dazed and confused..

I finally made it to my FS appointment. It was a long day waiting for the clock to tick round to 3:45pm but it got there eventually.

Get into the Dr's office and he takes a look at my file. And the initial conversation went something like this.....

'Ah you had the HyCoSy done?' 

'Yup-I have the results here'
'No they sent them to me...yes all ok. Hmm..you had the AMH blood test too.'
-silence as he looks at results on his computer screen-
'Oh..well there's the problem.'
-my heart starts pounding in my chest as I wait for him to elaborate-
'Your AMH is 40.3.' 
'Is that bad??????' -while internalising a mini freak out-
'Levels under 30 are normal. When they go above this it indicates Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.'

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was gobsmacked. 
I couldn't have PCOS. I don't have signs or symptoms of PCOS. 
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I sorta half tuned out after he said PCOS. I was in shock (still am). The appointment was very quick from that point. 

He has prescribed me Metaformin and Letrozole. From what I can gather Letrozole is like Clomid. As he wanted me to start these today he rushed me off to a chemist (hence I was in and out of his office in 15 mins as the chemist that he knew stocked the Letrozole was a good 20 mins away). He also sent me for a blood test to look at male hormones or something like that.

In the quick time I had with the FS, I was told to come back on CD14 (well actually I go back CD16 as CD14 is on the weekend) so he could do an ultrasound and see what my ovaries are doing once the drugs are in my system. If they don't respond how they should or whatever, then I will most likely have to get a laparoscopy (plus some other stuff but I cannot for the life of me remember what was said) done. I don't know where we go from that though...

I rushed down to the chemist before they closed to collect my scripts. Another shock to be had there as the Letrozole cost me $195!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So with the Metaformin I spent over $200 at the chemist...Not impressed if this will be a monthly expensive.

I also managed to get my BT done as there was a QML right next door to the chemist as luck would have it. 


So now I start these drugs I suppose...and count down the days until my next appointment with the doctor on the 12th July. And inbetween DH and I need to have sex on CD12, 14 & 16 according to the doctor..this should be no problem this month as DH arrives home CD10 and leaves on CD16. CD16 is also the day of my appointment, so depending what time he has to leave he might even be able to come with me for that...

So my TTC girls are all excited for me as I have a 'diagnosis' and a way forward. 


I'm not at that point yet. I still can't believe the diagnosis of PCOS. It just seems so random. It doesn't seem to fit. Why the hell didn't my body give me some indication so this was picked up months ago???? Then perhaps it would have been dealt with by now and I could be pregnant.


I think it was overlooked because I had been pregnant before...perhaps if I had not of been then they would have ruled out the possibility of PCOS earlier on (like maybe when I went and saw my GP and had the stack of BTs done). 


I'm angry at my body for not giving me a sign. But I'm also angry at the doctors because surely this could have been picked up sooner????????? 


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. 


This is doing my head in.

 
     
  

Freaking Out

I am freaking out about my FS appointment.

I am nervous..who knows why?!? Just me being stupid I suspect. I have butterflies the size of small kittens slamming around my stomach right now. It's unpleasant to say the least...

I am scared that I will get the brush off. I am scared that he will want to do more tests before putting some sort of action in place.

I am petrified that I will walk away unhappy and upset. Which means I will have to go about finding a new FS...

This equals more wasted time. More cycles doing nothing more than what we have done for the past 12 (which obviously IS NOT WORKING!).

I can't handle that. More waiting will drive me completely round the bend. Doing nothing will send me over the edge which I am precariously balancing on right now...

*sigh*

I know this isn't meant to be easy (wait a second..it is easy for the majority of the population) but I have had enough.

I know I say this again and again, but seriously I am at breaking point.

This HAS to go well.

Only 2 and three quarter hours to go.....


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a little bit fuzzy

 So this is me right now. Sick.


Woke up this morning feeling even worse then I felt last night. Runny/stuffed up nose, fuzzy head, watery eyes. Miserable!!


I would have loved to stay at home in bed, but I had to go to work. Not a very good idea!


I haven't been into work since Wednesday last week as I had a conference to attend Thursday & Friday, and I don't work Mondays. Over these days we moved offices...well we moved to the upstairs space that has just been renovated and now the downstairs space will be renovated and some of us will move back down when its done. I am one of the ones who gets to move twice..lucky me! But I am excited as I finally get a real office with 4 walls and a door!!


So I walk into my new (temporary) office and all my boxes are everywhere..plus my computer and phone are NOT set up!  Not very impressed...spend the next 30 minutes trying to set them up and realise my computer keyboard has died in transist and does not work anymore! Cue more time to find another one that does work....I finally get logged on and I have 86 emails in my inbox!!!!  Not cool!


I spent most of the day catching up and trying to dig out the stuff I use most from the boxes. I could not face doing a total unpack today. Just wasn't feeling up to it.


After a cranky end to the day (can't be bothered to go into details but it involved someone palming some disgruntled students off onto me and telling them I could fix their issues..but THIS IS NOT MY JOB!!). Definately didn't need this when I was feeling unwell, plus it made me look like an idiot in front of the students which is not on!

I was so glad to get home today. I am hoping tomorrow I will feel better as I have a million things to organise for mid year orientation on Thursday and I have to leave work early tomorrow to get to my FS appointment.

I still haven't sat down and written all my questions down for him. I want to feel prepared and make sure I ask him everything I can possibly think of! I am really hoping I walk away feeling satisfied. I don't think I can cope with a letdown at this stage..and definately can't cope with the thought of finding another FS and starting again.

CD2

Well I survived the night...Still pain this morning but not as crippling as last night. The Advil seems to be doing the trick now and keeping the pain at bay (at least for 4 hours at a time). Will give the heat pack another burl tonight and see how I go.


DH has gone back to work. I am feeling really bummed about it.  I think I'm just feeling emotional about everything at the moment. Need to work out how to pull myself out of this slump.


Back to work tomorrow. Hoping AF has eased slightly as I will be busy making last minute arrangements for mid term orientation. Hoping I can get through the next 2 days at work without too much drama..I just want it to be Wednesday afternoon and time for my FS appointment.


Gotta work out all the questions I want to ask him...still haven't written my list.  Where to start?? How about-how come I haven't fallen pregnant yet?????? I keep having visions of myself falling apart during the appointment...I don't wanna do this. I don't want to cry to the FS.


 to all my new followers. I am sorry I have been slack with the welcome. It's been a bit dramatic around here...so hello and thanks for reading! I think I am following all your blogs, but if not..let me know!

Agony...

AF is being a serious bitch.

I am in pain. I have had about 4 advil in around 2 hours and it doesn't even seem to be having any affect. The heat pack is not helping either.

It's almost 10pm on a Sunday night. No chemist open to get stronger drugs. I will just have to lie here and hope I can sleep away the pain.

My stomach feels rock hard, bloated and heavy. Lying down seems to ease the pain ever so slightly.

Have never felt pain like this during a period before...

Makes me remeniscent of the good old days when I was on the pill and could skip this all together!

I am slowly climbing back out of my pit of despair...it still hurts but I can't stay down here on my own forever no matter how crap life is sometimes.

Thinking of the FS appointment and the million things I want to ask...must make a list...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

CD1..starting our 13th cycle of TTC

The title says it all.

AF hit this morning. It's bad. Really heavy and really bad cramps.
Ouch.

Still not on the up and up yet. Perhaps after my FS appointment Wednesday when I have some perspective...but right now I am content to wallow.

DH goes back to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to that. It would be nice if he would be around for the FS appointment. I have a feeling I will want a shoulder to cry on and some massive cuddles. Guess I will just have to settle for his voice over the phone...

Trying to keep busy and distracted. Went and picked up our dining room table and chairs yesterday!! It's been sitting at friends place for about 6 months now (we are buying it from her). I am in love. Its a gorgeous square table with 4 chairs. Only smallish but with the space we have for it...its perfect. We have never had a dining room table before, so it's abit of a novelty!! Infact I am sitting at it now with my laptop. I think this will become my study area once uni starts...

Out to lunch with my sister and her boyfriend today. Mexican..my favourite! So I can gorge on lots of yummy food...mmmmmm.

Not much else.

Thanks to my wonderful girls. Your thoughts, kind words and virtual hugs mean the world to me. How would I survive all this without you?

47 weeks and counting...

Today marks 47 weeks of TTC. Milestone? Pfft...would have been if I turned out to be UTD this cycle...

BFN on a FRER this morning. Not even a hint of a second line. There was no doubt that there was only 1. Of course this set off the water works. I was a blubbering mess. 

I cried.
I yelled.
I stamped my feet.

Pretty much had the hissy fit which has been building inside me for quite sometime.

DH was wonderful. He just handed me tissues and let me rage. Once I got the stamping/hitting things out of my system, he gave me hugs. And listened. And commisserated and generally agreed with everything that came out of my mouth...

I raged against the drug addicts and alcoholics that managed to get pregnant and have babies.

I raged against the parents of the foster children I used to care for who kept having children.

I even raged against my cousin who has 2 children, to 2 different fathers...and neither daddy is around.  

Did I feel better afterwards? Slightly.
But it still didn't change the fact that here we are 47 weeks of TTC. 47 weeks of unprotected sex. 47 weeks of waiting and wishing and hoping....

ALL FOR NOTHING.

AF cramps started up later this afternoon, but the witch is still yet to show her face. I'm not f&%$ing pregnant...hurry up! Surely I deserve that at least...rather than this waiting and wondering WTF is going on.

I am in a low place right now. I knew this month it would hit me hard if we didn't succeed. I knew I shouldn't have let myself get so excited. But that's all well and good in hindsight.

Now I need to work out how I manage to pick myself up, dust myself off and get ready to go through all this craziness again. Secretly hoping that this will be the last time, but knowing in my heart that the chances of that are slim...

I am trying to look forward to my FS appointment and hoping it goes well. I am hoping I get some answers, and hoping even more for an action plan. I want to walk out of the appointment happy. If it doesn't go well, then there is the added time of going back to GP, getting a new referral for someone else and then seeing how long it takes to get an appointment with a new FS.

I don't want to go down this road...it's more wasted time.

I cannot look further ahead than Wednesday at this stage. I don't even want to think about anytime after that appointment. I just can't do it right now.

I'm hurting and I want it to stop.

spotting

Universe and my body were obviously playing a sick joke on me.

Went to the loo and when I wiped there were a few spots.

Yes , yes it might be implantation..but when you have tried to tell yourself that almost every month you have been TTC when the spotting starts...well you tend not to fall for that anymore.

So I guess I can add sore, hard nipples to my list of 'pre-AF symptoms' and wipe it off the 'possible pregnancy symptoms'.

I was in the middle of a positive blog post...but I don't feel like finishing it now.

BFN

BFN this morning on an IC. Didn't bother with a FRER..didn't want to waste it. See how I feel tomorrow morning...

CD26..surely something should show up???

Still feeling same 'symptoms' as the past few days. Cramps seem to be easing (at the moment).

Thanks to my cheerleaders who are still holding out hope. Means a lot to me.

I don't want to be at this work conference...want to go home!

Oh..some good news! I got my laptop yesterday!!! Woohoo!

CD25...holding out hope

Held strong and did not test this morning!!! Go me!! The funny thing is I got up to go to the bathroom cos I was busting and when I got back into bed DH started asking when I was going to test..I'm like not today..I did yesterday and it was negative. He was a little peeved that I had tested without telling him, but I explained that it was only with a cheap test and I was saving the good ones. He then proceeded to try and convince me to go use a FR right then. Was quite funny!! I explained that FMU was best and that maybe I would try a FRER tomorrow morning.

DH is almost convinced I am pregnant. The sore nipples plus the fact that they are almost constantly hard is not usual for me and he has decided there is no other explanation! It's nice that he is so hopeful and involved. He generally hasn't bought it up much since we hit the 6 month mark of TTC. So I am stoked that he is openly talking about it and initiating conversations. It makes me feel like he really does want this as much as I do even if he isn't always as vocal about it.

I am cautiously excited...I have been here before thinking everything pointed to being pregnant...and then AF showed up and ruined the party. I don't want to set myself up for a massive fall....BUT I think it's too late. Oh well...not much I can do but dust myself off as best I can and prepare myself for the next step.

Insomnia still prevailed last night. Not much fun being super tired at a conference when you are meant to be listening and not yawning your head off!! Oh well...it's better than sitting at my desk all day!

Nothing else stands out as a pregnancy sign. CM still inbetween creamy and watery...sitting here typing this now and feeling a little dizzy but I do suffer from benign positional vertigo so it could be that making a reoccurance...yuk! Cramps still on and off..kinda AFish but not. Bloated but that is not unusual pre AF so can't count that!

Sick of waiting!!! Give me 2 lines or give me AF. I can't wait much longer without going insane!!!

Ups and downs

BFN this morning...and after convincing myself as I lay awake last night that this IS IT-I must be pregnant...it was a real let down.

I could not sleep last night..so so tired but had real trouble getting to sleep. And even then I tossed and turned..I was too hot,too cold, uncomfortable, needed to get up and pee...

It also didn't help that because DH was so tired (he had finished work at 6am and made himself stay up until I went to bed..which was like over 24 hours with no sleep) he snored...and was talking in his sleep about random things.

Argghhhhhh!!!!! I just wanted some sleep!!!

We went to bed at 8:30pm. I was still awake at midnight and had been up to the loo twice...I must have gotten a few hours eventually as I don't feel too awful. I am sure it will hit me soon once the coffee wears off.

My nipples are still painful. I still experiencing cramps. Lots of CM..but it's alternating between creamy and watery..no idea what that means.

I am CD24 today. Tempted to crack out a FRER but don't want to waste them! Still plenty of ICs but not sure how sensative these are...I will try hold out using the FRs til the weekend..surely if I am UTD it will show by then?!?

*sigh* I just want to be put out of my misery..even if it means AF turns up..

Hmmmmm...

Just a quick one...

CD23 and a BFN this morning. Don't know why I keep doing it to myself.

Had a great morning with GS..wonderful to catch up again in person and talk to someone who gets all this stuff. Thanks so much GS!!!

DH is home safe and sound for 7 days. Yay! Lots of cuddles for me and he can help me pick up the pieces when AF shows.

Only possible pregnancy symptom is crazy sore nipples...they hurt touching up against my bra, hurt when water touches them in the shower...and seems to be getting worse. A little ray of hope for me..but possibly short lived as having some cramps tonight which feel like AF gearing up for some fun...

I just want this cycle over so I can get past the dissapointment and ready for the next step with the FS....

meh

I have done almost nothing all day. I had a massage this morning, came home and stuck a load of washing in the machine. Then had something to eat and laid down to watch some TV. Next thing you know it's 2:15pm and I'm waking up from a possibly very, very long nap...!

And I am still exhausted. I cannot fathom the energy right now to do anything. I had planned to clean the house today, do several loads of washing and do some baking...

I have done one load of washing..and its still sitting in the machine. I can't even bring myself to nick to the shops and get some milk so I can actually bake a cake..*sigh* 

Sick of being so tired. I had a massive sleep last night...went to bed before 9pm and slept til around 7:30am. So why am I still exhausted??!?!?!?! Grrrrr....

DH is home tomorrow..still hasn't got his flight details..which doesn't suprise me as his supervisor is a lazy p#%$k who does nothing.

Sorry...I am in a shit of a mood. Which makes me really think that AF is just around a corner..mood swings galore is usually a good sign..along with me eating everything in the house (which has been happening since yesterday). So to AF....F#%$ you!!

Here's to another wasted cycle. 
Another outcome of nothing and another month of not being pregnant.

Excuse me while I go and have a good cry...

Rules...

I must not get my hopes up.
I must stop googling early pregnancy symptoms.
I must stop reading into every little thing.
I must not fantasise about getting a BFP this cycle.
I must stop myself from testing every day.

I must stop being delusional...

CD17

Just a quick post for now..I need to collect my thoughts before I write about some stuff that's come up today.

Cramping continues, as does the POAS addiction. Another BFN for me this morning. Yes, yes I know it's way too early..really I could be anywhere between 1-5 DPO so a positive isn't going to show up...but I just can't help myself.

Lots of creamy CM appeared last night..weird.

I am over analysing every little thing. I will be insane by the time my real test date comes around. I had almost forgotten how crazy I get in the TWW..it's been awhile!

I called and booked into my FS today. I figured I should get in now for around when AF is due. No this isn't the pessimist coming out (well maybe a little) but really it's about being organised so I dont waste another cycle. I want action next time round!! So it was lucky I called as first available appointment was the 30th June. Right around when AF will be due (or she might have even arrived) so I am hoping it won't be too late if Doctor decides that clomid or something similar is the next step...

We will be up to cycle 13 and close to a year of TTC by then. Yuk...

Today's dragging at work and I have a lot of stuff running around in my head..it's making it hard to think straight. I'll be back later once I figure out what it is I want to say..

CD16

My body has decided to play games with ne again.

The cramping has continued all night and still happening today. It's all the way across, not to one side like my ovulation pains have been in the past. Also my O pains have been more short, sharp pains. Whereas what I have been experiencing are definate cramps. I keep going to the bathroom to check if my body is really screwing me over and giving me an extremely early AF...but nothing! CM is definately not fertile looking..no signs of anything remotely close to EW.

What are you doing body?????

One little thought popped into my head in the wee hours of the morning. Perhaps I O'd early and this was implantation cramping?!? Let excitement and craziness take over for a short time when I POAS this morning. BFN of course, but a girl can dream right??? I have plenty of cheap HPTs so I may as well let the TWW crazies gain control now and let my POAS addict be satisfied...feels like forever since the last time I got to test! Silly thing is I don't even know if I am in the TWW!!!! I may have not even ovulated yet...earliest it's happened is CD12 and latest is CD16.

Nothing much I can do now, but obsess and wonder! Let the waiting begin....ugh.

Still holding out hope that Shel will get her positive in the next few days. Positive thoughts headed your way hun!!

If someone happens to invent a fast forward machine will they let me know?? I just want the next 2 weeks gone so I know if it's back to the fertility specialist for the next stage of testing or whatever he decides is our next step...

the pitter patter of pity...

DH has gone. I am feeling really emotional and I don't know why. Teary one minute, cranky the next. 7 days went by too fast.

I am having a blah day. Don't know if it's the weather or what. Cramps are increasing. Totally doesn't feel like ovulation, infact it feels like AF is coming...that would be just my luck. Stupid body. *sigh*

Feeling very alone and ready to have a pity party for one...I am sick
of waiting.

Truth

I left the SWB last week. A few of the other girls have left too. Unfortunately I think the support we were once giving each other just wasn't there anymore.

I can only comment on my own feelings and experience, but I know I commented a little while ago that there was distance growing between the TTCers and the UTDers. To me this has kept growing...I suppose it was inevitable as the pregnancies progressed and the TTCers were still not having luck..

In no way do I begrudge these ladies their pregnancies. It was obviously their time, not mine. But what I found hard to take was the support for the TTCers diminishing, yet we continued to support them as they reached each new milestone in their pregnancies. This hurt.

To me it felt like the only posts were updates on pregnancies and pregnancy concerns. This gets hard to take, especially when I was having no luck cycle after cycle and edging closer to hitting the 12 month mark of TTC.

I felt isolated from the group. And felt that whenever I posted it was ignored or only commented on by my fellow TTCers. I will stress that this was not always the way in this group..this only started happening in maybe the last month or so.

I am sorry it has come to this but I figured leaving the group quietly was easier, and to be honest I did not think anyone would notice that I had dissapeared.

I am sure that some will think that I have turned into a bitter, twisted TTC woman who can't stand pregnant woman, but this is not the case. I just don't see the need to be part of a group when I feel like an outsider. I used to feel a part of this group and comfortable participating. I felt close to all the ladies and was so happy to be sharing our journies together. Yes, I knew that some would progress quicker than others but I never suspected that I would feel so far left behind.

CD15..back in civilisation

Here I am, back in the land of technology! I survived 2 nights out in the wilderness without phone reception, toilets or showers...


The BDing marathon didn't quite go to plan (as I thought). We missed Friday night (first night out camping) due to DH being too drunk.... He made up for it Saturday morning though...which I suppose is better than nothing!


Camping was an adventure, to say the least. We went with another couple (a guy DH works with and his girlfriend-lets call them J & A) and had picked out a nice spot about 50 minutes away from home. Left Friday arvo and arrived there just before 5. Turns out you are not allowed to have campfires there...so after a short debate we decided that wasn't going to work...(we didn't want to freeze!). The guy told us about a spot about 20 minutes back up the road that allows campfires, so we decided to hightail it back there before it got dark.


We had been given directions and followed them to the dirt road which had a sign advertising the campsite. Followed this for ages and wound up in what looked like someones front yard...a derilict house, lots of cars, some dirty faced kids running around...and then we saw the sign for camping.....


A guy came out and took our money and let us know that we could camp anywhere beyond the gate. We were a little reluctant, but figured we needed to set up camp somewhere as it was getting dark quite fast. The grotty faced kids opened the gate (one of them had a mullet....) and away we went. As we drove along the dirt track we were looking around and my first comment to DH was 'some of these tents look permanent'....he agreed. We decided to drive right to the end of the road and things just started looking weirder....more and more what looked like a cross between tents and dodgily made extensions with fences around them, a circle of about 12 tents that were all matching...brand new mercedes parked outside 'permanent' tents....it just didn't add up! We found a spot right at the back, away from the other people and we all hopped out of the cars to take a look. Next thing we know one of our 'neighbours' comes strolling over and tells us that this isn't the public campgrounds and we needed to go back up the other way.....OK.......


Drove back up the other way and took a closer look at everything...it all clicked....this was some kind of hippy commune (or a cult?!?). We were all a little freaked out and found a spot way up the other end near what looked like 'regular' people. Figured it would do for one night and we could pack up early and go somewhere else the next day.


The boys were making lots of jokes about the hippies coming to get us etc etc...it seemed to be the running theme for the night. Once we were set up it was ok. We had a fire, we had alcohol, we had food...all set!


We were all in agreeance to move on the next day though..DH's mate realised that we could have gone to his parents empty block of land (out whoop whoop) and camped there. So we had a plan for the next day...


The one good thing about this place was it had toilets for us females...though we were a little wary of making the walk to the toilet block once it got dark.


Up fairly early the next morning..boys were feeling a little rough but a greasy breakfast helped.  Packed up and hightailed it out of the hippy place...we thought the owner was going to stop us as we drove through the gate..but he just looked at us! Very weird...
We headed out to the block. Was around another 30 minutes from where we were. The boys dropped us off and decided they needed to head home for supplies (mainly a shovel to clear a fire area and a chainsaw to cut some firewood). Our job was to figure out where to set up the tents....but we decided we needed to sit in the sun and warm up first...Felt like the guys were gone for hours but they eventually made it back with shovel, chainsaw, more beer and one of J's guns!


We flattened out the spot we had picked for the tents and set up camp. All this and it was only 12:30!! The afternoon was spent eating, drinking, playing cards...the boys went into the bush to play with the gun and J came back with a pigeon...DH was very jealous...(how strange boys are..).


Once the sun started setting, it got REALLY cold!  Lots of layers of clothing required..but even huddling around the fire didn't quite warm us up! The boys set up some cans for target practice and it ended up in a 'lets teach Kate' how to shoot lesson...which was suprisingly quite fun!!  I even hit the can a few times!!!! Go me!!

Didn't have quite as big of a night...I think we were all too cold. I had a terrible nights sleep..couldn't get warm and I had to keep getting up to pee....not fun doing this when it's dark and freezing!!!! This is definately the biggest downside of camping!

It was great to get home and have a shower and use a real toilet!!

I think we decided that we won't go camping in winter again!! Hahahaha...even DH was cold and he never gets cold!

Kept up our BDing marathon and went for it again yesterday once we had gotten home (and showered) of course! Hoping to get one more session in before DH flies off this afternoon. Can't believe 7 days has gone by so quickly. Oh well..hopefully he will be home again just as quickly...

I am not feeling confident about this cycle...It would be wonderful if this was it for us, but I don't think that we have caught the egg..infact I don't even know if I have ovulated yet. I have had some cramps since last night...but I haven't been checking my CM. Also my boobs have been a little sore too...

Now all we can do is hope for the best.

CD12..off to bond with nature!

Well we are off on a wild adventure soon! Hahahahaha...have bought up on supplies and packed lots of winter woolies. Hopefully with a nice big fire going we won't freeze!

Day 3 of BD marathon is done and dusted...today is day 4. Was hoping to get some in before we left for camping, but I think I will just have to persist with it the next 2 nights in the tent...LOL DH and I were talking about it this morning and he's like 'imagine telling our child that they were conceived in a tent...' I cracked up. 

On an exciting note, DH broke my computer more (now the CD/DVD drive won't work) so I ordered a new laptop last night!!! YAY!! Plus he bought a router so we have wireless now, which means once my new computer comes I can sit in bed and surf the net! Hehehehe..can't wait. I am getting a Dell and have ordered it in red! 

Being the technology addict that I am....I am hoping that I will get phone reception out there so that I can keep up to date with my TTC buddies. I am hoping that Shel will be announcing some good news in the next few days and I don't want to miss it! Hahaha..I have also convinved DH to let me take his laptop and mobile internet with me...back up plan! Let's hope we don't end up too far out in the sticks!  

CD11...the BD marathon continues!

So, I have finally made it onto my computer!!! Decided to make the most of DH playing on his laptop...hahaha.

Another work week over..let the weekend begin!

We are off camping tomorrow afternoon for 2 nights with some friends. It should be fun but freezing! Also, its going to be interesting to see if we can continue with our BD marathon in a tent....LOL with another couple in a tent nearby...we will either have to be very quiet...or just be drunk so that we don't care if they hear us!! Or perhaps a stroll in the moonlight?!?!


Either way, I am determined that we will see this marathon through!!!!!! 


So camping will take up the majority of the weekend..and the rest will be recovering from camping! The worst part is coming home and unpacking everything. DH has so much camping gear...which is good I suppose as we are prepared! Bought an ipod dock/speakers so we can have some music while we are out there..it runs off batteries. It actually sounds pretty decent surprisingly!


Not much else happening...I am thinking O isn't far away as my face has started to break out (damn you hormones) and have been feeling a few pains in the ovary area...so hoping it will happen in the next day or 2! Go body go!!!!!!


Sending some positive vibes Shel's way...hoping she comes back from her weekend away with  BFP!!!!!! All the signs are looking good..and her chart is amazing!


Lots of hugs go out to GS and Nani too. 2 very amazing women, who I feel privileged to have in my life.

CD10...negative musings

Here I am again on my phone. I apologise for lack of colour and smilies but I don't seem to get on the computer much when DH is home! He starts to crack the shits that I am spending more time on the computer than with him! Haha such a big baby sometimes. So all I can say is thank goodness for my iPhone!!

At work as usual and bored..what else is new!? Though I have lots to do as they have dumped the organisation of mid year orientation into my lap...which is on in about 3 weeks...love getting advanced notice! Oh well..I will get there. Just use the stuff from beginning of the year...

I want to send some love and hugs out to 2 of my fellow TTCers. Nani and GS. Both are having a hard time of late and are struggling with the many emotions that TTC instills. It just isn't fair sometimes..I don't know what else to say. I knowi probably sound likea whinging child, but seriously how is any of this fair?!? I know the girls already know this but want to reiterate that I am here for them,I care and I am thinking of them. I hope the universe stops messing around and gives them what they want so badly...SOON!

I am feeling very hopeful for Shel. Temps are looking good and though it's early days still, I have a good feeling. I so hope that this is her month. I know she is worried as to how it will affect the rest of us, but I think we will all be so happy for her that it won't be painful. I am looking forward to sharing in her pregnancy journey and living vicariously through her until I finally fall pregnant!

Not feeling quite so optimistic about our chances this cycle. I have a feeling that no matter how often we BD this time, it's still not going to knock me up! I have always had a feeling that there is something wrong which is preventing me from falling PG and to be honest I still have this feeling. I don't think the HyCoSy was the solution to our problems and feel that I still have a LONG road to travel before I will get a BFP. To be very honest and vey depressing I keep thinking another 8-12 months...not sure why but this keeps popping into my head.

I am happy to be proven wrong, but I have an awful feeling that we are not close to the finish line...

But we will try. We will try a BDing marathon and do it every day while DH is home. We will use the imitation preseed that I bought and hope for the best. I will even be a POAS addict and use up the cheapo HPTs that are waiting in the cupboard. But I will not put my life on hold anymore. I am going to have a drink (or 4) if I want to. I will (try) not to obsess over every twinge and pain over the next 2 weeks.

I do plan...if this cycle is another epic failure on my bodies behalf, that I will be having cocktails...lots of them...enough to numb the hurt and make me feel very happy...enough to have a good time and forget about TTC..if only for the night.

CD9...hubbys home!!

DH is home!!! Or very close to it hopefully!!! I am so excited and have barely been able to contain myself at work today! So annoying that he gets back at the start of my work week..but not much I can do about that.

I am slowly building up excitement about this cycle..see told you I sucked at not getting my hopes up. I am just hoping my body behaves itself and ovulates within the next 7 days while DH is home. I think we will try and BD every day for the whole time he is home. Cover all bases this way. I know we will be tired by the end of it but seeming DH has been away for a week I am sure we can handle it! At the least I don't think DH will complain...

So we are all set really. I am not temping or using OPKs. Just relying on my bodies signs. Hopefully it will be loud and clear! I think I should know the signs by now...been reading them long enough.

Well I think I will give myself a little bit of an early mark and head home to hubby!

CD8

Had a lovely day today.

Slept in, then stayed in bed watching TV (it was too cold to get out!!). Went out for lunch with my sister and her partner to Hogs Breath...yum!! And then got gelati... So full!

Spent the afternoon playing X-Box. I bought this new game with all old school sega games on it...so much fun! Can't believe how lame some of the graphics and music are though..hilarious! Made for a fun afternoon anyways.

So, as far as I am aware...DH is coming home tomorrow!!!!

Very excited...finally luck is on our side?!?! Now I just have to hope that my body behaves itself and ovulates before CD15 when DH leaves... Violence may be necessary..

Not much else going on. Back to work tomorrow.. Going to be so quiet and boring...yuk!

Will have to now start paying close attention to my body to see what's going on...It would be amazing if after all this time, this was our month.

problem

Right..this is going to end up being quite long winded, but to understand the problem I need to give some background. But I don't blame you if you give up and stop reading!! This is more to get it out of my head than anything else anyways.

So..I had this friend. She might have even been my best friend at one stage. We have known each other since primary school and went right through high school together. Fast forward through time...a few years out of school and we are still friends. We even worked together at one stage. Spent a lot of time together, helped her through a major break up (of her first long time boyfriend). She was even welcome to come out and do stuff with me and my DH (DF back then)...there was no awkwardness of her being a third wheel or anything. Life was good. 

Fast forward again to organising my wedding. Of course she would be one of my bridesmaids. She was excited for me. Came dress shopping with me once, but didn't get overly involved in the plans..which was fine.

Skip again to about a month before my wedding. DH and I decide to hire an apartment for a night so we can go out and have somewhere close to stay so we don't have to drive. End up inviting my friend to come along and also my sister and her boyfriend end up stopping by after they finish work that night. We have a few drinks there before we start getting ready to go out. DH and I had a mini fight while getting ready as he made some mean comment about my outfit (which was new) and I took offense. Stopped talking to each other for a while (as we started walking to the club we were headed to) but got over it and made up. Stop for a toilet break along the way and when I come out notice that my friend has continued walking (not waiting for the rest of us). When we call out to her she ignores us. DH and I run to catch up to her and when we ask whats wrong she tells us to piss off and leave her alone. 

Completely confused to this as we have no idea what's going on and why she's acting like this. She won't slow down and keeps walking. Try to talk to her but she just yells at me to leave her alone. Let her go so I can tell my sister whats going on. Her and her boyfriend say they will walk with her and see if they can find out what's going on. DH and I decide to head back to the apartment..the mood for going out is spoilt.

As we walk back I try to call my friend but she won't answer her phone. Call my sister who has caught up with the friend and says she is in tears. My sister is abit shitty by this stage as she wanted to have a fun night and decided she didn't want to be stuck babysitting my friend. She eventually gets out of the friend that she has called her dad and he is going to come and pick her up. (note: it was 1am and her parents lived a good 40 minute drive from where we were). Tell her that we are headed back to the apartment and she says she will stop by and get her stuff as she wants to go home. 

DH and I are still completely clueless as to what has set this all off. She didn't have to call her dad. She could have come back to the apartment, gone to bed and left in the morning...

We are still about a 10 minute walk from the apartment when a car pulls up. It's the friend with her dad. She jumps out of the car, storms over to us and demands the key for the room so she can get her things. Totally speechless, DH handed her the key (looking back in hindsight I wish he hadn't done that until we were offered a lift), she jumps back in the car and they drive off!!!! Now we were not just confused, but pissed off! She could have offered us a lift...

We finally make it back and she is waiting at the downstairs entrance, thrusts the key at us and leaves. 

To top off the night my sister calls later to say they are coming back to get their things and they are going home too. We end up having a massive fight about the whole evening. 

I go to sleep in tears and the next day go to see my mum at work to tell her the whole sorry story as I believe I have lost BOTH my bridesmaids a month before my wedding. I cry to mum and of course she comforts me and says that it will all work out. She is confused as to why my friend had acted the way she did. The only thought she could offer was that it was too much for her being around 2 couples and that the alcohol brought out a depressed side of her...making her realise she didn't have a boyfriend, which hurts more when your closest friend is getting married. 

I leave it for a day and then decide to broach with caution. I figure a text is the safest bet to start. All I say is I'm sorry about the other night, but wondering if we can talk about what happened as I am a little confused. Her reply is something along the lines of I should know what I did. 

I have no anwer for that...I figure leave it another few days and let her get over it and surely she will be in contact...

I DO NOT HEAR A THING FROM HER UNTIL A WEEK BEFORE MY WEDDING!!  

I get a text a few days before my hens night saying she wants to take me out for lunch (on the day of the hens night). I agree. We spend a whole day together (and then the whole night for the hens) and she does not bring up the horrible evening once. 

She doesn't apologise. She acts as if nothing has happened and she hadn't dissapeared out of my life for almost a month! I was too scared to bring it up, as I didn't want to rock the boat so close to the wedding. But was still quite hurt. She acted funny that night at the hens and ended up going off with a friend that she ended up running into while we were out...I didn't see her for the rest of the night. 

Then didn't hear from her until the day before the wedding. We ended up having the bridal party round at mum and dads for dinner. She turned up late and announced to everyone that a friend of ours had sent her a suicide text the night before (this was literally as soon as she walked in the door). The rest of the night went ok, but she then says she won't be meeting us at the hairdressers the next morning and will just come later on to mums place (where we were getting ready) for the makeup. 

I let it go as I didn't want anything to spoil my wedding day. She was fine on the day as far as I knew (but my sister later told me that she kept making comments during the photo session after the wedding and sighing and complaining about the amount of photos we had done of us as a couple). She also pretty much ditched me at the reception (to try and chat up the grooms men) and I barely saw her for the evening. So much for having bridesmaids to get me some food and drink or even help me to the loo with my dress...Though I suppose the worst part was she wasn't nearby when I had the altercation with SIL (which caused me to burst into tears and run away and hide.

Anyways, the next worst part was after the wedding she was then trying to play the 2 groomsmen off against each other. Was not impressed with that as they are both lovely guys, good friends of DH and mine and I didn't like the games she was playing. Grooms men of course wised up to her games and she didn't get either of them! 

After the wedding we drifted further apart and didn't see each other as much. It was sad, but inevitable I suppose after what had happened. She then started seeing a guy (who I met once and knew he was BAD news). This made it even harder to see each other...as I didn't want to say too much about the guy..but he is all she wanted to talk about. I was worried it would end badly as he had just broken up with his g/f of 6 years who he had bought a house with and was in the process of selling..they had only been broken up a few weeks when my friend started seeing him!! Yikes!! 

Fast forward about 5 months..we had only seen each other a handful of times when I get a text from her informing me that she and him had bought a house together and she couldn't wait for me to see it! OMG!!! First thought to mind is fools rush in! Kept putting off going and seeing the house as I didn't think I could keep my mouth shut. Fast forward another 3 months or so and I get a text inviting me and DH to their house for 'drinks and nibbles' the following weekend. DH and I don't want to go...

DH's grandfather dies a few days later and he jumps on a plane to NZ for the funeral. I can't go as I am due to start a new job the next day. I get a phonecall from her the Wednesday before her drinks. Asks if we are coming and I explain whats happened and that we won't make it. She then goes nuts. Proceeds to tell me that they are engaged and this is their engagement party (nice to tell people that when you invite them to something). Starts saying that she was so supportive when I got married and that she was very hurt that I wasn't making an effort. 

I was not impressed. I was tired. It was 8pm at night and I was driving home from work (home mind you was over an hour away and I was meant to finish at 5pm). I was upset about DH's grandfather and the fact that I couldn't be there with him. I was pissed that she was saying she was supportive of me and my wedding after what had happened. I was also not impressed for her playing a guilt trip on me..

She ended up hanging up on me while she was yelling and carrying on. I called her back to try and sort stuff out once and for all..but she would not let me speak..just kept yelling. So I gave up. 

She then rang DH and ranted to him about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not cool. She was trying to get him to 'side' with her. He didn't fall for it obviously.

And that was pretty much it. I didn't want a bar of someone who did stuff like this. Didn't hear from her. I didn't try to contact her either. 

That was 2008. 

Back to now and she has contacted DH on facebook. She has broken up with the fiance and they have had to sell the house. She is now living back with her parents and feeling very sorry for herself. Told DH she misses me. 

DH keeps telling me I should contact her and speak with her. 

I am not so sure...feel very wary. I don't want to dredge up the past. It's over and done with. 

I feel sorry for her, coz its a shit thing to have happen...but I knew it would end badly...

I kind of want to talk to her. She was a good friend (before all the crazy stuff) and we have known each other a long time.

But I don't want someone in my life who can just turn like that...I still to this day dont know what went wrong that night we went out. 

I don't need stuff like that in my life. 

I have taken one step and added her on facebook. Waiting to see if she makes contact. I figure if I haven't heard anything in a few days then I might send her a private message saying I heard what had happened and I'm sorry to hear. 

Not quite ready to extend the olive branch of a catch up, but interested to see whether I get a response or whether she was bull shitting DH to get attention from him?!?!

So I'm confused...Do I want my old friend back, or is it all better left in the past?

Sorry this is so long and confusing...I am amazed if anyone reads this through and isn't completely lost!

CD7..the universe is a b!#@$

The universe can be so cruel sometimes..extra cruel when you are TTC.

My thoughts are with Nani whose chart was looking so good and we were all excited that this was going to be it..only for AF to show up.

It would be a whole lot easier if our bodies DIDN'T GIVE US SIGNS/SYMPTOMS THAT GOT OUR HOPES UP!!! Seriously, it's cruel.

So Nani, if you are reading...

My day has been quiet. Another terrible nights sleep so have not been feeling like doing much of anything. I made a cinnamon teacake and put some spaghetti bolognase in the slow cooker (which smells amazing by the way!). A friend popped in for a catch up for a few hours which was lovely. And I just had a bit of an afternoon nap..but have woken up feeling worse..hate it when that happens.

I am tempted to have my dinner soon and just go back to bed. It's cold, I'm tired and I have nothing else to do. 2 more sleeps and hopefully DH will be home. Looking forward to big hugs from him.

CD6..girl stuff

Had my mani/pedi done today. Being pampered was such a nice way to spend part of my day! 

I didn't realise that a nice hand massage plus a lovely leg and foot massage was part of the deal! Not to mention the awesome shiatsu massage chair you get to sit in while they do the pedicure...bliss!! So now I have lovely silver finger and toe nails!

Something I would definately suggest trying out if you haven't already done so...and something that I may just go back for another go!

Did some shopping with my sister after we had finished our pampering, grabbed some lunch and then came back home to watch movies. Have had a really great day.

I am absolutely shattered though...I woke up at 4:30am this morning (after only going to bed at 12am) and COULD NOT go back to sleep!!! So I am just about ready for bed and it's not even 7pm yet! Pretty sad for a Saturday night...

So DH still assumes he is coming home Tuesday! Don't think he has got his flight details yet..but they were slack doing that last stint too. I am keeping everything crossed that he will be home...I honestly don't know how I will cope with another wasted cycle if they make him stay longer. It would push me right over the edge.

CD5...the weekend begins!

So thought AF was gone as yesterday was just spotting but she made a reappearance this morning! GRRRR!!! Not impressed. Hoping it stops soon.

I had wondered about some cramps this morning and had begun to freak myself out that I was ovulating really early!! So in a way I am relieved it was AF...would have been extremely pissed off at my body if it decided to ovulate before DH got home...

I tell you what though...the female body is ridiculous!! When you need it to work-it doesn't and when you don't care-it does! 2 TTC friends are having a shit time with their temperamental bodies right now and my heart goes out to them.

They are doing everything they can to help their bodies with this process but are rewarded with frustration only. We might need to have a group telling off and threatening session...perhaps it might help if we humiliate them in front of others?!?

Spent the morning down at the shops. Put my car in for a service this morning and silly me decided I would be fine to kill 3 hours down at the shops rather then been taken home! LONGEST 3 HOURS EVER!! DOH!!

I did manage to find some bargins. Got a few new tops for $10 each and some leggings. I also got some light fittings for the house (as for some weird reason all the lights except for the lounge and kitchen are bare bulbs...). Got some really nice ones at Target and they were on sale for $9 each! BARGIN!! Now I just need DH to install them!!! Add it to the list...

Not impressed with the car service though. Cost me $400!!! So cranky as when DH used to work there we just had to pay for parts (and we got those cheap too). It's amazing how much they can charge for labour considering none of the mechanics would earn more than about $20 an hour. RIP OFF!!!!

Fairly quiet weekend planned. Going with my sister tomorrow for a mani/pedi. Something very girly which I have never had done before...but I figure it will be fun?! Hopefully catching up with a friend sometime over the course of the weekend too.