mean, who likes cooking for one??? Not me!

Having someone to make comments to when you are watching tv is another thing. The dog doesn't answer me!!!

These are things you take for granted when someone is around all the time, but stuff you miss when they are not there.

Probably sounds quite silly, but I know what I am talking about!!!



Anyways, to get back to my original point...I am in a much better frame of mind thanks to my DH.

On the TTC front..more O pains last night, still lots of watery CM so it's about to happen or is happening! Guess we will continue to DTD til DH leaves as FS said to make sure we cover CD 12, 14 & 16. Though personally I think ovulation will happen before then. Oh well...all bases will be covered, and it's not like we won't want to have sex anyway..just an added bonus that it's ovulation time.

Thanks goes out to Nani & Green Sprout...you kept my head up the past few days and I am so grateful for your support. It's nice to know someone cares.

Mega, giant -hugs- go out to GS also. Chin up!






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On the up

Feeling better today. Lucky, since I had to go to work!

DH is home safe and sound..just waiting for my work day to be over so I can go home and get my fix of cuddles.

Tonight will be a quiet night cuddled up on the couch. I even have dinner in the slow cooker (which I put on before I left for
work). Oh how I look forward to nights like this!!!

Think my body is gearing up to pop an egg. Have had a few sharp twangs on my left hand side last night and this morning, and my CM seems to be quite watery.

Looks like the sex marathon will need to start tonight!! Hahaha..

All I can do is hope the meds and my body get into the spirit of team work and make a baby!!!!!





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Another one of 'those' days..

Not a good day today. 

Couldn't sleep last night so stayed awake til about 1am before I drifted off to sleep. However, I tossed and turned all night...

Just didn't have the energy or will power to get out of bed this morning. 

I slept on and off til about 11am and then started some readings for uni. This in itself was a task and a half...took me so long (and I am still not up to date!). Plus the dog was being annoying...he wanted out then in, then in then out...etc etc you get the idea!! VERY FRUSTRATING!!

Managed the mammoth effort of getting dressed and going grocery shopping this evening. I figured it wasn't fair to DH to come home to an empty fridge and pantry! So all stocked up now. 

Now what little energy I had has gone, plus I feel nauseous and have a headache...

I think I will run myself a hot bath and have a good cry...perhaps I will feel better after that.

CD8

Last dose of Letrozole today!!

Side effects seemed to have eased off also, which I am very pleased about. No more headaches! Nausea isn't quite so bad either. Now let's hope it does what it's meant to do, and my body makes me a baby!!

Had a lovely day catching up with family for my grandma's birthday. She had a great day and was in really good spirits! She looks really well too which is fabulous. She was diagnosed with lung cancer several months ago now which was a bit of a shock to the family as my pop (her husband) died of cancer about 6 years ago. But she is strong and a fighter so we are all hopeful. 

Anyways, today was lovely. I even got my baby fix with my cousin's twins!! They are so adorable. They had their 1st birthday afew weeks ago. I can't believe how time flies!! Weirdly enough baby cuddles make me feel better, not worse! I just felt very peaceful sitting there holding them...

DH is home on Tuesday afternoon which is great. Feels like this past week has gone quite quickly despite how crap I was feeling for most of it. I am sure his week home will also fly. It's amazing how much we can fit into those days home. The frustrating part is that EVERYONE wants to catch up with him when he is home. Sort of insulting for me as I don't often hear from some of our friends when I am home by myself..only when DH is back.   Oh well...


Quiet night on the couch with the dog, before I kick my ass into gear tomorrow with uni work, housework and possibly grocery shopping...going to be a busy day!