Just a Quick One

Well..I survived last night. Lets just say it was awkward with a capital A! Small talk for the first hour before they decided to ask how I was. I was blunt. When I mentioned how lonely it had been without DH here the friend piped up with 'oh just let me know if you want company'. Honestly, should I really need to ask at this point in time??? Isn't it glaringly obvious that I would be lonely without my husband when I am trying to deal with the hardest thing I have ever faced in life?!?! Apparently not.

Oh and please, please don't say to someone that has undergone fertility treatment and has suffered a miscarriage to 'stay positive and it will happen' or 'it just wasn't your time yet'. Because it doesn't help, and it hurts!!!!! And while we are on the topic of what not to say...I don't want to hear about your cousin's sisters neighbour who stopped IVF and fell pregnant naturally..it doesn't give me hope. Not one bit.



On a happier note, the lovely friend who messaged me on Facebook sent me a gorgeous flower arrangement today. What a nice surprise and something that really touched my heart and brightened my day. Some people are just brilliant, and by the recent events it's the ones you don't expect!

I have had a few bloggers mention they are having trouble leaving comments...I have fiddled with my settings so I am hoping whatever wasn't working, now is. Let me know...

I am a Social Leper

Either that or I smell...

Because people are avoiding me like the plague. To the extent of not even texting or calling me. I have still had no responses about DH's birthday party. Not one person. In our group if something social is mentioned, you get a response within an hour or 2. Not anymore...well not if it's us.

It's quite upsetting to me that our so called friends can be doing this. Especially when they know that I am alone while DH is away for work. Surely that warrents at least a 'thinking of you' or 'are you ok?' text message?!?!? I mean, that's not expecting too much is it?? Sparing the 5 seconds it takes...I can get that people may not want to see me face to face..I can accept that might take more time and they may be more comfortable in a group setting for that...but a text message....c'mon! We are all adults...surely you can get past your awkwardness for a second or two...

Last night I ended up getting so worked up over it that I posted a very deliberate Facebook status to express my anger/unhappiness. It read:

'It's times like these that you find out who your real friends are..'

Very quickly I received 2 emails from the most unlikely people. A very sweet message from a friend from school who has just moved interstate. I let her know what was going on, and she wrote back such a heartfelt and supportive message that almost had me in tears. See that's all it takes to make me feel like someone cares...just a token gesture. Her email was lovely and she said all the right things.

The other message was from another school friend who I have lost touch with over the years. But despite this she also sent a caring message asking if I was ok and if she could do anything for me. I didn't feel comfortable filling her in on our situation given we haven't spoken for so long, but it was a lovely gesture on her part.

I have had a few comments on the status. All quite supportive, but none from the friends who have been avoiding me.

This morning I received a guilt text from a friend. Asking what I was doing today and if I wanted to catch up this afternoon. I agreed thinking it would be a girl catch up just the 2 of us. Later another text sent asking if me and DH's mate (who lives with us) wanted to come for dinner...Not what I feel like at this point in time. Also the thought crossed my mind that perhaps her and hubby are going to spring a pregnancy announcement on us while at their house...(they have been TTC since they got married in November) and I definitely am not up for that! So I declined and suggested a girl catch up when she has free time.

Unfortunately, DH's mate decided to counter their invite with an invite to our house for dinner...and did not tell me until they had accepted this offer. I could kill him. But of course if I cancelled it then I would look like a bitch. I received a call soon after from the friend checking if this was ok...but of course being put on the spot like that I couldn't say no. So I just said it was fine. She made no mention of the girl catch up or of DH's birthday. I am not impressed.

Not sure how tonight will go. Of course there will be a gigantice elephant in the room that everyone tries to ignore. It will be awkward and no one will want to make eye contact with me. Great to feel awkward in your own home, isn't it?!? If someone does care to ask how I am, I am tempted to give them a very blunt and honest answer. Something along the lines of "It's been crap with DH away. I'm feeling very lonely and isolated. I don't sleep and I feel terrible". Be an easy way to add to the awkwardness, but I might feel slightly better...BUT as I am way too nice a hostess I will probably just smile and say I am fine and busy myself with getting drinks etc for the guests....

So there you go. Not looking forward to tonight. These friends are only coming round to see DH's mate (who is there friend also) and it's probably just more of a 'oh yeah she'll be there too'. Looks like there will be no more one on one catch ups with my girlfriend and group activities is the only way I can have any social life...

Isn't life awesome?!?!?

Another Shot at Positive Saturday

I was going to write another ranting, sad, angry post...BUT I remembered that I wrote a 'Positive Saturday' last week and figured it wouldn't hurt me to keep this up. So now lets see how long it will take me to come up with some positives...I think I am going to struggle. It would be a lot easier to write a 'Negative Saturday' post....

1. I still have some wonderful friends and family supporting me (although at the moment the friends are running thin).

2. I had some very yummy chicken and corn soup for dinner that I made in my slow cooker.

3. I still have 2 more days off work.

4. DH will be home in 3 more sleeps!!!!!

5. Had a lovely lunch with my mum, sister, sister's boyfriend, aunty and my nanny today.

6. Just had a video Skype call with DH...gotta love technology! Nice to be able to see his face as well as hear his voice.

7. We have the funniest dog...he makes me laugh and smile EVERY single day. Today he started running mad laps through the house at high speed and ran into a wall...hilarious! It didn't stop him though-he kept running around like a maniac!

8. The weather has still been nice...more sunshine than rain. Makes for a nice change.

9. From next week I am getting some more hours at work which will keep increasing until after O Week. Will be nice to have some extra cash coming in to pay off some bills.

10. It's hot but I have icy poles in the freezer to cool me off. Yum!!

Nothing major, but its nice to be focusing on these little positive things and not the big negative things happening in my life right now.

Periods, Waiting & the Weirdness of the Human Race

More terrible sleep. Stupid insomnia is making a comeback with a vengence. I didn't go to bed until around 11:30 but didn't drift off until almost 2am. Then I was rudely awoken at 5am by a bird. OMG this bird!!! It sounded like a cross between a dying bird and a dying cat! And it was SO loud! I mean I had the air con running and I could hear this thing squawking over the top of that. Eventually I managed to drown it out and fall back asleep by about 7am but then at 9am my phone rang. I was prepared to get very cranky at whoever had decided to call me, but it turned out to be DH calling to say he loved me and that he is always thinking of me. -cue chorus of awwww's- So of course I couldn't be mad at him and gave up on sleep and got up.

Tackled the housework today. Just the regular housework, not the list of extra stuff I want to do. But I did the ENTIRE house. Which is a mammoth effort as our home has 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, study, 2 living areas, kitchen & dining spread over 3 levels. Usually I don't bother with the upstairs living and spare bedrooms..but they all got the once over today. It was a cleaning frenzy! Needless to say after this I was exhausted and promptly slumped on the couch for the rest of the afternoon...except to throw things in the slow cooker for dinner.

I had some vodka and lemonade earlier...my first alcoholic drink in quite a few months. It went straight to my head and I felt quite tipsy. I am hoping it might help me sleep?!? Probably won't, but it's worth a shot. Not that I would be wanting to use alcohol on a regular basis to improve my sleeping patterns..but it's the weekend and 1 drink isn't going to hurt me.

DH's birthday is next month. On Valentines Day to be specific. I mentioned something to him about having a party, as usually he is all poo-poo on celebrating and refuses to do anything. To my surprise he agreed! And now I am freaking out about having a stack of people here and having to be social and play hostess. Eeeeek! It is the last thing I want to do at the moment. But I don't want to turn around to poor DH and say he can't have a party anymore. He deserves to do something nice for his birthday....and I don't want to spoil it for him with my downer mood. I am sure I can survive one night...I may need to get extremely drunk though. But that's ok-I'll be at home so I can pass out in my own bed! It's still a few weeks away as it won't be until the weekend after V Day as DH doesn't get home until the day after his birthday this year.

I have been madly trying to think of a present to buy him. He is hard to buy for as when you ask him if there is anything he wants he either says nothing or he rattles off something that is completely out of our price range...just to annoy me! So far I have come up with a few little things...but nothing amazing. It's the dogs birthday on V Day as well...he'll be 2 and hopefully he will finally start to settle down (for those who don't know we have a crazy dog that has managed to destroy many things at home AND at my parents house). He has actually gotten bettter over the past few months...perhaps he is finally growing out of some of his puppy habits. -cheers-

Not much else to say. Still haven't heard from our friends. I don't think there is anything I can do about it. And to be honest, if they can't deal with this...well they can get stuffed. This journey is tough enough without worrying about other people's feelings and issues. I need to put me first right now and surround myself with people who care and are not afraid to talk to me. It's a little sad, because some of these people are not ones I would have expected to do this..but I guess that's just life. If miscarriage and infertility weren't seen as such 'taboo' issues and were talked about more then perhaps people would know how to broach the subject and how to talk to someone that going through these types of things. But as adults, you would think you could try at least...-shrugs- who knows!

So still no plans for the weekend. Maybe a good thing...maybe I need more time before I face the world so to speak. I don't know. Part of me wants to get back out there and get over this anxiety and the rest of me just wants to stay in the safety of home. I'm really not good at making decisions at the moment and generally have no idea what I want. I can't make up my mind, even over the most simplest things.

I am already freaking out about how quickly (or slowly) my body is going to get back into regular cycles. I have no idea when I should expect a period or what to expect of this period. Is it going to be heavy, light, painful or long? How long should I wait for it to arrive before I start to worry? Do I go back to my current FS in the meantime if my period does not arrive for a substantial amount of time? What if I get to my new FS appointment and my period is still AWOL?!? What then?  How much more of a delay will that put on starting a FET cycle? Questions, questions and more questions...and most probably not ones that someone else can answer for me. It really is a waiting game right now. I hate that. I have no control what so ever. It would be really crap if my period does not turn up..I mean I had such lovely, regular cycles before IVF. It would be quite devastating if they don't come back. Just another set back to add to the list I suppose.

Argh, I would quite like to fast forward to the new FS appointment. I am desperately hoping that there is a cancellation and I can see the new doctor sooner...wishful thinking but I doubt it will happen.

Oh well..for now I keep waiting. You would think I would be good at this by now...

GRRRRRRR!

I survived my first week back at work...given it was only 2 days with a days break in between I suppose that isn't really much of an achievement...But it was hard for me so shhhh!

Now I have 4 days off. 4 days to wallow in self pity, cry, sleep..you know all the usual exciting packed weekend activities. But seriously, this is probably what I will wind up doing, because I have noticed that people are actively avoiding me. I get that they don't know what to say and they may find it awkward..but it still hurts a little. Even if they can't face seeing me, a text or a phone call wouldn't go astray. Make me feel like I am still connected to the human race in some way at least. I know that if DH were home I would not be being avoided to this extent. Even his mate that LIVES with us is being weird. He is staying in his room and only coming out to use the bathroom, or if he is leaving the house. This is not what he usually does. We hang out, watch TV, eat dinner together...not anymore apparantly.

Other people are just silent. No texts, no calls, no invites to stuff over the weekend. Just SILENCE.

I know miscarriage is not talked about much and it's hard to know what to say to someone and you feel like anything you say can't convey how sorry you are, or you are scared of saying the wrong thing...but seriously! I'm the one going through it, living and breathing this crappy time...it doesn't hurt people to step out of their comfort zone slightly to support a friend, does it? Am I expecting too much?!?!

To carry on with my ranting (because I am in a ranting mood)...I'm going to talk about Facebook (again). You know how I had the pregnancy annoucement the other day? Well the next day there it was...ANOTHER FREAKIN' PREGNANCY ANNOUCEMENT!!!! Seriously, how much can one girl take? This time it was from a girl I went to school with. A girl that has spent the 10 years since highschool ended, having sex with numerous men and getting high. Not much has changed since highschool actually...well except that she is pregnant! I do not understand the fairness of how fertility and infertility is dealt out...I mean who decides that crack whores and drug addicts get babies, and healthy babies at that? When there are good, decent people out there desperately trying to make a family...and they fail time and time again. It just isn't right.

I could scream and scream about the unfairness of this until the end of time...I really could. Because no one can ever give you an answer. No one thinks it's right that all these unsuitable people get to be parents, but cannot explain why it happens. It's just shit. Total shit.

Sorry for the downer...my blog is one of the only places where I can spit all this stuff out.

An Award!

I have been given an award!

The Versatile Blogger Award from Lauren at 'Lauren Vs The World'.

I must say I am pretty chuffed! So big thank you to the lovely Lauren! So what does this award mean? Well...now I must:


* Thank and link back to the person who gave me the award (that's Lauren)


* Share 7 things about myself


* Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (not sure I have 15 to award but I'll do my best)
* Make sure I contact these bloggers to let them know about the award


So here it goes...7 Things About Yours Truly!


1. When I was young I had a giant Barbie doll collection. I think I must have had between 15-20 different dolls and a giant suitcase full of clothes! They were my favourite toys and I used to set up elaborate houses all over my room and play for hours. They are all still in the roof storage at my parents house. Maybe one day I'll have a little girl to bring them out for.


2. I work at a university as a student counsellor.


3. I have Emetophobia...yup a fear of vomit/vomitting. It started when I was about 7-I freaked out one time when my sister got sick and it's something I haven't been able to control since. When someone says they feel sick or feel like they are going to vomit, I freeze. My heart starts pounding, my anxiety climbs off the scales and all I want to do is run very far away.


4. I love, love, love watching old musicals like "Singin' In The Rain" & "The Sound of Music". I know all the words to the songs and sing along every time I watch.


5. My DH and I met when we were both 18. We had gone to the same high school together, had mutual friends but did not meet until a year after school ended.


6. My favourite food is Mexican. Tacos, nachos, burritos, enchiladas, tostadas...I love it all!


7. The last book I read was "Room" by Emma Donoghue. I read it in 2 days. It's captivating but quite disturbing.


So now I just have to tag some lovely blogging buddies...


1. And So It Goes @ 'Life In The Detours'
2. Rebecca @ Crazy Lady Ramblings
3. Awaiting Our Miracle
4. Saranissa @ My Journey Towards Motherhood
5. Nani @ Paranoid & Pregnant
6. Lindsay @ Waiting For That Positive
7. Married Em @ Now What
8. Green Sprout @ The (Baby) Elephant In The Bedroom


I think I will leave it at 8 for now. So ladies-you know what to do. Share and thank, 7 things about you and spread the love to your fellow bloggers!

Survival and a Plan

I survived my first day back at work. It wasn't easy...I was an emotional wreck in the car on the drive in and wanted so very badly to turn the car around and race home to the safety of my couch...but I didn't! I soldiered on through the day, catching up on a million things that I missed last week. I wondered if I would be questioned as to why I was away but everyone just asked if I was feeling better. My standard response was 'yes, much better'...not really true but I couldn't exactly say that! I decided against sharing everything with my boss. Mostly because I knew I would start to cry if I talked about it, and I didn't want to do that at work...So for now it's still my private business.

I didn't start the day off too well. I tossed and turned most of the night worrying about EVERYTHING! I then got up this morning and decided to POAS...just to make sure the HCG has left my system. (I know, I know...a very stupid thing to do this morning of all mornings but I couldn't help myself). Of course the test was negative, but for some reason it hit me really hard that my beautiful second line was gone...Robot mode to get ready for work and stop myself from crying was how I actually managed to get showered, dressed and into the car.

I must send a special shout out and massive THANK YOU to Green Sprout for keeping me company via email for my entire working day! What a legend!! Bantering back and forth with her really helped me get through the day and not hide out under my desk.

Physically, I am well. The bleeding and cramping have completely stopped. The pregnancy symptoms have all but gone...well asides from my crazy sore nipples. I look 100% better than I did last week (which was washed out and oh so pale).

Emotionally, I feel like I am going crazy. I am turning into a recluse, anti social crazy cat woman (except I own a dog). Today was the longest I have been out of the house in well over a week. It's the first time I have left the house on my own since I went to the doctors and scan on that awful, awful Saturday.

I am not usually like this. It scares me a little.

I like to get out of the house, I like to socialise. But the thought of socialising with people outside of my home makes me want to curl up in the foetal position and rock. I have been invited to a few different Australia Day celebrations and I cannot bring myself to go. It looks like I will be sitting on the couch watching whatever pay TV has to offer with my puppy dog for company. I will be glad for the extra sleeping time...I am so, so tired.

I am keeping my eye out for myself. I know my signs of sinking back into depression. I know what to watch for. I DO NOT want to end up back in that black hole. I am not going to let infertility and TTC beat me. Which is why we now have a new plan!!

Yes, I am doing what all the optimism psychs say...I'm looking forward. DH and myself have kept coming back to the lack of support I received between when I got my BFP and when I miscarried. Most other IVFers receive monitoring in the form of BT's every second day up until their first scan (and some beyond). Many are left on progesterone supplements (such as Crinone like I was on) until they hit the magical 12 week mark. PCOSers are sometimes left on Metformin or slowly weaned off over the course of the first 12 weeks too. But what did I get?!?! NOTHING! What if this monitoring and continued meds were the difference between a miscarriage and our sticky baby? What if this miscarriage could have been prevented with something as simple as continued Crinone until 12 weeks? That freaks us out..as you can imagine.

I also had a lovely lady on BubHub who I have been speaking to send me a message suggesting I try another clinic and doctor. She is a fellow IVFer and currently 24 weeks pregnant with an amazing IVF miracle courtesy of an egg doner..her sister! The doctor she recommended works out of a clinic in Brisbane. This is about an hours drive from home and would mean lots of travel back and forth while cycling. But this man is good. He has an amazing reputation, bundles of success stories and a 2 month waiting list!

I discussed this with DH and we have decided that it's worth a shot. So I have booked an appointment. The 25th March is when we see Dr Warren DeAmbrosis at the Queensland Fertility Group clinic. 2 months away but that means:

-my body has time to sort itself out and get back on track after the miscarriage
-I have time to get a new referral from my GP
-gives us time to save some money for a FET cycle (plus the extra costs of registering with a new clinic and the costs of transfering my frozen bubsicles from our current clinic to the new one).

I am anxious about the waiting game over the next 2 months, but realistically we could be waiting that long (or longer) for my cycles to regulate again. Plus it gives me more time emotionally to come to terms with what has happened, and prepare myself to start again all positive and fresh.

I told my parents the new plan tonight and they are very supportive, as I am hoping our other friends and family will be (well I don't expect anything from my in laws...but you know the people who matter). I will also be looking into acupuncture. There is a lady locally who has a great reputation of working on IVFers and ladies who have suffered miscarriages. Can't hurt right?!

So there you have it. I am trying my hardest to look forward and not back. The wound is still raw and will take time to heal, but I am working on it. I may feel like an emotional mess but I am endeavouring to put my best foot forward and focus on our dream...a healthy baby. Looks like we are going to do whatever it takes to make our dream come true.

A Rant

SIL has proven once again that she is a selfish b%^$#.

She left a message on DH's Facebook page pretty much saying 'Have fun back at work. Oh and by the way let me tell you how amazing my baby is and how adorable she is' (ok this wasn't her exact message but you get the idea). Is it just me being extra sensitive, or is this not appropriate given what DH and I have been going through this past week?!?!?! There was no 'hope you guys are doing ok' or anything like that...just a message purely blabbing over how wonderful her child is and how she is sleeping through the night (I'm not sure why DH needs to know this though..).

But I suppose I shouldn't expect anything more. She is a selfish woman and cannot think of anyone but herself. DH has not had a phone call from his mother or sister since he told them our news. Not one word. Our friends have done more for us this past week then DH's own flesh and blood. So sad. But so freakin' typical. And you can bet that next week when DH is home again his mother will be on the phone whinging that she hasn't seen him for so long.


ARRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

How can DH be related to these people...

_________

To add fuel to my fire...a pregnancy announcement on FB. A friend of mine down south has announced she is due to have her second child..in August. Felt like a stab straight to the heart. Any month but August...this means we would have only been weeks apart in pregnancy. Our mums are friends too...they would have loved that.

Honestly, the majority of females on my Facebook page are either pregnant or have babies. I dread checking in on there now as more and more pregnancy announcements keep popping up, or I am bombarded with adorable baby photos and smiling faces of proud mums and dads. I can't bring myself to delete or start hiding people's updates...it's like a car crash...I can't look away.

So pathetic living vicariously through other people's photos...

Round 2

DH is going back to work tomorrow and I am feeling anxious...actually anxious may be an understatement. My stomach is swirling, my heart rate is up and my breathing is shallow. I feel like my whole body is wound up so tightly.
I am on edge. I can't sit still. I can't concentrate. I am a mess.

I have never suffered from anxiety before so I am beginning to wonder what the hell is going on in my brain right now. I don't know what to do about it. I am still contemplating whether I should have some counselling. My other thought is to head to the GP and get drugs. I am not one for medications but how I feel right now...well I don't know if I can cope with DH being away and work under my own steam. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of the cliff once again. One wrong step and I will end up back in my deep, dark hole...and this time I don't know if I will make it back out on my own.

The stupidest thing is that I know all the strategies that the counsellor or psych will encourage me to put in place. They will be the same strategies and tools I pass on to my own clients. But I cannot bring myself to try. I don't feel like they will work.

______________________

I also feel like once again I am falling behind. When I got my BFP I felt like I finally catching up to those ladies that I started this TTC journey with...sure I was a little behind the 8 ball, but I was coming! I was stepping into the world of pregnancy and had something in common, something to talk about and discuss. Our babies would not be too far apart...all was right in my world.

Now here I am back at the start. No time frame of when we will be able to try again. No chance of a 2011 baby (and completely missing 2010). And to make matters worse, once again I am all alone.

Please don't take this post the wrong way (if you are still sharing in this pity party). I in no way begrudge anyone their pregnancy or baby. I am not unhappy for all these ladies who have gotten through the TTC hurdle and managed to burst onto the pregnancy scene. It is more that I am sad for me. So incredibly sad that for a few short weeks I was in on this scene too. I was catching up instead of falling further and further behind, and all too suddenly this was taken away from me. I'm worried that once their babies arrive it's not going to be the same. Because more than likely I still won't be pregnant (and possibly not even any closer to becoming pregnant) and the gap will be too wide to bridge.

And I suppose this is something I will have to come to terms with. It's my issue, my 'woe is me' moment. Nothing I can do to change my situation. For whatever reason the universe has decided we have not had enough crap happen and that the first round of TTC wasn't hard enough...so here we are back for round 2...surely it can't get any worse than this?!

Giving Positive Saturday A Whirl

Taking a leaf out of Lindsay's book and taking the time to think about the positive things in my life right now. It's been a miserable week for me, but today instead of leaving you with a down in the dumps post, I am going to hopefully leave you with a smile on your face.

So here it goes...Positive Saturday!

1.My sister and her partner (who are both chefs) are coming round to our place tonight to cook us dinner. Home made pizzas which they made us a few weeks ago. They are absolutely amazing!! Yum!

2. I am blessed with wonderful friends and family who have all rallied around me this past week. What would I do without them all?!?

3. I just ate some chocolate...need I say more?

4. My husband is still home for one more day before he heads back to work. One more day and 2 more nights of cuddles for me.

5. The cramping and spotting have stopped.

6. 2 day week at work this week...thank you Australia Day!!

7. We got one of those Kinect things for the Xbox and it is so much fun to play.

8. I haven't cried today...progress.

9. Tomorrow morning I am going to one of the Sunday markets for a wander round with my mum.

10. The sun is trying to come out..hopefully the rain stays away for a few more days.

These are my footprints,



so perfect and so small.


These tiny footprints


never touched the ground at all.


Not one tiny footprint,


for now I have wings.


These tiny footprints were meant


for other things.


You will hear my tiny footprints,


in the patter of the rain.


Gentle drops like angel's tears,


of joy and not from pain.


You will see my tiny footprints,


in each butterflies' lazy dance.


I'll let you know I'm with you,


if you just give me the chance.


You will see my tiny footprints,


in the rustle of the leaves.


I will whisper names into the wind,


and call each one that grieves.


Most of all, these tiny footprints,


are found on Mummy and Daddy's hearts.


'Cause even though I'm gone now,


We'll never truly part.

pointless ramblings

I am just going to point out that I am probably posting a lot more than usual..it's the only way I can sort things out in my head and makes me feel like I am getting some of my emotions out. Please feel free to skip my posts for the next however long...they will probably be long winded, emotional and hold little to no interest to anyone but me anyway.

Today has not been the best of days. This morning we decided we would rearrange the lounge/dining area. DH figured out a way that would maximise the space a bit more and in my head it looked really good. We started moving the couch and then got to the entertainment unit with the TV and DH realised it was not going to work due to the plugs for our Austar.

'Right, we better move everything back' he said. I started bawling my eyes out. Of course DH thinks I am crying about the furniture but it was just my breaking point..I don't really care about the placement of our furniture that much...This crying turned into a full on blub fest. I let out all my 'it's not fairs' and 'why us??' to DH. Eventually when I calmed down a little more I was able to have a real heart to heart with DH. I think I have finally gotten through to him about how much I am hurting and that crying is my emotional release. Yes, it's not his way of dealing with things but he doesn't need to force his way on me. Just like I am not trying to push him into crying things out. I think I actually got through to him.

Then I pushed myself to get some housework done. Probably not the smartest idea but the dirty floors were really beginning to get to me. Once I had finished (with no help from DH which helped let loose a flood of anger, stomping around and sulking from me) I was exhausted. Then came the cramps and nausea..had me worried for a little while as I woke this morning pain free. Spotting has started again but the cramps have eased so hoping that by the end of the weekend this will be done. I also forgot to call my ob about the final BT result but I figure if there was anything to worry about he would have called me.

The panic I felt last night subsided as soon as we got in the car to go home. I went down to the shops again this afternoon and I felt the same panic and anxiety as last night. It's not a nice feeling. There were so many people there with babies and the only thing I could do to stop myself from crying was to focus on the types of prams they were pushing around. Weird I know..but it worked. I survived this trip to the shopping centre but I have a feeling I will be trying to avoid going there for a while.

I can't believe today is Friday. Only a few more days and DH will go back to work. I'll be here all alone. This usually isn't such a scary prospect, but at the moment it terrifies me. The days won't be so bad, it will be the nights. I know I will spend them in tears. I know I won't sleep. Not appealing...I guess I have to keep telling myself that it's only a week and then he will be home again. Surely I can survive a week.....

Going back to work and putting on a happy face is also something I am not looking forward to. I know work will be a distraction and keep me from sitting around the house all day, but I am concerned as to whether I can hold it together. Towards the end of last year I had 3 pregnant clients...2 were due early this year and 1 a little further down the track. What if I have to see them soon? Wearing my 'professional hat' while TTC is one thing, but to put it back on now after all this..well it's going to take a lot of work on my part. I am probably panicking about nothing, but my mind can't help but think of all these random things right now. It's ridiculous.

Right, I am rambling again. I'll come back when I can make more sense.

Panic

At the shopping centre waiting for DH while he has a haircut and all of a sudden an overwhelming seems of panic and anxiety has over come me. My heart has started racing, I'm breathing quite quickly and I would just like to curl up in the corner and cry.

It may have something to do with the enormous number of ladies walking by me with beautiful pregnant bellies or the amount of couples out with their children, or it just may be that this time last week I was here blissfully looking at baby things and dreaming of the future and our little Bubble.

It's amazing how much life can change in a week. One minute your world is complete and the next it's in ruins.

So for now I'll try breathe deeply and hope DH finishes soon so I can escape back to the sanctity of home.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Closure..sort of

This morning I packed up all my pregnancy books, the pregnancy journal/organiser I bought (but never wrote in), and the other few baby items I had (including the lovely pressies Nani & GS gave to me early on). I placed them all in a plastic storage container and put them in one of the spare rooms upstairs. This room is meant to one day be a babys room. It was really hard putting all these things away, especially when I have waited so long to have them out and use them. But it was even harder having them all sitting around reminding me of what we have lost. I suppose it was closure in a sense. When we pay off the layby from Target all those things will go upstairs too so they are not a daily reminder. I did want to cancel the layby but DH would not let me. I think it is his way of staying positive and hoping that we will have a baby someday....

My pain has eased dramatically today which is such a relief. I was beginning to feel extremely miserable lying on the couch and barely being able to move. I even managed to get out of the house and do some grocery shopping with the help of my sister. So tomorrow I hope that my blood test shows my HCG level is at 0 and I can get on with recovering. I am beginning to feel a little bit better..not quite so tired and drained and listless. My appetite is slowly coming back too and I have colour back in my face.

I have sent DH off fishing with my sisters partner this afternoon. I think DH has been going stir crazy being stuck at home looking after me this week so it's nice for him to get out and enjoy himself. I am hoping that he makes plans with friends over the weekend too. I don't feel like socialising but I am happy for him to go out and have fun. Otherwise when he returns to work on Monday he will feel like he hasn't had a break at all.

Emotionally, I am still up and down. The crying seems to hit at random times when I least expect it. I am hoping I can control it a little better when I go back to work next week. Luckily next week I will work Tuesday then have Wednesday off (for Australia Day) and then work Thursday. A good week to ease myself into things slowly. A lot of people will still be on leave so I am also hoping that no one will notice if I am not quite my cheerful self. I suppose the being away sick for a week can help with this too...

Everyone has continued to be amazing. I forgot earlier in the week to send out a thank you to all my blogging buddies who have left messages of support for me. Most of these lovely ladies are going through their own hard times but spared a kind word and thought for me. I have also been receiving some lovely messages of support on Bub Hub and have been surprised at the number of people who have followed my story on this site...Ladies who I have never spoken to have been sending me lovely words of support and expressing their sadness for me. It's amazing how close you can feel to someone despite the possibility of being hundreds of kilometres away! Makes me feel very special.

Limits

DH was so concerned about my ongoing pain that he got me an earlier appointment with the ob...it was this or a trip to the hospital. The doctor did a scan and there is nothing left...Bubble is completely gone. It was quite hard to see my empty uterus. Really hit home. So there is really no reason for me to be in such pain still, especially since the bleeding is down to spotting. I am to have one last blood test on Friday to make sure my levels have dropped completely. I think they were down to 50 something on Tuesday. If they haven't completely dropped by then and I am still in pain then it will require further investigation. I am hoping that the pain eases...I don't feel like anymore prodding or poking.

So DH has been amazing...except for one little hiccup on Tuesday night when I hopped out of the shower bawling my eyes out and he told me that I 'need to get over this'. Lovely. Just what I wanted to hear. This of course had me in even more tears (if that's possible) and him ignoring me. I was so upset but so angry that he could say that to me. I'm grieving..I'm not just going to 'get over it'. I waited 16 months to find out a baby was growing inside me and I had it taken away in a matter of weeks...that's not something one gets over quickly. -sigh-Turns out this was boy speak for 'I am so worried about you and feel so helpless that you are in pain and I can't do anything to fix it'. We talked it out a little and I explained that he needs to be a little more understanding. But if only he could have spoken up in the first place...would have saved me a lot of anger and hurt. Men!

I think I mentioned in my last post that the ob had told me it could be up to 3 months before we are able to try again. He reiterated this when I had my appointment yesterday afternoon. I have to wait for my period to happen not once but twice after the miscarriage before they will look at doing a FET cycle. So it all hinges on my body and how long it takes to get itself sorted out...and we all know how much fun it is to rely on our bodies to do the right thing...I don't know if I will care if it takes longer than 2-3 months. I don't know if I will be ready to try again then or not. I think DH will be keen to get back on track with things...but I will have to wait and see how I feel. Part of me wants to try again ASAP and the other part doesn't.  What if the cycle works and then this happens again?? How could I deal with another miscarriage within months of the first?? Or going the other way, what if the cycle doesn't work? Or we lose several of our embies in the defrosting? Then what?

I said to DH yesterday that if we use up the 6 frosties and I am still not pregnant then I think that would be it. I don't think I could put myself through another full stim cycle. It's stressful and draining and emotional. He understands. Perhaps it's just the state of mind I am in right now, I don't know...but I cannot see myself wanting to drag out TTC for years more. I don't want to be one of those couples that has done multiple stim cycles and multiple FET cycles with no success. I couldn't keep putting myself through the heartbreak of BFN after BFN. So for now...6 embies it is. Whether that means 1 FET cycle or 6 I don't know...but this will be our limit. I cannot continue to put my life on hold for TTC indefinitely. There needs to be some sort of time frame..and this can be it.

When we reach that limit, who knows? Perhaps by then I will feel ready to tackle another stim cycle or perhaps we will think about other options for children. Or maybe we will have gotten lucky and will not have to think about anything but the baby that we will be welcoming into the world...I don't know. But for the sake of our emotional well being and the sake of my physical well being...if those 6 get used up without success-I am done.

Over Before It Really Began...

I am miscarrying.

My ob has confirmed it this afternoon.

I will keep my scan appointment on Thursday to make sure I am passing everything naturally. If all is ok then I will not need a D & C. It may be at least 3 months before we are allowed to cycle again.

I don't know how I feel about that time frame. I'm torn between wanting to go again now and waiting...but not sure how long I would want to wait.

So now I know but I am in a different type of limbo land.
I'm not pregnant.
I'm not TTC.
I'm not anything anymore..

Still feeling numb. I want to cry, but the tears won't come out. They will in time I am sure.

RIP Bubble.
Mummy and Daddy loved you very much.
You will always be in our hearts. xx

here there and everywhere

I'm here. Surviving. Taking it day by day. Wondering what the outcome is going to be and when this will all be over.

The bleeding has continued until yesterday. Now today I am just in pain. It's almost like a constant stabbing pain all across my lower stomach under my belly button. The pain increases when I move, when I walk, pretty much when I do anything but lie flat on my back. My stomach feels swollen and tender. Even just a light touch is painful. Nurofen does nothing. I am debating whether to send DH out for something stronger. See how long I can cope with this. I was almost in tears before.

I went to see a GP yesterday for my BT referral. I explained what has been happening and she didn't sound too hopeful either. She even mentioned that I still might need a D & C. I am not too keen on having to go through this procedure. More because I don't like being in hospital but I guess if it's for my health and safety then I cannot refuse. I am sure my ob will give me more information on what next when I speak to him this afternoon as that's when my blood results should be in.

Going to get bloods done this morning was a mission. I did not really want to leave the house due to the pain but DH drove me and walked me in so it wasn't too bad. He is doing a wonderful job at looking after me. Sadly, he's not doing such a good job at keeping up with the housework which is making me antsy..I want to vacuum and mop as the floors are covered in dog hair...but it's too much. I just don't have the energy even if I wasn't in pain. I know housework should be the last thing on my mind, but I guess to think about anything other than the here and is now is a break.

My family and friends are also being amazing. My mum and sister are checking on me daily. Offering all kinds of help and of course a shoulder to cry on. The friends that do know (haven't told everyone that knew about the pregnancy about what's going on) are also amazing with their lovely words of support and kindness. To my surprise I got a delivery of flowers today. A gorgeous colourful arrangement from the wonderful Nani and GreenSprout. Honestly, what would I do without these 2 amazing ladies?!?! Their support and love has been my saviour over the past few days. So a great big THANK YOU to both of them for caring so much.

And how am I feeling?

Totally drained and washed out. I look even worse. Sleep has been a problem. Either my mind is in over drive or I am in too much pain to get comfortable. I nap during the day but only for about an hour at a time, and generally I feel worse than when I went to sleep. I feel void of all emotions right now. I cried when I woke up yesterday morning. It came out of the blue and all DH could say was 'why are you crying? you were fine a second ago'. I suppose being woken up at 8 in the morning by your wife bawling her eyes out is a slight shock to the system...poor guy. He's had to deal with a lot recently.

DH is angry. He has mentioned several times now his anger at the doctor and our clinic for not monitoring me more closely once we receive the first positive result. He feels that they should have done more frequent blood tests to check my levels and that I should have stayed on the Crinone longer. Despite me not really wanting to think about it...I have started to wonder whether he is right and more should have been done early on. I don't know whether it would have changed things, but at least I suppose we would have been more prepared for a negative outcome.

We have discussed trying again. DH is scared of what has happened this time and wants to know whats not to stop this happening again and again...To a certain extent I feel the same way. You do hear about women who have a successful IVF cycle then miscarriage, time and time again. I do not want to go through this over and over again. I just couldn't. But I do want a baby...so much. It's whether I am willing to suffer more heartache before we get a happy ending. At this point in time, neither of us is sure. Besides, who knows when we will be 'allowed' to try a FET cycle...I am not sure of the protocol and how long they like you to wait after a miscarriage. For all I know it could be months and months...

I got over my guilt and have taken the week off work. I got a medical certificate from the GP I saw yesterday. Emailed my boss this morning with no details, just that I was ill and would be off work for the week and that I had obtained a medical cert. Her response was lovely so this made me feel not quite as bad about taking the week off. After the pain I have been experiencing this morning I am really glad I decided to stay home..I would have been absolutely useless at work.

Sorry for the ramblings. My brain can't seem to focus on too much for long. This post is all over the place.

wish this was a bad dream...

Last night was terrible. I couldn't sleep. My brain was in overdrive thinking of all the things that maybe I did wrong and maybe that's why this is happening. Totally irrational but I couldn't stop myself. I think I finally drifted into some kind of sleep at around 1am. At 2:45 I was woken by excruciating cramps. So much more painful than even my worst period. I never expected this to physically hurt so much..stupid I know. I was in tears, rolling around my bed, wishing DH was home already. I took a couple of nurofen and this took the edge off the pain. I drifted back to sleep after 4am and was awake again before 6.

When I got up I went to the toilet...I have never seen so much blood. There were clots or tissue or something..my first thought was wondering whether that was Bubble and this was all over. Morbid but what else am I going to think?! The cramping had eased by this point which was some relief.

DH made it home after a stuff around at airport parking. I pretty much threw myself into his arms and started bawling my eyes out. He didn't say anything, just held me. We haven't really talked. He has asked how I am and I have given him the gory details. I don't think we really know what else to say. We never expected this. Everything has been going perfectly. This was our turn. Our chance at a happy ending. Our baby.

A miscarriage was not on our minds. It was not meant to be on the cards. Everything was supposed to go normally. After everything we have been through to get here, surely we deserved a healthy and uneventful pregnancy?!?! The universe obviously didn't think so...

I am still bleeding. Not as much as this morning though. Still cramping but again nothing like it was this morning. This really makes me think that the worst might be over. That Bubble is gone. Getting more bloods done on Tuesday seems pointless. I know what the outcome will be.

I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to get past this. It was such a long and emotional road to get here, to get pregnant...and now it's been taken away from me. I don't want to go back to the beginning. I don't want another TWW or failed cycle. I don't want to be back on that rollercoaster. 16 months was long enough.

Yes we have 6 embies on ice. But that doesn't guarantee us anything. They don't always survive the thaw. A FET cycle may not work. What if they want to do a medicated FET and I am back on the hormonal rollercoaster of drugs? I don't know if I can deal with that again. I feel like I used up the last of my strength and luckily enough we got our Christmas wish and I could move on. But now...now I am meant to pick myself up and dust myself off and keep going?!?! I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to.

Bubble, our little one that we have fought tooth and nail for may not make it.

I woke this morning to a bleed. Old blood which made me feel slightly better, but freaked out none the less. Especially as it was accompanied by the period cramps I have been experiencing on and off for the past few days. Called my doctors office and got an after hours number to call. Spoke to the doctor and he suggested seeing my GP and getting a referral for a scan and some blood tests. At 7am on a Saturday morning this was no easy task. Most GPs don't open until at least 8am. I managed to get an appointment at a local medical centre for 8:45am.

The GP I saw was brilliant. Understanding and willing to do whatever I needed. Instead of sending me to a blood place he took the blood himself and organised to have it picked up ASAP. He then called a scan place and managed to get an on call sonographer to meet me for an appointment at 11am. He was amazing!! Tempted to make him my new GP because of his above and beyond service.

Went home to wait until it was time for my scan. I paced a lot.

Got there for my scan slightly early and the sonographer wasn't there yet. Not long after I arrived they get a call to say she will be another half hour. The receptionist offers for me to empty my bladder and start again with the water consumption. I accept and dash to the loo. More bad news.

Fresh blood and clots (big ones). I almost burst into tears in the toilet but hold it together. I do not want to be the blubbering mess in the waiting room. Time passes slowly and all I can do is freak out and panic internally. Eventually the sonographer arrives.

She tries an external scan first. I knew that wasn't going to work and consent to the internal. The look on her face does not give me comfort. Her silence for what seems like forever does not give me comfort. The amount of time she looks over things definitely does not bring me comfort. Eventually she shows me Bubble.

Bubble is only measuring 5w5d and I should be 7w3d. The heartbeat is only 90BPM. At this stage it should be over 100 at least. She points out another of her concerns which is that the sac does not look like it is attached and appears to be moving around. I want to cry, but don't.

Scan over. Pay my bill. Collect my films. The report worries me.

"There appears to be a large haemorrhage in the endometrial cavity and the GS appears to move freely up and down in the fluid, changing shape as it does."

That sure doesn't sound good to me. I spend the afternoon waiting until I can call my doctor back about the bloods and hopefully to get his opinion on the scan.

My mum and sister come round. Take me back to mums. Make me eat. Distract me. Comfort me.

I manage to finally get a hold of DH. Did I mention that his phone was off? Well it was..while he was sleeping. I tell him what's been going on. He's angry. Swears. Wants to know why the doctor hasn't been monitoring me. Tells me he wants me to call the doctor now and find out whats going on.

I call my doctor. He is not optimistic. Scan does not sound good. My HCG and progesterone have dropped..they should be higher. Another BT Tuesday. If my levels are still dropping then he says it means I am definitely miscarrying. There is still a slight chance, but not much.

I cry, and cry and cry. Then I have to call DH and tell him over the phone that we might lose our Bubble. What a thing for him to wake up to. A message from me telling him to call him ASAP and then when he does his whole world comes crashing down. The thing we wanted more than anything in the world is being taken away from us.

DH's amazing supervisor has gotten him on the first flight out tomorrow morning. He will be home by around 9am. I am so glad they are letting him come home. I can't do this without him. I need his comfort and his strength.

I have been bleeding on and off all day. It's still fresh blood. It's more than spotting. The cramping continues. To me this does not add up to Bubble's survival.

After everything it took us to get here, I can't believe it's probably going to be taken away.

My little Bubble. Our miracle.

Baby Buys...and some TMI

**WARNING...WAY TO MUCH INFORMATION!**


I have gone from one extreme to the other. From constipation  to diarrhoea. I'm not sure which is worse! The diarrhoea hit last night just before I went to bed. As I was already freaking out, it made me panic even more. Especially when in the early hours of the morning I woke up with what felt just like period cramps. I lay awake from about 4am-6am worrying like crazy before I drifted back to sleep for another hour before my alarm went off. The cramps have not returned. The diarrhoea has which make me wonder if this will be a nightly occurance?!

I was exhausted all day. I think I only managed about 4 hours sleep. Then mid afternoon a headache came on, which is only just starting to fade now at almost 9pm. I am so glad days off start tomorrow...2 days of work after almost 3 weeks off is plenty!

Feeling a little more positive about Bubble today. Symptoms all still there (despite my lack of morning sickness) and this evening I have actually started to feel quite nauseous (though that could be the headache). I am determined to stay positive. There is only 1 more week until my scan. Bubble will be fine.

I went to the Target baby sale tonight. I figured part of staying positive is starting to prepare for Bubble's arrival. So I put $150 worth of baby stuff on lay-by! Definitely a good start. I picked out some clothes. Mostly all in one short sleeve jump suits and singlets. All in gender neutral colours of course! Although I am determined that if we have a girl I will not insist on her wearing pink and purple and frills and flowers all the time! I looked at a cot but decided I didn't like it enough to buy it. I also scored a Childcare Fizz Highchair for $39. Nothing fancy but I figure why does it need to be fancy when it's going to get covered in food!

My favourite purchase is the Bright Starts Bouncer and Play Mat set which was on sale for $50. So cute!

So there you go, the beginnings of our baby collection. It's actually quite exciting. I could have gone nuts and bought up a stack more gizmos and gadgets. I am still tempted to go back for a Jolly Jumper. I know a few people who rave over them. They were only $35 so I may just go back and buy one if I make up my mind.

I sent DH a message letting him know what I ended up putting on lay by and his text back was so cute. 'That's so cool. We are having a baby!'. It's nice to know he is excited about all of this. We even had a good discussion this afternoon about prams. Have told him about the few I have my eye on and he is keen to get to the baby shops when he gets home to check them all out! Yay for an interested daddy to be!

A Milestone, a Freakout & Something Sweet

7 Weeks today!

1 week and 1 day until we get to see Bubble.
5 weeks until we reach the 12 week mark.

Paranoia has kicked in today. I am 7 weeks pregnant. Where is the morning sickness? How come my symptoms aren't changing? Maybe Bubble is not doing so well. Maybe we won't hear a heartbeat next week.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

My head is swimming. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to be rational. But it's not working. Freaking myself out (and hopefully for nothing). I have no idea how to eliviate these fears. I don't think anything will until I see that little blob on the screen and hear a beautiful heartbeat. Nothing else will help me to relax. Not until I know our little Bubble is safe and healthy.

I am sure everything is fine and Bubble is happily making him/herself at home but there's always a 'what if'.

The rain eased here overnight and after a few showers this morning we had some sunshine. Helped to start drying the water on the roads. Still not out of the woods yet. There are still flood warnings in place and many roads closed. Towns still isolated and running out of food. Brisbane is suffering from the rising of the river. I am grateful that my local area has been very lucky and not flooded to the extreme like many other towns. I watched this clip on You Tube with photos from the flood affected areas. So sad to watch, especially when you recognise many of the places. Some of it is unbelievable. Where can all this water come from?!!? It's like something out of a movie.



On a more positive note, I just got the cutest text message from DH...

'Goodnight. Love you, Bubble & Jett.'

He is on night shift so we talk on the phone after I finish work and then if he gets a chance I get a good night text. I got all teary reading this one though. Oh and Jett is our dog if you are wondering!

Need a Distraction

Still raining..well pouring is more accurate. The highway is cut from both north and south. Towns only 40 minutes away are being evacuated. More and more roads in our local area are flooding. I ended up staying home from work today as I did not want to travel in this weather. Also my driveway is looking like a pond and I was a bit worried about flooding so figured I better keep an eye on it. I'm freaking myself out a little. It doesn't help that DH keeps messaging me asking for updates and he called before saying 'oh maybe you should go to the supermarket and stock up on food'. Eeek!! I can't stand to think of the situation being that serious...although I have been madly filling up all the spare bottles with water..just incase.

Probably just being super paranoid, but I can't help it! I am trying not to stress as I know it's no good for me or Bubble but I can't help it. I think it's because DH isn't here and I have to deal with whatever happens on my own. Another silly thought as my parents are just up the road and I know they will look out for me.

Ok so I am getting myself all worked up now...I'm all teary! Damn you pregnancy hormones!!

So since I stayed home from work today I decided to continue my baby product research! I decided to give the prams another try and I am slowly narrowing down my needs/wants which is making it easier to pick out certain models. I know I still want to get to the shops and test some prams out in person, but it will help if I have narrowed down our choices! The few I have my eye on are the Steelcraft Strider Plus (not sure if 3 or 4 wheel would be better). This one has options for capsule, bassinet & a toddler seat which is what I really want. I do also like the look of the Mountain Buggy Urban Jungle but there is no option for a toddler seat. There are a couple of other prams I wouldn't mind looking at, but these 2 seem to keep popping up!

You may think I am jumping ahead with wanting a toddler seat, but with what it is costing us to keep our little embies on ice ($580 every 6 months) I think we will be trying for a second child sooner rather than later. I figure if we already have a pram that can take 2 children then it's one less thing to buy second time round.

I really need a distraction from this weather..I can't help but keep checking the updates available online.

Weather Woes

Well DH made it back to work luckily! The highway was closed last night due to flooding but reopened again this morning. Just after DH got through it was closed again and a massive detour put in place. This rain is just never ending...

I was watching on the news all the towns that have been hit severely..it was so sad. People have lost their homes and animals. Whole towns are underwater. Some towns had just started the clean up from floods just after Christmas and have been hit again. It's devastating! We live in a big state but it seems a very big proportion is flood affected currently. There has been a flood relief appeal opened to raise money for the victims and I heard on the news tonight that so far they have raised almost $30 million dollars. Warms my heart to think there are so many generous people out there willing to help others. The human race hasn't turned completely selfish.

For the non Aussies that may be reading try 'googling' Queensland floods and check out the latest news headlines. Might give you a better picture than I can paint.

So now I just have to hope that the rains don't hit up where DH is based for work. Then he might be stuck there! So far the rain has not hit where he is since before Christmas so hoping he stays dry. I would hate for him to miss our first chance to see Bubble.

On the baby front, I am feeling very teary about DH having gone back to work. I haven't been home alone for 3 weeks and now DH and his mate have both gone back to work, so it's just me and the dog (who is currently sound asleep on my bed). I think DH didn't want to leave with the weather the way it is. He went round the house rounding up his camping lanterns and putting them on charge so I had light incase of a blackout. He also reminded me about my storm kit that he made up for me (with a radio, batteries, torch, tape for windows etc etc) and where it was. He also kept telling me to be careful driving in the rain and if I saw water over the road up to a certain measurement that I should turn around and go home. Very sweet but also made me a bit nervous!

Nausea has kicked in a little more today even though I tried not to let myself get too hungry. Perhaps its a sign of things to come?!? Just in time for going back to work...eeek! Boobs are still very sore. Still super tired. Only mild cramping but definitely different to period cramps. Hopefully this all means Bubble is sticking around...

Been browsing online at baby stuff today. I am itching to start buying! Target's baby sale starts on Thursday and I have decided I am going to go and take advantage of their no deposit layby! There are some good bargains from what I have seen in the catalogue so I figure it's a great opportunity to start a baby stash! I have roped my sister into coming with me and she is very excited! Not sure if i will put any big ticket items on layby or just go for some small stuff for now. Will see how I feel when I get there Thursday night and if anything catches my eye.

I also started taking a closer look at prams today. Wow! So many options...It all gets a little much but have started narrowing down what I want. The biggest problem I have come up against is that I cannot get a pram that has/does everything I want!! Which means I have to compromise somewhere and give some features up. -sulks- Not sure where to start with that so I have put prams in the 'too hard pile' and figure I will pick it up again once I have actually played with some in the shops. Plan to do that when DH is home next so I can get his opinion.

Back to work tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. I know it will still be quiet so that is a saving grace...if I start to go down hill shortly with morning sickness at least I won't have too much on my plate. Also, I might be able to close my door and sneak in a nap!!

HPT Crazies

My POAS count now stands at:

6 First Response
2 Digital
4 Internet Cheapies (thanks Greensprout!)
2 OPKs (thanks again to GS!)

Overkill?!? Maybe slightly. But it makes me feel better!

In the last 24 hours I have used my last FR and digital tests. I will not be buying anymore! I still have a few OPKs and ICs that GS gave me last time we caught up. They will suffice between now and my scan. I must say when the digital came up 'pregnant' yesterday afternoon, it was still really nice to see that word come up. Some days I am still slightly in disbelief that this is actually happening. That after all our struggles I am actually pregnant. I think until I see Bubble up on screen and hear his/her little heartbeat then I won't quite believe this.

The weather has turned absolutely miserable here. As I type, torrential rain falls outside and the dog keeps barking at the thunder. I am slightly concerned as DH decided today he wanted to go out moto riding with his mate. I'm not sure how much fun moto riding in the pouring rain is...but he has been gone several hours already so perhaps lots of mud is making it more fun?!? Not looking forward to washing those clothes...might make him do it before he leaves!

Rain is not exactly the best way to see out my last few days of holidays. Was hoping to squeeze in another beach day but thats definitely not going to happen now!! I am so sick of this wet weather. It really makes me feel unmotivated to do anything. I mean, it's 1:30pm and I am still in my PJs! Lazy bum!!

BBQ last night was great. It didn't rain...well it waited until I was driving home! There were quite a few friends there that don't know I am pregnant so I kept having to turn down drinks. No one actually asked why I wasn't drinking but I got a few strange looks when I didn't even want a sip of a new drink someone had bought. DH made a comment a few times that I was the DD (designated driver) so that probably helped in no one pushing the issue. I even lasted until about 11pm which after all the cleaning was a good effort!! However once we got home I couldn't sleep...and I woke up at 6am and could not get back to sleep. Despite feeling exhausted each night I am finding it harder and harder to get to sleep. Strange.

Baby Brain & Bubble

My latest pregnancy symptom...BABY BRAIN!!

I did not think this was a real thing, until now! I am now a world class ditz and this has been slowly getting worse and more noticable over the past week. DH and his mate pointed it out to me last night after I came out asking DH how I had hurt my little toe (it's bruised black and blue) as for the life of me I could not remember! DH's mate pipes up with 'how can you not remember how you hurt yourself?' I had no good answer for that so he continued with 'the more pregnant you get, the more brain cells you are loosing!' and started laughing at me.

I am not sure how I will go at work. I have been forgetting so many things. Oh well, will be interesting! I suppose as long as I don't forget a clients name while I am talking to them! That would be embarassing!!

I over did things again this morning. I woke up with the cleaning bug and wanted to clean everything in sight! I managed to clean the tops and fronts of all my kitchen cupboards (which I have been wanting to do all holidays), clean the mould off the bathroom walls and door and clean some windows. I even managed to convince the boys to clean the outside of all the windows and the screens! Plus they cut down some tree branches which were hanging a little close to the house for my liking. All in all, a good effort!

I wanted to do more and so many things are staring me in the face yelling 'clean me' but I stopped. Spent the rest of the day on the couch and even had a nap. Still not feeling raring to go but hoping I will be able to remain awake at a friends BBQ tonight until a reasonable hour!

As for other symptoms..

-boobs and nipples still incredibly sore; sleeping in a mat bra is helping but I still want to invest in one of those sleep bras which has been recommended
-getting up 3-4 times a night to pee; plus peeing very regularly throughout the day
-crazed hormonal outbursts are now a regular occurance
-some slight nausea on and off throughout the day but nothing having something to eat doesn't fix
-decreased appetite/change in food tastes
-cramping has returned the past few days; hoping it's just embie snuggling in even tighter and getting comfortable; trying very hard to not become paranoid over this

I am definitely feeling pregnant, so not overly worried about the cramps..but I suppose there is always going to be that one little part of your mind which jumps to worst case scenario. I am trying to avoid this little voice at the moment as the cramps are no different to the ones I was experiencing a few weeks ago, they are painful more uncomfortable and I have experienced no bleeding or spotting. For now, in my mind our little one is fine!

DH and I have decided to call our little one 'Bubble'. I broached the subject of giving the embie a nickname with DH thinking he would decide this was weird, but almost straight away he came up with 'Bubble'. I think its cute...if only choosing real names was going to be that easy!

So Bubble, stay sticky. Can't wait to see you up on that screen and hear your little heartbeat.